


Words on a Screen

by ahopper84, themayqueen



Series: Truth is a Whisper [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Breathplay, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Cheating, Cybersex, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gay Sex, Identity Issues, Incest, Infidelity, Internet, Light BDSM, M/M, Marijuana, Online Relationship, Online Romance, Rimming, Sexual Content, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual Identity, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-02 09:54:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 91,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4055656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahopper84/pseuds/ahopper84, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has secrets, even Zac and Taylor Hanson. But when they each meet someone online, where no one is who they seem, the truth changes everything they thought they knew.</p><p>Note: This fic was originally posted elsewhere as Part One of the story Truth is a Whisper. It has been reformatted and edited a bit and posted as a series here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Zac**

I didn’t remember the last time I actually slept through the night easily. If it wasn’t one of my kids keeping me up, it was just my own mind not allowing me to rest. Something, I didn’t quite know what, was nagging at my mind lately. Kate seemed to sense it, but she didn’t say anything. As long as I wasn’t picking fights with her, then she just assumed it wasn’t any of her business, I supposed. 

Sometimes it was easier when the two of us just didn’t talk at all, anyway. That was part of why I had put in my art studio in the garage. Kate didn’t object to it, since it meant I wouldn’t be cluttering up the main house with my art projects and splattering paint all over her precious carpet. The studio became my little escape when the two of us were fighting, or like right now, barely speaking. 

On this particular night, though, none of my paintings were turning out like I wanted. Everything I tried looked like crap and I had to stop before I got too frustrated and put my fist through one of the canvases. I dug one of my pipes out of its hiding place in a box full of paint, and lit it up. After a few hits, I felt a little more relaxed. I decided to pull out my laptop and go online for a while, hoping a little mindless internet surfing would ease my mind even further. Maybe I was feeling nostalgic for my teen years or something, but somehow I found myself in a chat room.

Apparently, no one uses chat rooms anymore – just me and one other person, I guess. 

|    
**Taylor**

I sighed as I settled into my chair and opened my browser. It’d been a long, hard day of rehearsing, and all I wanted to do was zone out online for a while, and eventually go to sleep. Nothing all that interesting popped up, besides the usual emails and PMs, so before long I was running out of things to do. I looked at the clock, surprised at how early it was. _Man, I have no life,_ I thought to myself, laughing. It was true. All my time was spent either with my family or my band; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d talked to someone whose last name wasn’t Hanson. 

It wasn’t like I didn’t have friends; there were Will and Demetrius, Muff, Ashley… I realized that all the “friends” I could name were also involved with the band. _Damn it, I really **do** have no life._ As I stared at the computer screen, I felt a new determination. I was young, charming, witty; people loved me. So why couldn’t I make a new friend? I opened a new tab, and began searching for a chatroom that interested me. I found a music-related room, and clicked to join it; I stopped when asked for a username.

I wanted to come up with something original, but cool, but not anything that would clue people in to my real identity. It wasn’t that I wanted to be someone else, but I figured it would be easier to chat with someone if they didn’t know my celebrity status. Finally settling on x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x, I got into the room. Only to find it empty, except for one other person. Shrugging my shoulders, I clicked the text box; I didn’t know what to expect, but I was bored enough to talk to just about anyone.   
  
---|---  
  
 

x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey  
peregrin2201: hi  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how’s it goin  
peregrin2201: pretty good, feeling kinda silly though. you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tired… long day at work  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why silly?  
peregrin2201: just being in a chat room. didn’t even know they still had these.  
peregrin2201: i know the feeling. about work, i mean.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea, I haven’t been in one of these rooms in ages.  
peregrin2201: yeah i feel like i’m back in the 90′s or something haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh man, don’t say that… you’ll make me feel old lol  
peregrin2201: well i feel old saying that lol  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how old are you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you don’t mind me asking  
peregrin2201: nah, it’s cool. i’m 26.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s not old  
peregrin2201: i feel about twice that old most of the time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i can relate to that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: they say you’re as old as you feel…  
peregrin2201: then i’ve got one foot in the grave lol  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha you and me both…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, what kind of music do you like?  
peregrin2201: classic rock, mostly. back when music was good.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: there’s good music out there now, you just gotta know where to look  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but that’s cool, i like the old stuff too  
peregrin2201: yeah that’s true, but there’s a lot of shit out there too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: amen to that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so what’re you listening to now?  
peregrin2201: led zeppelin II  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh, good choice  
peregrin2201: underated, if you ask me. everyone’s all about stairway to heaven.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, well people tend to go to the mainstream  
peregrin2201: i sound like such a snob about music, but if there’s something worth being a snob about, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha yea  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you like fleetwood mac?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (thats what i’m listening to)  
peregrin2201: yeah, they’re pretty good. which album?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um, pandora radio  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: landslide, live in boston  
peregrin2201: ahh that’s a good one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, stevie’s voice just gets me, ya know?  
peregrin2201: definitely one of the best female voices out there  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for sure  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you like her better with fm, or solo?  
peregrin2201: with fleetwood mac, i think. the whole band just had such a great dynamic, you know? even when they were fighting.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, some of their best work came out of their fighting  
peregrin2201: the whole rumours album, for example  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was just typing that lol  
peregrin2201: haha, you know your music pretty well then. that’s rare these days. how old are you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: 28…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (god that sounds old)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and thank you  
peregrin2201: ah that’s not so bad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: music… it’s kinda my life  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can’t picture going a day without music  
peregrin2201: same here  
peregrin2201: as you might as noticed haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea, that’s cool  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im surprised, theres not too many people our age who listen to the good stuff  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what other bands do you like?  
peregrin2201: well… classic rock wise, i love ac/dc, grateful dead, paul simon, billy joel. lots of older stuff, too. motown.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: impressive  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: most of the same for me  
peregrin2201: cool  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a lot of singer-songwriters too, like cat stevens, james taylor  
peregrin2201: oh yeah, definitely. carole king, too.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: love her  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shes really cool  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think tapestry is an amazing album  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (going mainstream, shame on me)  
peregrin2201: haha, well i was about to say i love u2, so i won’t judge you for going mainstream  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea joshua tree is such an iconic album  
peregrin2201: oh, absolutely  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my family actually went to the joshua tree national part a couple years ago  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s… something else  
peregrin2201: yeah, it is. i’ve been there too.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice  
peregrin2201: i’m starting to think you’re secretly me from two years in the future haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha maybe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, where you from?  
peregrin2201: oklahoma  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …what part?  
peregrin2201 tulsa  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thats cool  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh… “well they tell me i was born there, but i really don’t remember”  
peregrin2201: three dog night. nice.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, love that song  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: btw, what’s your name  
peregrin2201: eh.. just call me pippin. gotta keep a little anonymity online.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea, gotta watch out for all those creepy old guys, eh?  
peregrin2201: yup, you just never know lol  
peregrin2201: for all you know, i could be a creepy old guy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well so could i  
peregrin2201: true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe we both are  
peregrin2201: so what’s your name?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: jordan  
peregrin2201: ah, that’s a cool name. sounds more like a real name than mine, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha yea well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: pippin’s… cute  
peregrin2201: it kinda suits me. like the lord of the rings character, you know?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yea  
peregrin2201: foolish, tends to stick his foot in his mouth, but he means well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i never really got into those… but i have friends who are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha, i know a few people like that  
peregrin2201: what can i say, i’m a bit of a geek  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s cool  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think everyone’s a geek about something  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just depends what it is  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like, im kind of a music geek i guess  
peregrin2201: anything i’m into at all, i geek out over. like music, and obviously lord of the rings too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, for me its music, photography, writing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like to read a lot, too  
peregrin2201: i don’t read nearly as much as i’d like too. mostly geeky stuff, too. lots of comics.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, i’m more into poetry, novels, stuff like that  
peregrin2201: all the stuff i’m not smart enough for haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sure you’re plenty smart  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: lord of the rings isn’t exactly an easy read  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i could never get through it all  
peregrin2201: it takes some real devotion, and lots of free time. or several years.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, devotion i have, but not so much with the free time  
peregrin2201: yeah it took me months to read it when i was younger. any time i couldn’t sleep at night, i’d just stay up reading.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i had more free time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m always busy, between work and family  
peregrin2201: me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i have no life, haha  
peregrin2201: same here. i’m currently hiding in the garage with my laptop just to get a little me time haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha the garage? that can’t be too comfy…  
peregrin2201: i spend a lot of time in it, so i’ve got a pretty nice set up  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its good to have a little hiding spot… i wish i had that  
peregrin2201: it would be better if i didn’t have to hide, haha. i feel like a spy, sneaking around my own house just to get a little privacy.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww, that’s too bad that you feel you have to hide  
peregrin2201: ahh, the family can just be a little smothering sometimes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: understandable  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my family is always on my case  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its weird… even with so many people around, sometimes i just feel so…  
peregrin2201: alone?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: feels pretty silly to say that  
peregrin2201: nah, i get it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just… i never have any “me” time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i always have to focus on everyone else  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not that i mind, really, i’m not selfish  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i just wish i had someone to talk to, not even about anything important  
peregrin2201: god, i feel the same way. i guess that’s why i’m in a chat room right now lol  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh… im just glad there was someone here   
peregrin2201: i was in here all by myself forever. i was about to give up haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww well thanks for waiting  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’d feel pretty silly if i logged on to an empty room  
peregrin2201: i felt pretty silly sitting in one lol. sorry you got stuck with just me though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aw but i’m having fun talking to you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: longing for the golden age of music together  
peregrin2201: it’s always good to meet another music lover  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: indeed  
peregrin2201: that’s how i know you must be a good person  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thanks  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blushing a bit*  
peregrin2201: or possibly a creepy old guy. it’s tough to say, with classic rock fans. haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well you seem really cool, too  
peregrin2201: thanks. i’m glad someone thinks so.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im sure more people do than you think  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we’re our own worst critics  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you’re humble… thats usually a good sign  
peregrin2201: well i might be my worst critic, but i know plenty of other people who are vying for that title  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh, second hand news… i love this song  
peregrin2201: ooh that’s one of my favorites  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mine too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: “won’t you lay me down in the tall grass, and let me do my stuff?”  
peregrin2201: haha, get out of my brain! i was about to quote that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and people say music wasn’t sexy back then  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don’t have to be cussing to be sexy  
peregrin2201: it just wasn’t so in your face and blatant about it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, theres definitely something to be said for subtlety  
peregrin2201: call me a prude, but i’m pretty sure you don’t have to prance around in your underwear to be a good singer  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: exactly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although a tight pair of jeans doesn’t hurt  
peregrin2201: sure, if you need to hit those high notes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: gives the crowd a real show, too  
peregrin2201: oh, that too. i guess. not always a good show haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: depends who’s showing  
peregrin2201: true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: lets face it, certain bands have mostly female fanbases for a reason  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doesn’t mean they’re not talented  
peregrin2201: true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the beatles had mostly female fans  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so did the rolling stones  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it wasn’t until later that the guys jumped on the bandwagon  
peregrin2201: but it’s a proven fact that adding an instrument makes like any guy look way more attractive to most women  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: true, true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: by the way, do you play anything?   
peregrin2201: a few instruments. dunno if i’m really good at any of them.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh, versatile. nice  
peregrin2201: hah, i guess you could say that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s good to be multi-talented  
peregrin2201: i’m musically ADD, i guess lol  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so what else do you do for fun?  
peregrin2201: a little bit of everything. art, video games.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: art? thats cool  
peregrin2201: it’s a nice creative outlet, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea it is  
peregrin2201: just a little drawing and painting every now and then, you know. i like it.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i bet you’re good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sounds like you’re pretty good with your hands  
peregrin2201: haha, i guess you could say that…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: any other hidden talents i should know about?  
peregrin2201: ah, i dunno… jack of all trades, master of none. that’s me.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well you sound pretty interesting  
peregrin2201: thanks  so do you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh, i don’t know about that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m nothing special  
peregrin2201: oh, i don’t believe that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blushing again*  
peregrin2201: aww  
peregrin2201: but seriously, you seem very cool. intelligent, thoughtful and awesome taste in music. what more can i guy ask for in a random chat room buddy? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww stop hehe  
peregrin2201: hey, i mean it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, thank you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know we don’t know much about each other yet  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i like you already   
peregrin2201: i like you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: it’s weird, chatting with someone online. it’s easier to be honest in a way, because you don’t have to worry about trying to impress them.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, even if you’re not trying, you’ve impressed me so far  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i agree, i feel like i can really be myself with you  
peregrin2201: didn’t say i wasn’t trying, but it’s just… relaxing. freeing.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much of my life, i feel like i have to wear these masks…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just to suit the people i’m with  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i feel like i don’t ever get to be just jordan  
peregrin2201: damn, i know that feeing  
peregrin2201: you put it better than i could have though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh well… people say i have a flair for the poetic  
peregrin2201: that’s a good thing. not enough poetry in the world today.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, yes  
peregrin2201: not to sound like a prude, but people are just so… vulgar. most people can’t really communicate for shit.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes, exactly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i don’t think you’re a prude  
peregrin2201: i’m just an old man in a 26 year old body, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i feel that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i agree… especially when it comes to music today  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s all bitches and hoes, drugs and sex  
peregrin2201: haha, exactly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: theres no poetry to it, no beauty  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: music should move you, not beat you over the head  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sorry to keep bringing it back to music… like i said, thats my life haha  
peregrin2201: haha, it’s cool  
peregrin2201: it’s pretty much my life too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, if you had to pick a song to describe your mood right now?  
peregrin2201: oh man… let me venture outside my led zeppelin playlist for a moment, as much as i hate to  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: ahh… it’s gonna sound depressing, but probably “why does it always rain on me” by travis  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: awww  
peregrin2201: how lame am i? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha not at all  
peregrin2201: what about you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, let me think…  
peregrin2201: kinda puts you on the spot, doesn’t it? hehe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea, i should have expected it though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: turn about’s fair play, no?  
peregrin2201: exactly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow… this is harder than i thought  
peregrin2201: just the first one that comes to mind  
peregrin2201: doesn’t have to be super deep  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ve just seen a face, the beatles  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ironic… considering we’re in a chatroom  
peregrin2201: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and the lyrics aren’t quite right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but… you get the idea  
peregrin2201: i think it’s my turn to blush now…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh, i bet you’re cute when you blush  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: at the risk of sounding like one of those creepy old guys, what do you look like?  
peregrin2201: ahh, i dunno if i would ever call myself cute  
peregrin2201: umm… well, i’m pretty average, i guess. not too tall, not too short. in decent shape, i guess. brown hair, brown eyes.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice, i like brunettes   
peregrin2201: i guess i do too. i’m not too picky about looks, really.  
peregrin2201: never thought i had any room to be picky, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nothing wrong with having standards  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: personality is great, but there has to be some physical attraction, when it comes to that sort of thing  
peregrin2201: yeah, i guess so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that sounded a little shallow, didn’t it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-/  
peregrin2201: nah, you’re kinda right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just don’t see the problem with being honest  
peregrin2201: me either, even if i do end up with my foot in my mouth sometimes, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea, i have to watch my words sometimes too  
peregrin2201: so, at the risk of also sounding creepy? what do you look like?  
peregrin2201: (and i promise my next question isn’t what color underwear you’re wearing haha)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh i don’t think i could ever think of someone as cool as you as creepy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a little on the tall side, skinny, dirty blonde/light brown short hair  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: blue eyes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha, if you ask, i might tell you   
peregrin2201: short hair? interesting…  
peregrin2201: kinda funny, i have long hair for a guy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think long hair on guys is great  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: more guys should grow their hair out  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i used to have long hair, but it got to be too much of a hassle  
peregrin2201: yeah, it’s not that bad for a guy though. whether my hair is short or long, i’m still lucky if i remember to brush it haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well sometimes the grungy hair look is kinda…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sexy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: does that sound weird?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: it’s not the first time i’ve heard that…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know, it’s just…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: dirty can be kinda fun, ya know?  
peregrin2201: haha, i guess so  
peregrin2201: the dirty rocker thing seems to turn a lot of girls on, i’ve noticed  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, i can’t deny, a guy in a tight band tee, with ripped jeans, and long grungy hair, even gets me a little hot under the collar  
peregrin2201: …you pretty much just described me right now  
peregrin2201: right down to the holes in my jeans haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm… is that so?  
peregrin2201: yup… glad to know it’s working for ya, i guess haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh… you could say that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: out of curiosity, facial hair?  
peregrin2201: at the moment, just a little stubble  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice  
peregrin2201: i’ll wear a goatee sometimes, though. just depends on my mood.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i bet that looks good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: let’s see, likes classic rock, appreciates poetry, has long grungy hair and stubble and ripped jeans…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: guess this is my lucky night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: definitely glad i stopped in   
peregrin2201: haha, well you sound pretty good to me, too. again, likes classic rock and poetry, and doesn’t mind grungy dudes?  
peregrin2201: yeah, you’re pretty much my dream girl  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …oh really?  
peregrin2201: maybe that’s a little too bold of me to say to someone i’ve just talked to online…  
peregrin2201: but you do sound pretty awesome  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i’m flattered  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blushing a lot now*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and as much as i would LOVE to just accept your generous (and in my opinion, undeserved) complements…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i REALLY hope you won’t stop talking to me after this…  
peregrin2201: …..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, it’s just…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: arg, i don’t even want to tell you, but i’d feel too horrible…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: promise you won’t run away? please?  
peregrin2201: well… okay. i mean, we’ve all got skeletons in our closet.  
peregrin2201: i’m sure it’s not that bad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep breath*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because i’m really having fun talking to you  
peregrin2201: i’m having fun talking to you too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i think… i think we could definitely be friends, at least  
peregrin2201: yeah, me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um, at least online friends  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay… well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know how you said i’m your dream girl?  
peregrin2201: yeah…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you got the second part wrong…  
peregrin2201: wait, what?  
peregrin2201: oh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea… im sorry  
peregrin2201: umm… so, about that putting my foot in my mouth, thing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im really sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i forget sometimes, that jordan’s a girl’s name too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but please…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god i sound so pathetic  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but please don’t stop talking to me cuz of it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i must sound so pathetic and needy…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i haven’t had anyone to talk to in so long  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and… i really do like talking to you  
peregrin2201: i really like talking to you too… i just feel like a massive douchebag for just assuming  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me… it wouldn’t be the first time i’ve been mistaken for a girl  
peregrin2201: promise you don’t hate me for being a douche?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: never  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you aren’t  
peregrin2201: yeah well, guy with long hair… i’ve been there too haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im just sorry for making you uncomfortable  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yea… when i had my long hair, it was pretty bad  
peregrin2201: i can live with being uncomfortable… just don’t like feeling so dumb :/  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re not dumb  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please, don’t diss yourself like that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i meant everything i said… you really have impressed me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i really am grateful to have met (well sort of met) you  
peregrin2201: you’ve impressed me too…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like i said, i’m not that special  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but thanks anyway  
peregrin2201: it’s rare enough for someone to flirt with me… i mean, if that’s even what you were doing  
peregrin2201: i hope i’m not assuming agin  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wasn’t sure if you’d picked up on that, heh  
peregrin2201: it just never occurred to me that a guy would flirt with me  
peregrin2201: i was just catching on haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, you seem pretty flirt-worthy to me  
peregrin2201: i’m a little bit slow  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope… you don’t think less of me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for flirting with a guy  
peregrin2201: no, of course not  
peregrin2201: i’m not like… homophobic or whatever…  
peregrin2201: i just wasn’t thinking, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think it’s kind of cute when guys don’t know they’re being flirted with, actually  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: makes it more fun, ya know?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: well then i’m your man. i usually have no clue unless the girl throws herself at me  
peregrin2201: and i can honestly say if a guy has ever flirted with me before, i didn’t know it at all  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha well the way you described yourself, i’d imagine that’s pretty often  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the first part, that is  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although the second part wouldn’t surprise me, either  
peregrin2201: oh… not really. at least, i don’t think so.  
peregrin2201: even the girls that do… they don’t really want to get to know me  
peregrin2201: it’s just not very flattering, to me. when someone just wants me because they think i’m hot or something  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: understandable  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for what it’s worth, i think you’re more than just hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (although you do sound hot, too)  
peregrin2201: well, i could be totally lying about my looks  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t think you are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you seem like the honest type  
peregrin2201: i’m not… just saying. that’s the mystery of it all.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then again, that’s the thing about online…  
peregrin2201: yup  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you said you’re wearing your ripped jeans, right?  
peregrin2201: yeah..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: out of curiosity, where are the rips? the knees?  
peregrin2201: yup  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice  
peregrin2201: well, there’s one on the thigh too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: would it make you uncomfortable if i told you i think that’s pretty hot?  
peregrin2201: umm… to be honest, just a little…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im sorry  
peregrin2201: it’s flattering, i’m just not sure how to reply…  
peregrin2201: don’t feel bad though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh you’re blushing again, aren’t you?  
peregrin2201: possibly…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i have to admit, i’m a bit torn  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t want to scare you off, but the thought of you sitting there, all flustered…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s a pretty nice mental image  
peregrin2201: can i be totally honest?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course  
peregrin2201: in a strange way, i don’t think i mind a guy flirting with me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?  
peregrin2201: it’s kinda more flattering and… genuine that most girls have been with me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i’ve found guys are less fake  
peregrin2201: i guess that’s true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we can’t afford to be, considering our… limited options  
peregrin2201: i never really thought about it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but what can i say… i’m greedy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (meaning i’m bi)  
peregrin2201: oh  
peregrin2201: that’s cool, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ve been living straight by default for a while, i guess… but if i’m really honest  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and again, i really hope i don’t lose you for this, but i feel like i can be honest with you  
peregrin2201: you can be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, there’s just something about being with a guy…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s…i don’t know, different  
peregrin2201: i guess it would be…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha obviously  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but besides the obvious  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know how to describe it  
peregrin2201: well i wouldn’t know at all…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry… i’m probably sounding more and more like one of those creepy old guys  
peregrin2201: nah, you’re just talking about stuff i’ve really got no clue about  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, there’s a certain allure in innocence  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that sounded creepy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im sorry haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: just a little bit pedo-ish there haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i swear that’s not what i meant  
peregrin2201: i think i get what you’re saying  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?  
peregrin2201: maybe. i dunno, innocent is probably a good word to describe me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: cute would be another  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: i mean, i’ve not even been with that many girls…  
peregrin2201: yup, definitely blushing now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im surprised, you sound like a real catch  
peregrin2201: i dunno about that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re too modest  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s adorable, but i wish you could see yourself the way i see you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sure i’m not the only one, either  
peregrin2201: well… i’m glad you see me that way…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i see you as intelligent, charming, witty, talented, interesting  
peregrin2201: i just never really… played the field or whatever. never really got the hang of dating.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and hot  
peregrin2201: i can agree with a few of those…  
peregrin2201: i am pretty witty, i guess. i’m more the funny guy than the ladies man, you know?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, the smart girls (and guys) are the ones who go for the funny guys  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: looks may fade, but laughter lasts forever, ya know?  
peregrin2201: that’s the way i try to see it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i did the whole “ladies man” thing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it was fun while it lasted  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but really, i’d love to have someone to just have fun with  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: all kinds of fun  
peregrin2201: same here… just someone who won’t judge me for anything  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doesn’t sound like you’ve got anything to judge, anything bad at least  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know i’ve said this probably a dozen times, but i’m really glad i came in here tonight  
peregrin2201: i guess… some people seem to always find the flaws though  
peregrin2201: it’s like i just can’t please them no matter what  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well screw em  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or… don’t actually haha  
peregrin2201: well…easier said than done  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you shouldn’t have to please anyone other than yourself  
peregrin2201: …that sounds dirty  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: now who’s the flirt  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry, my mind is pretty much always in the gutter  
peregrin2201: don’t you think that’s bad advice though? i mean, you shouldnt be totally focused on only pleasing yourself…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and my mind is usually in the gutter too, by the way  
peregrin2201: then i’m glad to have some company down here haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t mean you should be selfish, but then again, a little bit of selfishness is okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just mean, you can’t live solely for others  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you have to take care of your own needs  
peregrin2201: i suppose so…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because you can’t always count on others to take care of your needs for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this is sounding dirty again…  
peregrin2201: i’m not sure i even know what my own needs are anymore  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you happy?  
peregrin2201: well, i guess i should be  
peregrin2201: i have a great job, my family… all that stuff. But i dunno.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i didn’t ask if you should be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: happy?  
peregrin2201: no, i guess not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well then, there’s your biggest need  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: everyone deserves to be happy, especially someone as outstanding as you  
peregrin2201: i haven’t really admitted that before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not easy, is it?  
peregrin2201: i don’t know what could be missing, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s always the hard part…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe you need to get laid, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha im sorry  
peregrin2201: well… that could explain it, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah… im sorry  
peregrin2201: never really helps that much  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know how it feels to be left… unsatisfied  
peregrin2201: i just… never really get that excited about sex. i mean, it’s alright but…  
peregrin2201: it’s not the cure to all the worlds problems  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: can i ask you something?  
peregrin2201: sure…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: have you ever… thought about  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trying it with a guy?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not assuming anything  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please don’t take it the wrong way  
peregrin2201: no… i can honestly say i haven’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh, okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well nevermind  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: some people just aren’t that into sex, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (i’m not one of them, haha)  
peregrin2201: i mean, not like seriously considered it. people think about a lot of stuff theyd never do, you know?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so… it has crossed your mind?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:  
peregrin2201: i guess, but it’s not like i ever really thought i would, you know?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i understand  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: too bad…  
peregrin2201: i mean, i’ve though about having a threesome but that’s not gonna happen either. just a thought.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, kinky  
peregrin2201: dissappointed in my lack of a sex drive? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha not at all  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and who says it’s not going to happen?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you want it, go for it  
peregrin2201: well… i dunno. i wouldn’t even know what to do. i can barely even flirt with chicks.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sometimes just being yourself is more than enough  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’ve caught my attention, at least  
peregrin2201: i’m sure not all guys go for geeky rockers, though  
peregrin2201: i’m sort of an acquired taste haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm, i’m sure you are…  
peregrin2201: oh god… i didn’t even mean to set you up for that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: see, you don’t even have to try  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re a natural  
peregrin2201: at what?! flirting with dudes? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: apparently  
peregrin2201: i guess that could be a handy skill to have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: indeed… handy…  
peregrin2201: so, it’s not really different from flirting with girls? just try to be funny and hope for the best?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh pretty much…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: does that mean you’re flirting with me?  
peregrin2201: umm… well, i was trying to, sort of, before i knew you were a guy…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm… i did notice  
peregrin2201: and i guess i haven’t really stopped. i mean, you’re still the same person…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i am  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: odd question, but is your hair down, or pulled back?  
peregrin2201: it’s umm… kinda in a bun? it’s getting pretty long  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i bet it’s nice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: kinda wish i could run my fingers through it…  
peregrin2201: i might purr. that’s like my favorite thing.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: omg… stop  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you purr?  
peregrin2201: it’s been known to happen…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thats… hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls your hair tie out, rubbing your scalp slightly*  
peregrin2201: i’m… glad you think so  
peregrin2201: oh my…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: does that bother you?  
peregrin2201: no… actually it doesn’t…  
peregrin2201: i’ve just never really done anything like this… i mean, especially with a guy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we can stop if you want…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but if you’re willing to try, you might have fun  
peregrin2201: no… we don’t have to stop…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay  
peregrin2201: you’ll just have to teach me what to do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *runs fingers through your hair, scratching lightly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe just do what feels right  
peregrin2201: mmm *leans into your touch, purring a little*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *trails down to the back of your neck, massaging*  
peregrin2201: i bet you give a good massage…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh so i’ve been told *gets behind you, massaging your shoulders*  
peregrin2201: skilled with your hands? nice…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm… been told that too  
peregrin2201: *leans back against you, still purring*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god that’s sexy…  
peregrin2201: glad you like it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *leans against you, breathing lightly on the back of your neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh i definitely do  
peregrin2201: *shivers… but in a good way*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *places a hesitant kiss to the side of your neck*  
peregrin2201: you don’t have to be hesitant…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yea?  
peregrin2201: i think… i’d like to kiss you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: same here  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *turns you around, barely brushing my lips against yours*  
peregrin2201: you don’t mind the stubble, do you? it might tickle…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not at all… i don’t mind it a little rough  
peregrin2201: mmm… i think i might like rough  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you sure you’re ready to take this step? for someone who’s never thought about being with a guy…  
peregrin2201: it’s definitely new… i’m a little scared, to be honest  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well like i said, we can stop if you want  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but to be perfectly honest, i really hope you don’t want to  
peregrin2201: maybe i have thought about it before… just a little…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh… is that so…  
peregrin2201: it was just a thought… but this isn’t so scary, maybe because its online?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: might be a good way to ease into it, you know?  
peregrin2201: i don’t wanna stop, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m still waiting on that kiss…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-p  
peregrin2201: heh…  
peregrin2201: *pulls you closer and kisses you back, running my tongue along your bottom lip*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmff  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry, is that a good sound?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wraps a hand in your hair, pulling you closer as i nibble your bottom lip*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hell yes it is  
peregrin2201: mmm, again with the hair… keep that up and this isn’t gonna last very long  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (heh, talk about the 90?s… i haven’t done this since i was maybe 16 or 17)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yea? well, i can’t have that…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *releases your hair, grabbing your hips and pulling you close*  
peregrin2201: *moans against your mouth, letting mine fall open*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushes my tongue against yours, tasting you*  
peregrin2201: mountain dew…  
peregrin2201: hope that’s okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s fine by me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as long as you don’t mind me tasting like coffee   
peregrin2201: i’m not a big coffee drinker, but… i think that suits you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
peregrin2201: i could learn to like coffee   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yea? well how bout another taste?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your neck, nipping at your ear, my hands snaking under your tee shirt over your back*  
peregrin2201: *purrs again* you weren’t thinking of leaving a mark, now were you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, would it be a bad thing if i did?  
peregrin2201: it would be pretty fucking hot, actually  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well then…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites down hard on your neck, one hand reaching to grab your ass, the other grabbing a handful of hair as i suck on your tight neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope you know how hard you’ve got me…  
peregrin2201: oh fuck…. *purrs, grabbing a fistful of your shirt*  
peregrin2201: umm… yeah not gonna lie, i don’t remember the last time i was this hard  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, sounds like a problem…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what was i saying about needs being taken care of?  
peregrin2201: i think i definitely have a need you could take care of…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm, gladly…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaches down and grabs you through your jeans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mind if i ask…?  
peregrin2201: ask…?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: size?  
peregrin2201: umm… about seven inches, i think? and pretty thick  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm… nice  
peregrin2201: yeah, you think so?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts stroking you through your jeans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i definitely think so  
peregrin2201: mmm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think thickness is even better than length  
peregrin2201: yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nibbles your neck in the same spot, lapping at the bruised skin*  
peregrin2201: more of a handful that way? or a… mouthful?  
peregrin2201: *purrs, rolls my hips toward you a little*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grinds my hips against yours*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and yes, both  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and then some  
peregrin2201: mmm, what about you? size, i mean?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: about eight i think?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe eight and a half  
peregrin2201: damn  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not as thick though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not thin, just… average  
peregrin2201: it still sounds very nice, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you think?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well… its all yours if you want it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *claims your mouth again, moaning against you*  
peregrin2201: umm… well, why don’t you show me what to do first  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls back, pulling your shirt over your head and tossing it aside*  
peregrin2201: i’m a quick learner and i bet you’re a very good teacher…  
peregrin2201: *blushes*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: always happy to lend a hand  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, the thought of you blushing…  
peregrin2201: i was hoping for just that  
peregrin2201: but maybe more than only a hand…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kissing your neck and shoulders as i reach down and unzip your jeans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh i’ll give you as much as you’re willing to take  
peregrin2201: *moans, reaches down to help you push my jeans down*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses my way down your chest and stomach, kneeling in front of you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you by any chance… taking care of yourself?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because i am  
peregrin2201: yeah… i am…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushing my fingers lightly against your skin, biting my lip in anticipation as i look up at you*  
peregrin2201: god, the thought of you on your knees in front of me… that’s really hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its hot from my point of view, too  
peregrin2201: *runs my fingers gently through your hair, watching you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *barely grazes my tongue up your shaft, swirling around the head before sucking in just the tip*  
peregrin2201: mmm, you’re gonna be a tease about it, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like to tease  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the waiting, the tension, is almost as sexy as the actual sex  
peregrin2201: you’ll drive me crazy like that… but that’s okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *takes more of you in, inch by inch, moaning as you fill my mouth completely*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, i bet you taste amazing  
peregrin2201: *lets out a low moan* all of it, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *works my way down until i’ve got all seven inches down my throat*  
peregrin2201: show off :p  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *releases you slowly, dragging my teeth slightly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s been a while in real life, but online, i’m always a pro  
peregrin2201: mmm… fuck… *sucks in a breath, tangles my hand in your hair*  
peregrin2201: well i think you’re doing an amazing job…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *winks up at you before picking up a rhythm*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why thank you, i aim to please  
peregrin2201: oh, you are very pleasing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you ain’t seen nothing yet  
peregrin2201: *begins to thrust my hips, matching your rhythm*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *works all the way down, pushing even further until i’m deep throating you*  
peregrin2201: oh god..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck this is hot…  
peregrin2201: yeah… i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaches down to stroke myself as i suck you*  
peregrin2201: mmm…  
peregrin2201: what if i pulled your hair a little? would you like that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god yes…  
peregrin2201: *tugs on your hair, making you speed up a little*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *unzips my own jeans, wriggling out of them without taking my mouth off you*  
peregrin2201: showing off again :p  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: practice makes perfect  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulling back to stare at you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i want you to touch me  
peregrin2201: oh yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please  
peregrin2201: *slides my hand slowly down your chest before taking your cock in my hand, beginning to stroke it*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm yea  
peregrin2201: you may be bigger than me, but i think i can figure out what to do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh i’m sure  
peregrin2201: *slowly builds speed, keeping a firm grip on you, reaches out to kiss your neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *tangles a hand in your hair, thrusting my hips against your hand*  
peregrin2201: *purrs* you really know how to press my buttons, don’t you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm, likewise…  
peregrin2201: *matches your rhythm, thrusts my hips against yours as well*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grips your hair harder, biting your neck again, my hand stroking you*  
peregrin2201: mmm… god, i’m gonna be covered in your marks  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think thats sexy as hell  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’d love to mark you  
peregrin2201: me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arches my neck, winking at you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: consider me your canvas  
peregrin2201: mmm… *licks a trail across your neck before biting down*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grips you harder, my other hand reaching down to grab your ass*  
peregrin2201: you like that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes  
peregrin2201: let’s make the other side match… *turns your head, bites down on the other side of your neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fffuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bucking my hips against you, grabbing your ass tightly*  
peregrin2201: *moans, kisses a trail up and down your neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *whimpers a bit*  
peregrin2201: fuck, that’s hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea?  
peregrin2201: i bet you sound so fucking hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm, you too…  
peregrin2201: you just like making me purr…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slides the hand on your ass down, tentatively brushing against your opening*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i bet you growl, too, don’t you?  
peregrin2201: oh yeah, i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thats fucking hot  
peregrin2201: *sucks in a deep breath, tries to relax against your touch*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can stop if you want  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t want to push you too far  
peregrin2201: no… its okay…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you’ve never…?  
peregrin2201: once or twice, i tried it…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and?  
peregrin2201: it was kinda weird but… not so bad. i bet it would be better if you did it to me.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not gonna lie, the image of you fingering yourself while jacking off…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s fucking sexy as all hell  
peregrin2201: it’s not gonna be just an image soon… fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck, seriously?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re not the only one  
peregrin2201: teah, seriously… feels way better than i remember  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me how good it feels  
peregrin2201: fuck… you wanna hear me growl?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck yea… growl for me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slides one finger all the way in*  
peregrin2201: *growls deeply, but relaxes against you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea i bet you’re tight… fucking hot…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts to pump in and out slowly, sucking on your neck*  
peregrin2201: oh god… *purrs again*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *adds a second finger* i just love the noises you make  
peregrin2201: *growls* fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea? you like that?  
peregrin2201: yes… fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *fingers you harder, grinding our hips together*  
peregrin2201: mmm… i think i want… more…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want it?  
peregrin2201: yeah… god, fuck me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: holy fuck you’re hot…  
peregrin2201: please  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shit…. begging… fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: get on your knees  
peregrin2201: fuck… so are you… making me feel so good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, you’re making me feel so good too  
peregrin2201: god.. *gets on my knees for you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kneels behind you, lining myself up*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you sure you want it, baby?  
peregrin2201: fuck, if you stop now… *growls*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *drives halfway into you*  
peregrin2201: oh god… *whimpers*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re so fucking tight for me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rubs your back soothingly*  
peregrin2201: you feel so good though…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts to push further in*  
peregrin2201: *moans, arches back*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hair, using it for leverage as i slide the rest of the way in*  
peregrin2201: oh my fucking god…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god you’re hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and tight  
peregrin2201: mmm your cock feels so good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want me to fuck you?  
peregrin2201: yes… fuck me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how bad do you want it  
peregrin2201: so fucking bad… please…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love when you beg  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts to thrust slowly*  
peregrin2201: fucking tease… *growls*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, that fucking growl!  
peregrin2201: and it’s all for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *picks up the pace, one hand gripping your hip, the other in your hair*  
peregrin2201: mmm, fuck…  
peregrin2201: *thrusts back against you, matching your rhythm*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls your hair harder, pulling almost all the way out before slamming into you*  
peregrin2201: oh god  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like that?  
peregrin2201: *whimpers* yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *does it again, pushing my hips against yours as hard as i can*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *angling my hips to aim upwards, trying to hit the sweet spot*  
peregrin2201: *nearly screams* god, you’re so good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, you like getting fucked?  
peregrin2201: fuck… yes, i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *aims for the same spot, again and again, hard as possible*  
peregrin2201: oh fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck, i can’t remember when i’ve been this turned on  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ever  
peregrin2201: god me either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hips with both hands, crashing into you fast and hard*  
peregrin2201: *wraps my hand around my dick, stroking it an trying to match your pace*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: un uh… let me take care of that for you  
peregrin2201: oh yeah? if you insist…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *leans over you, reaching around to stroke you as i continue to thrust into you*  
peregrin2201: *braces self, groans* fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im close  
peregrin2201: me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *jacking you fast as i can, twisting my wrist, as i pound into you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im bout to cum  
peregrin2201: oh god…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shit  
peregrin2201: fuck me as hard as you can…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck… so fucking close…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rams into you at a blinding pace*  
peregrin2201: mmm… fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck… im cumming  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shit  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ffffffffffkk  
peregrin2201: god, i am too  
peregrin2201: oh fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: holy…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow…  
peregrin2201: goddamn… that was…  
peregrin2201: that was, literally, unlike anything i have ever done  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that was amazing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep breath* haha  
peregrin2201: you were amazing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so were you  
peregrin2201: if i smoked, i would need like half a pack right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not bad for a supposed beginner…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea, i’m lighting up as we speak (well, type)  
peregrin2201: i wasn’t lying… except maybe about how much i’ve thought about that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, you pretty much blew my mind  
peregrin2201: yeah i don’t even know how i’m still coherent right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha yea…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck it’s late…  
peregrin2201: shit.. yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’d say sorry for keeping you up, but…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’d be lying  
peregrin2201: well you definitely did keep me… up  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh likewise  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we should… chat again sometime  
peregrin2201: definitely  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: besides the fun stuff though, i really did enjoy chatting with you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im really glad i met you  
peregrin2201: yeah, i did too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: “pippin”  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *plants a gentle kiss on your lips*  
peregrin2201: gotta keep a little mystery  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fair enough  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: will you be online tomorrow night?  
peregrin2201: i’ve got the same username on AIM.. add me on there and we can chat all the time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: all the time, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like the sound of that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *MAJOR blush*  
peregrin2201: well… pretty often  
peregrin2201: i do have work to do, but i’ll definitely make time for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: likewise  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i may be developing a bit of a man-crush on you…  
peregrin2201: aww…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *i think you’re giving me a permanent blush*  
peregrin2201: i bet you look adorable when you blush  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not half as adorable as you, i’m sure  
peregrin2201: and i’m very glad to be the cause of it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its not just the sex  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even though that was  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: FUCKING amazing (no pun intended)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but… it’s the whole package  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (again, no pun intended)  
peregrin2201: heh. package  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but yea. i think…  
peregrin2201: i may be just as bad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe bad can be good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i really should be letting you go  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we’ll talk again, right?  
peregrin2201: i kinda don’t wanna go…  
peregrin2201: of course  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know the feeling  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don’t worry baby… we’ll talk again  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i promise  
peregrin2201: okay  
peregrin2201: good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know i’ll have sweet dreams tonight…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (god… no wonder you thought i was a chick haha)  
peregrin2201: so i guess this is goonight… or good morning…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we can watch the sun come up together  
peregrin2201: aww, haha  
peregrin2201: god, you are a chick  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey!  
peregrin2201: not that that’s a bad thing?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you weren’t calling me a chick when i was plowing into your ass  
peregrin2201: ugh… fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: damn right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m man enough where it counts  
peregrin2201: don’t remind me, i need to actually sleep  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: alright  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sweet dreams baby  
peregrin2201: you keep talking like that and i’ll be up all morning too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well at least you won’t be alone  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m gonna be remembering this all day  
peregrin2201: me too  
peregrin2201: sweet dreams, jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sweet dreams, “pippin”   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

When I logged out of the chat room and turned my laptop off, my hands were shaking. It made my stomach turn a little to think about saying and doing all of that with another guy. I mean, he could have been anyone, but he was definitely a _he_. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since I had stupidly assumed he was a girl – a guy named Jordan flirting with me? It just seemed too weird – and he didn’t back off. He kept right on flirting with me. There was something so different about it, in a good way. It was so flattering, somehow, that some random guy behind a computer screen found something in me that attracted him. 

And, even though I’m ashamed to admit it, it turned me on. A lot.

I hadn’t imagined being with a guy like that for a long time, and it was never more than an idle fantasy – the sort of thing you imagine, but don’t really see yourself ever following through on. I wasn’t into guys. At least, I didn’t think I was. But this was just an online thing; it didn’t have to mean anything about who I really was. 

|  **Taylor**

I took a deep breath, running a shaking hand through my hair, before grabbing some tissues to clean up. I may have exaggerated my activities (I only have two hands, after all), but I hadn’t been lying when I told “pippin” how amazing that had been. I hadn’t cybered in years, but even back then, it had never been so… satisfying. The images behind my eyes had driven me almost blind with need, and when it reached its peak, I’d had to bite back a scream.

I hadn’t lied about the crush, either. There was something about this guy I liked, in between the musical taste, the modesty, and the sense of humor. It had felt so good to talk to someone, but finding someone who seemed to understand, that made it even better. Strange as it felt, I really felt like I could be honest with him, so much more than with anyone else I knew. Maybe it was just the anonymity of online, but I wasn’t so sure.

As I collapsed into bed beside my soundly-sleeping wife, I stared at the ceiling, replaying the conversation in my head. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel quite so alone. I didn’t care how needy I sounded; I knew I wanted to talk to him again, and I could hardly wait til the next time. I didn’t try to wipe the grin from my lips as I drifted into a very sweet dream, filled with Led Zeppelin, purrs, and a pair of deep brown eyes.   
  
---|---


	2. Chapter 2

**Zac**

The whole day, I kept telling myself that chatting with this guy didn't really mean anything. I wasn't not totally convinced, but it was enough to give me the confidence go back online later that night. I had to wait until Kate was in bed, just to avoid her judgment. She knew I liked to work late into the night, holed up in the garage, but that didn't stop her from nagging me to go to bed at a normal hour. Once she was tucked into bed, I slipped away, my laptop under my arm, and tiptoed to the garage. I didn't know what to expect from a second conversation with Jordan, but I was too curious not to go back for more.

|  **Taylor**

Rehearsal the next day was almost unbearable. I was distracted all day, thinking of my new friend, recalling all the things we'd said to each other, both innocent and not. I blushed as I thought back to the passionate, heated chat; he was obviously new to it, but he was definitely a fast learner. And probably more kinky than he even realized. I hadn't expected things to go as far as they had, but it had me slipping in and out of focus all day.

I worried that maybe we'd gone too far, that he'd get scared and not come back. But no, I reassured myself, he promised we'd talk again. And so when the day was finally done, I'd practically rushed home, eager to get online. I barely spoke a word to Nat through dinner, nodding absently as my kids went on about their days. Normally I paid a bit more attention, at least to my children, but I couldn't help it. If Natalie noticed, she didn't mention it, but more likely she hadn't; after all, we weren't exactly close, even for a married couple.

Nat and I put the kids to bed, and she herself retired early, complaining of a headache. I gave her a hug, told her to get some rest, and shooed her off to bed, before all but running to my office. I laughed at myself, acting like a teenager, but I was excited. I had a new friend; a very interesting, very sexy friend. I logged on, staring at my buddy list; I tried not to be too disappointed to see that he wasn't on yet.

I went through my usual routine of emails and blogs, catching up on the latest interesting news. I started to grow restless as the minutes ticked by, the lump in my throat growing. I sighed heavily, starting to think he wasn't coming, that I'd scared him off. I mentally berated myself for coming on too strong. I was about to log off, when his name popped up; I grinned wide, stopping just short of squealing with delight. Clicking on his name, I took a deep breath, anxious to see where the night would lead.  
  
---|---  
  
  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey :-D  
peregrin2201: hey  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how's it going?  
peregrin2201: pretty good, had a long day at work as usual  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, same here  
peregrin2201: ready to just relax now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: likewise  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: at the risk of sounding creepy...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was hoping you'd be online  
peregrin2201: aww, that's not creepy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay cool  
peregrin2201: i'm glad your online, too. otherwise i'd just be a creeper hiding in his garage with a laptop.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha the garage again, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't you have a living room?  
peregrin2201: yeah... but that's not really private enough  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah, yeah... same here  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm hiding in my office  
peregrin2201: if i'm in the garage, i'm "working"  
peregrin2201: so i don't get disturbed  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: it's a pretty devious plot, really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, devious indeed ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hiding in the night to talk to strangers?  
peregrin2201: now i sound like the creepy one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're not the only one though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so we can be creepy together  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that came out wrong...  
peregrin2201: nah, it sounds about right haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i guess so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: especially after last night ;-)  
peregrin2201: yeah... not the sort of "work" i usually do in the garage  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not to sound too horny, but i couldn't stop thinking about it all day  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was a little... distracted... at work  
peregrin2201: so we're creepy and horny. haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, what's on the playlist for tonight?  
peregrin2201: i'm letting itunes shuffle tonight. right now, a little oasis. champagne supernova.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh nice back to the 90's again  
peregrin2201: how about you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: across the universe, lucy in the sky with diamonds  
peregrin2201: ooh, nice. i love that movie.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as much as i love the beatles (and believe me, i do) I love what they did with their songs for it  
peregrin2201: yeah, it seems like blasphemy to admit it, but they killed some of those songs  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i feel so guilty for liking their versions better  
peregrin2201: yeah, me too...  
peregrin2201: but their version of oh darlin, for example  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love that version, its one of my favorite covers of it  
peregrin2201: yeah, mine too...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: still, i've heard a couple other versions  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: one with more drums, it's really something else  
peregrin2201: it's not one a lot of people cover, oddly...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think people are a little afraid to cover beatles tunes  
peregrin2201: takes some serious pipes to get it right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha yea it does  
peregrin2201: and of course, i love bono, so... i am the walrus. amazing.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although, i wish he hadn't dropped the accent so much  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: his dialogue is great, but when he starts singing, it's like, oh hey its bono  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but thats my only criticism of it  
peregrin2201: yeah  
peregrin2201: he really can't do much wrong, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
peregrin2201: except maybe that spiderman play...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god, i'd forgotten about that haha  
peregrin2201: if only we all could  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh man...  
peregrin2201: it should be a formula for greatness. especially for me, loving comics and u2, but it just... does not work  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so... um, about last night  
peregrin2201: yeah...?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope i didn't make you too uncomfortable...  
peregrin2201: umm... nah, not too uncomfortable  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess i got a little carried away, heh...  
peregrin2201: definitely a bit outside of my norm  
peregrin2201: you and me both  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, it's good to stretch your horizons now and then ;-)  
peregrin2201: heh, i guess so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: makes life interesting  
peregrin2201: yeah  
peregrin2201: i didn't really expect that from myself but...  
peregrin2201: i didn't dislike it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: neither did i  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as i'm sure you could tell heh  
peregrin2201: yeah, i got that impression haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha what can i say  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know what i like  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and there's nothing wrong with having some fun  
peregrin2201: i guess so...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, what else do you do for fun besides cyber with strange men? :-P  
peregrin2201: now, that is honestly the first time that's ever happened  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: uh huh... could've fooled me  
peregrin2201: i'm a quick learner  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so i see  
peregrin2201: well, normally i'd be in the garage painting or drawing... not playing on my laptop...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i don't mean to keep you from your art...  
peregrin2201: oh, it's alright. it's just a hobby anyway. it'll still be here.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't really have many hobbies  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's kinda sad... heh  
peregrin2201: i don't really have time, but i try to make it  
peregrin2201: sneaking out at night after everyone's asleep  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm into photography, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i try to always have at least one camera on me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not great, but i like being able to capture moments  
peregrin2201: that's a cool hobby  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's something to do, anyway  
peregrin2201: well it's easy enough just to take pictures, but it takes skill to take good ones  
peregrin2201: more than most people realize  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh definitely  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it takes something to see a good picture, too, though  
peregrin2201: i'm lucky if i even manage to point the camera the right direction  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: to be able to look at it, and see more than just a tree or a building or a face  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: it's like art, so i get it, even if i can't do it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh well if you're an artist, i'm sure you've got a great eye  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe i could see something of yours sometime?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if it's not too personal  
peregrin2201: maybe...  
peregrin2201: very little of it is meant to be shared  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: understandable  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a lot of my photos i don't share with anyone, either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like to keep some memories to myself  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: makes them more special, ya know?  
peregrin2201: yeah  
peregrin2201: a lot of my paintings are just random, whatever's on my mind. but sometimes i paint something with the intent of actually sharing it.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i usually don't put too much thought into my photographs  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just, if the mood strikes me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's why i usually carry two or three cameras  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess i am kind of a photography geek  
peregrin2201: it's good to be a geek about something  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although, the term "hipster" has been thrown my way once or twice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: can't say i really like that... but i guess i can see it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i went through a phase, where i guess my clothes were kind of... hipster-ish? i dont know  
peregrin2201: i'm not sure i even know what that means... haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, there i go again, sounding like a girl...  
peregrin2201: my idea of fashion is usually wearing whatever sort of smells clean  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you really are the grungy rock type then  
peregrin2201: if the shoe fits, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's cool, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could be like that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but people expect more of me than that  
peregrin2201: they expect you to smell nice? screw that. haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah but no, it's like...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like i have to dress a certain way, because it's whats expected of me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: partly because of my job  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i have this... image i guess  
peregrin2201: i see...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's so stupid  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i should be able to just wear what i want  
peregrin2201: yeah...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but everyone has to put their two cents in  
peregrin2201: people are not always crazy about my approach to fashion haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know, sounds pretty hot to me  
peregrin2201: well i'm glad you think so  
peregrin2201: you should talk to the people who keep trying to put me in khakis and shit  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what are you wearing now? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what's wrong with khakis  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wear khakis  
peregrin2201: they're fine for other people  
peregrin2201: like you  
peregrin2201: just not really my look  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i see  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't get me wrong, i have my ripped jeans days too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just, they tend to be a little... snug  
peregrin2201: at the moment... i'm just wearing another old pair of jeans and a black t shirt  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, nice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha creepy mode again... sorry  
peregrin2201: haha it's cool  
peregrin2201: so... what are you wearing?  
peregrin2201: just to even out the creepeiness  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha fair enough  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ripped jeans, actually  
peregrin2201: nice  
peregrin2201: did you rip 'em or did they come that way?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: eh, bit of both  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the knee had a rip in it when i got them, but i've added a few more  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've had them for a while  
peregrin2201: nice  
peregrin2201: no shirt?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nah  
peregrin2201: interesting...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yeah?  
peregrin2201: well maybe i'm just a weirdo, but i don't go topless when i chat with dudes online haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well my family keeps it pretty warm in the house  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if i was wearing a shirt, i'd be sweating all the time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and no one needs to see that  
peregrin2201: oh... i dunno if that would be such a bad thing...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha, oh yeah?  
peregrin2201: sweating can be a good thing. just depends on the cause.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: true, true...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i worked up a pretty good sweat last night...  
peregrin2201: yeah, same here...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, i bet that was hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (no pun intended)  
peregrin2201: oh, i dunno if i'd describe myself as hot...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so modest  
peregrin2201: that's not a bad thing though. is it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not at all  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's adorable  
peregrin2201: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh you blushing again?  
peregrin2201: maybe...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was thinking about you a lot today  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: picturing you blushing for me  
peregrin2201: aww  
peregrin2201: i was thinking about you too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think my cheeks were pretty red too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww  
peregrin2201: made it kinda... hard... it concentrate at work  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: is that so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: did anyone notice?  
peregrin2201: oh god, i hope not  
peregrin2201: that would have been awkward  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, well you weren't alone  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i had my own... problems  
peregrin2201: i hope you didn't have to... take care of those problems at work  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha no...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: actually...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was kind of waiting for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope that doesn't bother you  
peregrin2201: no, not at all  
peregrin2201: i've been waiting for you too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww :-D  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushes your cheek*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so sweet...  
peregrin2201: i thought you prefered me dirty, not sweet...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like it both ways ;-)  
peregrin2201: i'm not sure how i like it... but i like what we did last night...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: enough to want to try again?  
peregrin2201: oh yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, i'm glad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wraps my arms around you, pulling you close*  
peregrin2201: *presses my lips against your neck, sucking a little*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm *winds my fingers in your hair gently*  
peregrin2201: *purrs* again with the hair...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha you do seem to have a thing for the hair...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good thing i do, too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls your head back just enough to press my lips to yours softly*  
peregrin2201: *lets my mouth fall open, encouraging you to deepen the kiss*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *chuckles lightly, pulling back*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: someone's anxious tonight...  
peregrin2201: *pouts* maybe a little...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh bet you're cute when you pout  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nips at your lower lip, planting soft kisses along your jaw*  
peregrin2201: *moans, pulling you closer* are we taking it slow this time? that's not as fun...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh, it can be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes, smirking as I rub the back of your neck with one hand, stroking your hair with the other*  
peregrin2201: *purrs, leaning into your touch* i dunno about that... i'm gonna need some convincing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, well let's see if this does the trick  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you slowly, my toungue mingling with yours, pulling back every now and then to run along your bottom lip*  
peregrin2201: mmm, that's pretty convincing, i suppose...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your jaw and neck, flicking my tongue at your earlobe*  
peregrin2201: *purrs* okay, maybe you are onto something here...  
peregrin2201: you really do know all the right spots  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: practice makes perfect  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and let's just say... i've had plenty of practice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rubs your back, moving to the other side of your neck, trailing my breath on your skin*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls back to look at you through half-closed eyes, biting my lip*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're not going to make me do all the work, are you? ;-)  
peregrin2201: well...  
peregrin2201: maybe not all of it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *lays down on the bed, patting the mattress next to me*  
peregrin2201: *follows you, lays down as close to you as i possibly can, pressing our bodies together*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm, wasting no time, i see  
peregrin2201: i told you i've had this on my mind all day...  
peregrin2201: maybe i am a little impatient  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *runs a hand up and down your arm, feeling the muscles*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i'd be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about this all day too  
peregrin2201: you like those muscles, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not into super jacked guys, but i do like something to grab onto  
peregrin2201: i'm definitely not super jacked, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha me neither  
peregrin2201: but, at the risk of bragging, my arms are pretty muscular  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm, nice... i bet they look great under that tee shirt  
peregrin2201: *blushes*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your burning cheek*  
peregrin2201: *takes the opportunity to turn your head and kiss you on the lips*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moans against your mouth, gripping your arms tightly*  
peregrin2201: *nibbles on your bottom lip, then kisses down your neck, nibbling a few spots as well*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls at your shirt, tugging it up*  
peregrin2201: *pulls back, pulling my shirt off completely*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *runs my hands over your chest*  
peregrin2201: you like what you see?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wish i could see  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but yes  
peregrin2201: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't worry, i'm not going to ask for pictures  
peregrin2201: well... you can imagine something like this  
peregrin2201: little bit of muscle, decent tan, just a little bit of hair  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow  
peregrin2201: oh, i dunno if it's that impressive *blushes*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: very little bit of muscle, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just right ;-)  
peregrin2201: if you say so :-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know so :-P  
peregrin2201: i bet you look good too...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *runs a finger along the edge of your face, smiling at you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh, i don't know...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: little bit of muscle, not really tan, a little more than a little hair  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not that impressive  
peregrin2201: sounds nice to me...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: typical white boy, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha well thank you *blush*  
peregrin2201: sounds manlier than mine, at least haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if there's one word people usually don't use to describe me, it's manly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pout*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i have no idea why... ;-)  
peregrin2201: aww  
peregrin2201: i think it's a good word for you... especially after last night...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yeah, well...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like i said, i'm man enough where it counts  
peregrin2201: mm, you mean here? *runs my hand down your body, stopping when i reach your cock*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmf, yeah...  
peregrin2201: already hard for me?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've been hard all day, baby  
peregrin2201: oh god, me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i could barely concentrate on what i was doing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nuzzles your neck, stroking your hair softly*  
peregrin2201: mmm... me either... so hard to concentrate  
peregrin2201: *purrs, begins to gently stroke your dick through your jeans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *takes your hand and wraps your arm around my back, drawing our hips closer, placing small kisses on your chest*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i couldn't wait to talk to you again  
peregrin2201: i know, i've been so anxious all day... just imagining talking to you again...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha not for nothing, but we don't seem to be doing a lot of talking...  
peregrin2201: well... you know what i mean...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *flicks my tongue out over your nipple*  
peregrin2201: *gasps, runs my hands through your hair*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, you like that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *swirls my tongue around your nipple, catching it between my teeth*  
peregrin2201: well... i like the thought of you doing it, that's for sure  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites down harder, dragging my nails lightly down your back*  
peregrin2201: mmm, are you gonna leave marks on my back too?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe... do you want me to?  
peregrin2201: yes... please...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, so polite...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rubs your back soothingly*  
peregrin2201: *blushes* i guess i am  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i don't know...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think you still have a lesson or two to learn  
peregrin2201: mm, like what?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like how it doesn't always have to be tooth and nail ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your chest lightly, looking up at you*  
peregrin2201: well, that's not my usual, so maybe i want to try something a little different with you  
peregrin2201: but... i guess i can enjoy this too :-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you trust me?  
peregrin2201: yes...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i trust you, too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *lays back, pulling you on top of me, kissing you deeply, barely brushing my fingers up and down your back*  
peregrin2201: mmm... *runs my fingers through your hair while we kiss*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *leans my head back, letting you take over*  
peregrin2201: *kisses gently down your neck, then continues on down your chest*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *one hand playing with your hair, the other lightly gripping your upper arm*  
peregrin2201: you like that, huh? *flicks my tongue across your nipple*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arches my back, moaning lightly, bending one knee and rubbing it against your side*  
peregrin2201: i'm gonna assume that's a yes  
peregrin2201: it's also pretty hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes as you continue to kiss my chest*  
peregrin2201: you know i need encouragement... gotta know if i'm doing good...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me... you're doing very good  
peregrin2201: good :-)  
peregrin2201: *kisses down your chest, then down your stomach, reaching out and grasping your hip*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *lifting my hips off the bed slightly, whimpering as I watch you make your way down, licking and biting my lip*  
peregrin2201: now which one of us is getting impatient? ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm plenty patient; just enjoying the moment with you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *runs my fingers through your hair, gazing down at you, a small smile on my lips*  
peregrin2201: *slides my hand across your thigh, ever so lightly running it up and down your length*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holding your eyes as i squirm beneath your touch, biting my lip hard*  
peregrin2201: plenty patient, huh? *grins*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm still a guy  
peregrin2201: so i've noticed  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i should hope so ;-)  
peregrin2201: definitely all man where it counts... *tightens my grip, stroking as much as i can through your jeans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bucking my hips upwards, arching my back, moaning out your name*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (whatever that name is)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-P  
peregrin2201: heh... i suppose i can tell you, after everything we've done  
peregrin2201: it's sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, sam?  
peregrin2201: yup  
peregrin2201: not as interesting as pippin, i guess haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i can see why you went with the lotr reference  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but okay, sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moaning your name as my hips lift off the bed slightly, gripping the sheets below him*  
peregrin2201: trying to tell me something there? *raises an eyebrow, begins to unbutton and unzip your pants*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, maybe...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *lifts my hips enough for you to pull my jeans down*  
peregrin2201: are you wearing underwear?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not today  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tight pants don't leave much room  
peregrin2201: true  
peregrin2201: which is why i'm not wearing any either...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh, nice, thanks for that image  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, you like what you see?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blushes as you look at me*  
peregrin2201: oh yeah, definitely  
peregrin2201: *reaches out and wraps my hand around your cock, stroking it a little*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *jumps a little at your touch, pulling you up to kiss you slowly*  
peregrin2201: slowing things down again, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: slow and steady wins the race, don't you know?  
peregrin2201: mm, i suppose  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: unless you're in a hurry...  
peregrin2201: i've got nowhere else to be... nowhere else i really want to be, either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww you really mean that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *biting my lip*  
peregrin2201: yeah, i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *takes a shaky breath, before pulling you into another, deeper kiss*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: "theres no place i'd rather be, either" i whisper against your lips  
peregrin2201: mmm... *kisses you back, tries to sneak my hand back down between us to wrap around you again*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arching my hips, leaning into your touch, moaning against your mouth as I wrap my arms around you*  
peregrin2201: mmm, now that's the response i was going for  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i see how it is  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you only want me for my body, is that it?  
peregrin2201: i didn't say that, did i?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was just kidding...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *MAJOR blush*  
peregrin2201: you're really fun to talk to, too... even when i don't have my hand down my pants...  
peregrin2201: *breaks our kiss to trail my lips down your neck again*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: same here...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nudges your shoulders, pushing down slightly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... please...  
peregrin2201: please what? *innocent look*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *staring into your eyes, biting my lip*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *running a finger over your lips*  
peregrin2201: *flicks my tongue across your finger* yes?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rolling my eyes back at the feeling of your tongue on my skin*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god sam...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: suck me...  
peregrin2201: well, when you put it that way...  
peregrin2201: *kisses my way down your chest and stomach, grasps your cock in my hand and reaches out to lick the head*  
peregrin2201: *glances back up at you* tell me if i'm doing okay, alright?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh fuck sam...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *gripping the sheet in one hand, reaching down to tangle the other in your hair, watching your eyes as you lick me*  
peregrin2201: *licks a few circles around the head, watching your reaction*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ungh  
peregrin2201: i'm sure i'm not as good as this as you are...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're doing fine  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *biting my lip hard, fighting the urge to close my eyes as i stroke your hair*  
peregrin2201: *slowly begins to take you into my mouth, a little bit at a time*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i have to admit, the thought of me being the first blowjob you've given is pretty fucking hot  
peregrin2201: oh yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: does that sound vain of me?  
peregrin2201: maybe just a little... but it's okay  
peregrin2201: you're so big, though... i picked a hell of a guy to start with, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha well after me, other guys should be easy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that is, if there are any others  
peregrin2201: mm... you never know what will happen, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you never know, baby  
peregrin2201: *sucks more and more of you into my mouth, keeping my hand wrapped around what i can't take*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... *trying not to lift my hips, arching my back, whimpering loudly*  
peregrin2201: *moans around you, grasps your hips as i start to set my pace*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam *looking into your big brown eyes as you suck me, grabbing your hair tighter*  
peregrin2201: *begins to speed up, looking up at you the whole time*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love being able to look in a person's eyes when they're going down on me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or vice versa  
peregrin2201: mmm, yeah... what color eyes did you say you have?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like a greyish blue  
peregrin2201: nice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: depends on my mood  
peregrin2201: that's fun... mine are just brown all the time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah but brown eyes are pretty  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doe eyes  
peregrin2201: *blushes* if you say so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm *brushes your cheek as i stare into your very pretty brown eyes*  
peregrin2201: *pulls back for a second to give you a smile, then sucks you back into my mouth, doing my best to take it all*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh shit *arches my back, rolling my hips slightly*  
peregrin2201: mm, you like that? *digs my fingernais into your hips, speeds up*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fucking hell  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bucking my hips more, my mouth hanging open as i moan your name  
peregrin2201: fuck, i love how worked up you're getting  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love how worked up you're making me  
peregrin2201: not gonna lie, i'm pretty damn proud of myself right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha you should be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: feel like taking it a step further?  
peregrin2201: mm, what step did you have in mind?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *takes one of your hands, bringing it to my lips, swirling my finger around your index finger before sucking it into my mouth, winking at you*  
peregrin2201: ooh, that's what you want? alright...  
peregrin2201: *lets you get my finger nice and wet, then slids it between your cheeks, pressing it against your entrance*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arches my back, pressing my hips against you*  
peregrin2201: mmm, you really want it bad, huh? *slips one finger inside of you slowly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
peregrin2201: feels good?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so good *staring into your eyes again, watching you, silently begging for more*  
peregrin2201: *slowly sliding my finger in and out* you want more, huh?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god, yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's been... a long time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: since i bottomed  
peregrin2201: you sure you don't want me to take it slow then?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: decisions, decisions...  
peregrin2201: hehe  
peregrin2201: it's up to you... *still slowly moving just the one finger in and out, keeping a steady pace*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ungh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you say you don't know how to flirt...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: c'mere  
peregrin2201: well, it's easy with you...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you up, kissing you slowly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: saying i'm easy?  
peregrin2201: haha, no...  
peregrin2201: if you are, i guess i am too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think you're easy at all  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're far too good a person  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm actually surprised you've let me in  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (in more ways than one)  
peregrin2201: ha  
peregrin2201: like i said, it's just easy with you...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but seriously, though...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know what you mean...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses the tip of your nose*  
peregrin2201: *giggles*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha you giggle too?  
peregrin2201: i've been told i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're just bursting with cuteness ;-)  
peregrin2201: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i could just eat you up :-P  
peregrin2201: now there's a thought...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, indeed...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you deeper, sucking your tongue into my mouth and sucking on it*  
peregrin2201: *moans into your mouth*  
peregrin2201: so, you still want more...?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes  
peregrin2201: well alrighty then... *slowly slides a second finger inside, a little at a time, waiting for your reaction*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:: fuck... *biting your bottom lip, my eyes never leaving yours*  
peregrin2201: *groans* fuck... that is so hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the biting, or the staring?  
peregrin2201: yes ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: *begins building up my pace, but still trying to be gentle with you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaching one hand down to squeeze your ass, the other grabbing the back of your neck as i flick my tongue out at your lips*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, so sweet of you, being gentle  
peregrin2201: well, you said it had been a while...  
peregrin2201: and i know what that's like, in a way  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: starting to see how nice slow and tender can be? ;-)  
peregrin2201: i suppose it's not so bad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushes your cheek with my tongue*  
peregrin2201: mmm...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: more  
peregrin2201: more??  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please *puppy dog eyes*  
peregrin2201: aww, i bet that's adorable. can't say no to that.  
peregrin2201: *slowly, carefully adds a third finger... little by little*  
peregrin2201: is that what you wanted?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: FUCK *screams your name as i push my hips against your hand, forcing your fingers all the way in*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SAM  
peregrin2201: oh god...  
peregrin2201: so fucking hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holding still, my body shaking, holding on to you tightly*  
peregrin2201: fuck... *grinds against your thigh, trying to still keep a steady rhythm*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *my body shaking even more as i lock eyes with you, just to hold myself together. i moan your name again and again, whispering it like a prayer as i feel you filling me up*  
peregrin2201: oh god... fuck, i love knowing i'm making you feel this good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah you are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no one's ever made me feel this good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... i need you  
peregrin2201: oh, fuck... god, no one's made me feel this good either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no one?  
peregrin2201: no one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you really mean that? because i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not just saying it  
peregrin2201: i do.... you know i've never done anything like this before, but fuck... it's amazing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: call me crazy, but i haven't been this turned on in real life since i can remember  
peregrin2201: me either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please  
peregrin2201: fuck, i was hoping you would say that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want to fuck me?  
peregrin2201: god, yeah. wanna fuck you so bad.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm all yours, baby  
peregrin2201: *withdraws my fingers and pulls back to take my jeans off, then climbs back on top of you, leaning down to kiss you again*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you with my eyes open*  
peregrin2201: mm... *opens my eyes, sucks on your bottom lip*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i need you so bad  
peregrin2201: *sits back, spreads your legs and lines my cock up, just barely pressing against you* yeah? do you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know i do baby  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've needed you since last night  
peregrin2201: mmm, fuck... *digs my fingernails into your hips and thrusts forward, sliding inside of you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: FUCK  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SAM  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arching my back, grinding my hips against yours, clawing at the sheets, my eyes never leaving yours*  
peregrin2201: *growls* fuck... feels so good...  
peregrin2201: god, you're hot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah? you like it?  
peregrin2201: mm, yeah  
peregrin2201: *thrusts deeper in, feeling how tight you are around me*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so tight for you  
peregrin2201: god, i bet you feel amazing...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm, you too *pushing my hips to meet your thrusts, staring at you through half-closed eyes, dragging my tongue over my bottom lip*  
peregrin2201: *leans down, holding myself up with my arms, and thrusts into you harder, building my rhythm*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck *reaching down to stroke myself, matching the rhythm you set, my other hand grabbing onto your upper arm*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you touching yourself?  
peregrin2201: fuck, yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: me too  
peregrin2201: i have been for a while now..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh me too  
peregrin2201: *glances down to watch you, moans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like fucking me, sam?  
peregrin2201: fuck yes  
peregrin2201: you feel so good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck so do you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rakes my nails down your chest*  
peregrin2201: *growls* fuck, jordan...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: say that again  
peregrin2201: jordan.. fuck...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *claws your chest again*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love when you say my name  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *staring up at you, grabbing a fistfull of hair and pulling you down, kissing and biting your neck*  
peregrin2201: *growls* and i love when you leave your marks on me...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites down hard*  
peregrin2201: oh, fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sucks on your neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh fuck sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm getting close  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: harder  
peregrin2201: mmm, fuck jordan... *thrusts into you as hard as i can*  
peregrin2201: *growls*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck i love when you growl  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slamming my hips against yours, screaming out your name, sinking my teeth into the muscle of your shoulder*  
peregrin2201: oh, god... *wraps my arms around you, digging my nails into your back, my pace getting frantic*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes *bites down harder, my eyes watering*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im so fucking close  
peregrin2201: god, me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck me  
peregrin2201: *grasps your hips and pulls you toward me, shuddering* god... so fucking close...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: FUCK  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: IM COMING  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SAM  
peregrin2201: oh god.... fuck... *thrusts as hard as i can, long and deep, growling as i do*  
peregrin2201: come for me, jordan... fuck...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SSSHIT  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: FUCK  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SAM  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: YES  
peregrin2201: oh god  
peregrin2201: jordan... fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shit...  
peregrin2201: yeah.. fuck...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow  
peregrin2201: god... *shuddering, collapses on top of you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, rubbing your back, stroking your hair*  
peregrin2201: *purrs*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *lifts your chin to look into your eyes again*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that was... amazing  
peregrin2201: god, i know...  
peregrin2201: ha, not to sound conceited  
peregrin2201: i mean, it was amzing for me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *laughing at myself as i have to dry my eyes a bit*  
peregrin2201: you okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: intense, ya know?  
peregrin2201: yeah....  
peregrin2201: like nothing i've ever done before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: to be perfectly honest, i've never gotten off that good ever  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like.. in real life... ever  
peregrin2201: me either. really.  
peregrin2201: offline, my sex life... not nearly this exciting  
peregrin2201: is that pathetic? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no, not at all  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no more pathetic than me crying over it anyway  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not crying  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, you know *blush*  
peregrin2201: aww, i don't think you're pathetic  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i don't think you are, either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think you're a lot of things  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sexy, intelligent, amazing, special  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: one of a kind  
peregrin2201: *blushes*  
peregrin2201: you're gonna give me an ego problem if you keep that up  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but definitely not pathetic  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: even if mostly i disagree with you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh hush *playfully swats your arm*  
peregrin2201: haha  
peregrin2201: you might be all of those things, but i dunno if i am... but i'm glad you think i am  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, just looking at you, smiling*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh oh, i don't know if im all that  
peregrin2201: oh, i think so... especially the sexy part hehe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha *blush*  
peregrin2201: god, we're a couple of chicks. blushing all the time.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha, i won't tell if you won't  
peregrin2201: haha, who would i tell?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good point  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stroking your hair, placing a gentle kiss on your lips*  
peregrin2201: ugh, if you start with the hair again, you're gonna have me up all night... literally...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you say that like it would be a bad thing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wouldn't mind being up all night with you  
peregrin2201: i wouldn't mind either...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: i just wish i could... work comes early  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* i know how that goes, believe me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you get days off at least?  
peregrin2201: it's not a really steady 9 to 5 schedule  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?  
peregrin2201: kind of a... family business, so it's pretty lenient about the hours  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this isn't the kind of job where you could tell me but you'd have to kill me is it? ;-)  
peregrin2201: not exactly... haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i kinda wish you didn't have to go....  
peregrin2201: me too... i do have to sleep at some point though, and falling asleep on my keyboard in the garage is not really the best idea  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although it'd probably be cute as hell  
peregrin2201: you'd probably be the only person who thought so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'd come down and wrap a blanket around you so you don't catch a cold ;-)  
peregrin2201: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: will you be on tomorrow?  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: promise?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha sorry  
peregrin2201: yeah, i promise  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then i suppose i could let you go for now  
peregrin2201: you probably need to sleep too...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: meh  
peregrin2201: what, didn't i wear you out? ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can handle quite a bit  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no shortage of endurance here, baby ;-)  
peregrin2201: good to know  
peregrin2201: just don't want you to miss out on your sleep either. i dunno about you, but i need a lot of sleep.  
peregrin2201: it's one of the few things, aside from my geeky hobbies, that i let myself indulge in  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm used to not getting much  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the way my life is... well, a full-nights sleep is a bit of a rare treat  
peregrin2201: i don't always get a lot, so when i can sleep in... or even take a nap.... i take full advantage  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha that's good  
peregrin2201: the way your life is? that sounds even more mysterious than my family business  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh, well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my family... keeps me busy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that... doesn't sound better does it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's just kind of...  
peregrin2201: not really, but i know the feeling  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: complicated  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry  
peregrin2201: that's not a good thing for family to be...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, sometimes you don't have much of a choice but to take what life throws at you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't regret it exactly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just... *sigh*  
peregrin2201: you don't regret... your family?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: kinda?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me, you don't want to know...  
peregrin2201: that's not good :-(  
peregrin2201: i could say the same about mine...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love them, but if i had it all do to over again  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...i just don't know  
peregrin2201: :-(  
peregrin2201: i'm sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think i've ever really admitted that before...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...im sorry... you don't need to hear my depressing boring details  
peregrin2201:, i've got my depressing details too... i think you heard a few of them last night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know about details, but yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry... you probably don't want to know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i shouldn't bother you with this stuff  
peregrin2201: it sounds like you need someone to share with, though  
peregrin2201: it's not really good to bottle stuff up all the time... i should know...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wiping my eyes again*  
peregrin2201: aww... *holds you close and kisses your cheek*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not that i don't appreciate it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because trust me, i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... why would you care about my problems?  
peregrin2201: it just sounds like you're going through some shit... and you've listened to me, even if i haven't told you a lot, and that means a lot to me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it means a lot to me too, that you're willing to listen  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'd kill to have someone like you in my life  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: someone who understands  
peregrin2201: me too... you're the closest i've got to that kind of person  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: same  
peregrin2201: well if you can listen to me and understand me, then i can do the same for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you have no idea how much that means to me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, staring into your eyes as I kiss your lips*  
peregrin2201: *runs my hands up and down your back* you can talk to me about it if you want... but only if you want to...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you really mean that?  
peregrin2201: i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, sam...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: keep talking like that, and..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i really am glad i met you  
peregrin2201: i'm glad i met you too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's weird, i know we've only talked twice, but i already trust you more than half the people i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: more than half, actually  
peregrin2201: you must know some shitty people, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: and i must too, because i could say the same thing about you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks deep into your eyes*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...  
peregrin2201: yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nothing...  
peregrin2201: okay...  
peregrin2201: if you want to talk about shit, though... i'll listen  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: same goes for you, you know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm here for you  
peregrin2201: i don't open up to people very easily, but... i appreciate it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well then i feel honored that you've opened up to me as much as you have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (totally meant that in a non-dirty way)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (although...)  
peregrin2201: haha  
peregrin2201: well, that too...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, i just...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't believe i met someone so amazing  
peregrin2201: you're overestimating my awesomeness... but don't stop. haha.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay then  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're sexy as fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and AMAZING in bed  
peregrin2201: mmm, but so are you...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you have beautiful eyes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and an even more beautiful soul  
peregrin2201: okay, okay. *blushes* enough about me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
peregrin2201: why don't you open up to me a little bit now?  
peregrin2201: get some of that shit off your chest. i know you need to.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well... didn't you say you needed sleep?  
peregrin2201: that's what they invented mountain dew for  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: i'll just call in lazy tomorrow. it won't be the first time.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...are you sure?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don't have to listen...  
peregrin2201: but i want to listen. you listened to me, and you didn't have to  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
peregrin2201: just whatever you're comfortable with...  
peregrin2201: you don't have to give me your entire autobiography or anything haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess i could tell you a little bit  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i kinda... started a family  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: way too young  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it... wasn't planned  
peregrin2201: oh...  
peregrin2201: that happens sometimes... too often  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i was pressured into doing the "right thing"  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so i married her  
peregrin2201: oh, i see  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...  
peregrin2201: that usually doesn't work out... i wouldn't know from experience, exactly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please don't think less of me for doing... this...  
peregrin2201: i don't...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not like i'm cheating  
peregrin2201: i'm not really in any position to judge you for that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't honestly say i haven't thought about it  
peregrin2201: yeah?  
peregrin2201: i haven't... not like, following through on it.  
peregrin2201: umm... maybe there's something i haven't mentioned  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?  
peregrin2201: i'm married too...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well  
peregrin2201: not the same kind of situation, but... it's not exactly the best marriage ever  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im sorry  
peregrin2201: there's no reason for it not to be, it just... isn't  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you could always divorce her, if you're that unhappy  
peregrin2201: it's not really that simple, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it never is...  
peregrin2201: i guess not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm really sorry  
peregrin2201: me too... it sucks that we're both stuck in such shitty situations  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but having someone to talk to about it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it really helps  
peregrin2201: yeah, it does  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've never really talked about it before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not honestly, anyway  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i always have to act like like it's what i wanted, like we have this fairy tale romance  
peregrin2201: the thing about mine is... it is what i wanted, but i can't really remember why anymore  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'd still rather have that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i never wanted this  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: holy shit  
peregrin2201: yeah, i'm not trying to compare the two  
peregrin2201: aww  
peregrin2201: *hugs*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i, uh...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've never actually said that before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wiping eyes a lot*  
peregrin2201: i'm so sorry...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... i'm so sorry  
peregrin2201: you don't have to apologize to me...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god i sound so pathetic  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... can you, like...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hold me?  
peregrin2201: aww... of course *pulls you into my arms and holds you tight*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hugs you close, burying my face in your shoulder as I begin to cry quietly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im really sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know why i'm even bothering to tell you i'm crying...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you probably think im so pathetic  
peregrin2201: no, of course i don't  
peregrin2201: i told you, i'm not the judgmental type  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don't even know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck, i'm sorry...  
peregrin2201: you really don't have to apologize  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *laughs lightly, wiping my eyes*  
peregrin2201: i'm just glad i could be there for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i owe you so much  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looking into your eyes, kissing your lips softly*  
peregrin2201: i'm sure you'll repay me for it the next time i get down on myself  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well hopefully you won't get down on yourself too much  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's my job  
peregrin2201: getting down on me? haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, more "going" than "getting"  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: our minds are in the same gutter  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: they can keep each other company  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean it when i say i've never admitted that stuff to anyone else before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not even myself  
peregrin2201: wow  
peregrin2201: i've admitted a lot... and done a lot... with you that i haven't before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i just got so used to the lies, that i made myself believe...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: part of me wishes i still could  
peregrin2201: maybe it will end up being good to know the truth?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i doubt it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it won't change anything  
peregrin2201: you never know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could believe that...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but it's not that simple  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: things are the way they are, and sometimes no amount of wishing can change them  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that sounds pretty jaded, doesn't it  
peregrin2201: i feel the same way, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, at least now i have you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i have you, to talk to  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it really means more to me than you probably know  
peregrin2201: i'm glad you feel that way  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know, it's probably not the same for you...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but at least i hope you enjoy talking to me  
peregrin2201: i do... i really do. and not just talking...  
peregrin2201: but i do like that too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you don't just want me for my body, then? ;-)  
peregrin2201: well, that's just a plus haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: maybe you can sleep a little better now that you've gotten a few things off your chest?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* yeah, i think so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i'm going to sleep better tonight than i have in years, actually  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thanks to you  
peregrin2201: i think i'll be having some pretty sweet dreams tonight too...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of anything in particular?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or anyone?  
peregrin2201: well, there's this guy named jordan... you might know him... ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, the name rings a bell... but i don't know...  
peregrin2201: well, he's kind of a chick, but he's all man where it counts, he's got these amazing blue eyes, and he's fantastic in bed  
peregrin2201: ring any bells?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, bells... i think so...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *leans over to kiss you*  
peregrin2201: *runs my fingers through your hair*  
peregrin2201: i hate to leave, but...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, i know  
peregrin2201: it's not like i won't be back  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you'd better be  
peregrin2201: or what?  
peregrin2201: you gonna punish me?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe...  
peregrin2201: i might like that..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, you think?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *playfully tugs your hair*  
peregrin2201: *moans* yeah, i think i would definitely like that...  
peregrin2201: you're just showing me all kinds of new, fun things, aren't you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grips your hair harder, biting your neck*  
peregrin2201: mm...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'll show you anything you want  
peregrin2201: mmm... think you can wait until tomorrow to show me?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pout* i suppose...  
peregrin2201: aww, i'm sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've taken up enough of your time  
peregrin2201: i really just want to imagine you thinking about me all day...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well that's pretty much a given already  
peregrin2201: i'm gonna be thinking about you too... knowing you're thinking about me is just gonna make it even harder to concentrate at work  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: fuck... i'm gonna be lucky if i can even sleep now. you've still got me all worked up.  
peregrin2201: but i'm not complaining  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yeah, i'm not sure if i'll be getting any sleep either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a lot on my mind now  
peregrin2201: well i hope you do. sounds like you need to rest.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: unfortunately, not all of it good...  
peregrin2201: i hope i didn't make things worse...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god no  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you've made things so much better than you could ever know  
peregrin2201: :-)  
peregrin2201: you've made things... interesting. in a good way.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i hope in a good way  
peregrin2201: i've definitely got a lot on my mind, too... but yeah, in a good way  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i hope i helped a little...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i didn't really do much though  
peregrin2201: relieved a hell of a lot of tension, hehe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, besides the sex stuff  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope i made you feel a little better, at least  
peregrin2201: yeah, you did. i wouldn't have done all the sex stuff if...  
peregrin2201: well, i just don't open up to just anyone  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: so consider yourself very lucky, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh believe me, i do ;-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: extremely lucky  
peregrin2201: good :-)  
peregrin2201: think we can try to get some sleep now? mountain dew can only get me so far...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yeah...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just.. this is gonna sound so lame  
peregrin2201: i'm sure it won't  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, do you think you could...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: say my name again?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its dumb i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but it makes this feel... more real  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ya know?  
peregrin2201: that's not dumb, jordan. you know i really like that name...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh... do you?  
peregrin2201: yeah, i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you sam *kisses you one last time*  
peregrin2201: you're welcome, jordan :-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: alright, get some rest baby  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your forehead*  
peregrin2201: you too, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: meh  
peregrin2201: at least try?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but only because you told me to ;-)  
peregrin2201: i'm gonna ask you tomorrow and make sure that you did  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im sure you will  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay baby  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sweet dreams  
peregrin2201: goodnight, jordan :-)  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: goodnight sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-*

**Zac**

It was strange how much and yet how little of substance Jordan and I had actually talked about. I didn't know about him, but I was playing my cards pretty close my my chest, revealing only as little as I was comfortable with. But things had gotten so intense. It wasn't just the sex, although that was intense in so many ways. I found myself doing all kinds of things “with” him that I had never done outside of a few distant dreams that I thought I'd forgotten.

What struck me about him during our first conversation was how good of a listener he was. He asked so many questions of me and seemed to really care what I had to say. The tables turned during this second conversation, somehow. Maybe it was because the sex was different, with him forcing me to take the lead. Whatever it was, it seemed the floodgates had opened.

|  **Taylor**

I wiped my still-misty eyes as I shut down the computer, sighing heavily as I sat back in my chair. I didn't know why I'd told Sam all that, but it felt... good. I could hardly believe how relieved I was, to admit how I really felt about my situation. No, it wasn't going to change anything, but somehow, saying it felt like some sort of closure, or acceptance. I honestly felt better than I had in a long time. 

It was frightening, admitting to something that felt so... wrong. It felt like betrayal, saying I would make different choices, if given a second chance. It was like I'd told Sam; I'd told the lies so many times, wanting a big family, being hopelessly in love with Natalie, that I'd convinced myself they were true. Or convinced myself the truth didn't matter. As long as my wife and children were happy, that had always been enough for me. I never gave my own satisfaction a second thought, at least not in regards to them. Not until Sam had convinced me to open up.

Sam... I didn't know him very well, but I was finding it harder and harder to think of him as just a friend. It wasn't the sexual stuff that was affecting me, either; it was the fact that he took the time to listen, to let me (virtually) cry on his shoulder. I didn't really have anyone like that, that I could be so open and honest with. He was sweet, adorable, funny, charming... I realized sheepishly that I really was developing a bit of a crush on him. He said he lived in Tulsa; maybe someday I'd get to meet him. But in the meantime, I was glad to have him in my life.  
  
---|---


	3. Chapter 3

**Zac**

One thing I knew about myself was that I wasn’t good at listening to people. Not like Jordan was. I didn’t even know what kind of advice I could offer to him when his situation seemed so much worse than mine. It wasn’t like I couldn’t relate in some way, but I didn’t want to make it all about me, either. He just needed someone to listen to. I kind of wanted to be that person for him. It seemed like he didn’t have anyone else, and I knew that feeling, too.

I didn’t think I had fucked it up too badly, though. It seemed like he still wanted me, which was good, because I was beginning to realize I didn’t want this cyber thing we’d started to end. When I logged back online for the third night in a row, he was there again, waiting for me. 

|    
**Taylor**

Where the previous day had dragged on, the next one flew by; the minutes didn’t crawl as they had before, instead disappearing before I could count them. I was even less focused, my mind buzzing with thoughts of Sam, and everything he’d gotten me to open up about. It felt good to get all that off my chest, but I knew that nothing was really going to change. And realizing how unhappy I was, but knowing there was nothing I could do, left me with feeling cold.

But somehow, I couldn’t find any regret. It did feel good to let it out, to be truly honest with myself about my lot in life. And it wasn’t that I loathed it so much; I had a wife that truly cared about me, and four beautiful children who were my world. I reminded myself that while this wasn’t the life I’d chosen, or hoped for, it wasn’t all bad. I was grateful for all I had, for all the blessings in my life; and now, I reminded myself with a smile, I had one more person to be grateful for.

Zac asked if we could cut rehearsal short, saying Kate needed him at home for something, and I was all too happy to oblige. Nat was going to visit her parents for the weekend, taking the kids with her, so I was online far earlier than usual, this time alone in the house. I took the opportunity to be comfortable, setting my laptop up in the living room and lounging on the couch. I laughed at myself for getting so excited about chatting with a total stranger, but Sam was more than that now. He meant a lot to me; more than I’d expected, and more than I probably meant to him, I realized, my mood dampening a bit. But as his name popped up, I broke out in a gleeful grin, determined not to let my insecurities stand in our way.   
  
---|---  
  
 

x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey   
peregrin2201: hey  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re on early tonight  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not that i’m complaining   
peregrin2201: i guess i am  
peregrin2201: a little anxious i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i’m glad you’re here  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i actually have the house to myself tonight  
peregrin2201: oh, nice. i’m “working on a painting”  
peregrin2201: aka “do not disturb”  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice  
peregrin2201: it’s the only way to get the wife off my back, really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although, i’m kind of glad you’d rather talk to me than her  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow that sounded bad…  
peregrin2201: but not entirely untrue  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: at least you don’t nag…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i try  
peregrin2201: or judge me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: never  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …did something happen?  
peregrin2201: nothing new. just the same old bullshit.  
peregrin2201: she can be a little… overbearing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: need to talk about it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do owe you…  
peregrin2201: it’s just that… it’s like nothing i ever do is good enough for her  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: pretty sure she only tolerates me being out here in the garage so much because it means i’m out of her hair for a while  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry…  
peregrin2201: i hope it doesn’t sound like i don’t love her.. it’s just like that’s not always enough  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t want to cause problems between you  
peregrin2201: you’re not…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know the feeling, believe me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam… i want to thank you for last night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you didn’t have to listen…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it means a lot that you did  
peregrin2201: it’s no big deal. you needed someone to be there for you, so i was. what are friends for?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: friends…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, i thought tonight we could get to know each other a little better  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you want, anyway  
peregrin2201: what did you have in mind?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’d love to learn more about you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: anything, really… little things  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s the little things that make up how well you know someone  
peregrin2201: true  
peregrin2201: i’m not that interesting, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha i’m sure you’re more interesting than you give yourself credit for  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell you what, we’ll trade question for question  
peregrin2201: okay  
peregrin2201: you can start  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, let’s see….  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: favorite food  
peregrin2201: anything beef… a good burger (with bacon, of course) or a really nice steak  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love grilling  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m kind of a pyro, haha  
peregrin2201: a quality i admire in a person  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
peregrin2201: the grilling and the pyromania, haha  
peregrin2201: especially the grilling. i cannot cook to save my life.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: in fact, it usually endangers my life when i try  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i’ve been told i’m a pretty good cook  
peregrin2201: i can make a mean frozen pizza, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe i’ll have to come cook for you sometime  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: as long as you don’t try to get me in the kitchen haha  
peregrin2201: i’ll burn the house down, i swear i will  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i might try to “get you” in the kitchen…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
peregrin2201: welll… that’s different  
peregrin2201: okay, my turn to ask you something, right?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yup  
peregrin2201: hmm….  
peregrin2201: if you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i think i’d like to go someplace private  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: someplace relatively uncivilized  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like, an island, or a forest, or something like that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: solitude  
peregrin2201: a forest would be nice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: only bad thing would be the lack of internet conection haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: on a more realistic note, i’ve heard israel is actually really beautiful  
peregrin2201: bit of an internet addiction, huh?  
peregrin2201: ooh, yeah that would be amazing to visit  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha just a bit  
peregrin2201: i can relate  
peregrin2201: gotta have a wifi connection for my gaming  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, i have a thing for blogging  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and, certain people i’d miss talking to…  
peregrin2201:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, my turn again…  
peregrin2201: yup  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what did you want to be when you grew up, when you were a kid?  
peregrin2201: well, other than being an artist or a musician… i dunno, i didn’t really plan anything other than that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: does that mean you already do one of those?  
peregrin2201: a little bit, but i just sort of mess around with it  
peregrin2201: i guess i never really wanted to grow up though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no one does  
peregrin2201: true  
peregrin2201: i’m gonna cheat and steal that question  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i thought about going to school for architecture for a while…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i guess every kid wants to be a rock star  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: of course  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ve been known to kill it at kareoke now and then  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not to brag…  
peregrin2201: haha  
peregrin2201: i imagine that’s a handy skill to have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: meh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it doesn’t hurt  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, so…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what’s one thing about yourself you’re proud of  
peregrin2201: oh wow…  
peregrin2201: umm…  
peregrin2201: that’s a tough one, honestly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shouldn’t be THAT hard  
peregrin2201: it just really took me by surprise  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: there’s got to be something you’re proud of…  
peregrin2201: i guess… i’m pretty determined, you know? good at seeing things through. problem solving.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a very admirable quality to have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: one more people should have…  
peregrin2201: i suppose so  
peregrin2201: now that you put me on the spot, i have to force you to answer that one too  
peregrin2201: i promise i’ll come up with my own question next time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha alright  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess… kind of the same thing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do what i think is right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no matter what  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (hence the shitty family life)  
peregrin2201: that can come back to bite you in the ass sometimes, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha too true  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, i can’t help it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i always put others’ needs and happiness before my own  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, i guess you could call me selfless…  
peregrin2201: which is admirable, but not really healthy for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just look at it as doing the right thing, though  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shrug*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like making other people happy  
peregrin2201: some really smart guy once told me i needed to make myself happy too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that person must really care about you, to give you such good advice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um anyway…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: vanilla or chocolate  
peregrin2201: chocolate, definitely  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: likewise  
peregrin2201: okay, my turn… gotta think of my own question this time…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yup  
peregrin2201: hmm…  
peregrin2201: favorite movie?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm….  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this is spinal tap  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
peregrin2201: oh, good choice  
peregrin2201: that’s in my top ten, for sure  
peregrin2201: but star wars has to be number one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i had a feeling…  
peregrin2201: because i’m a geek?  
peregrin2201: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha maybe…  
peregrin2201: am i that predictable?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not predictable…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well it just seems like something you’d like  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im sorry, i shouldn’t assume  
peregrin2201: it’s okay if you’re right haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you could change one thing about your life (not yourself) what would it be  
peregrin2201: oh wow…  
peregrin2201: well, like i said, i do love my wife, but… i just wish things were different. i don’t even know what’s wrong with us, i just wish it wasn’t.  
peregrin2201: does that even make sense?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i understand  
peregrin2201: if anyone would, i guess it would be you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well I’m glad to be here for you, you know that  
peregrin2201: i just want to be happy with her again  
peregrin2201: same to you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope you find a way to work things out  
peregrin2201: maybe i will, maybe i won’t.. who knows…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i suppose…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’d rather be in your position, personally  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: things are never going to get better than they are now for me  
peregrin2201: you don’t know that…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re sweet  
peregrin2201: and you know, the grass is always greener, right?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wish i had some greener grass…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean  
peregrin2201: haha…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: afraid i smoked the last of mine, or i would share…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: interesting  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so.. you smoke then?  
peregrin2201: not as much as i’d like to, these days  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i haven’t in a long time  
peregrin2201: i used to a lot more, but… certain people don’t approve  
peregrin2201: well, a certain person  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the wife?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just guessing  
peregrin2201: guessed it in one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no offence, but she doesn’t seem very supportive  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just saying  
peregrin2201: i swear she used to be… she was there for me during a really rough time in my life…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i’ve leaned that being there for someone, while admirable, doesn’t neccessarily make you a good match for them  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i learned that the hard way  
peregrin2201: maybe not…  
peregrin2201: i was just a teenager then  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you met your wife when you were a teenager?  
peregrin2201: umm, i was like 14 when we met  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no offense, but isn’t that a little young to settle down?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or, a lot young?  
peregrin2201: well we waited a few years to get married, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a few… so you were what, 17? 18?  
peregrin2201: a little older than that  
peregrin2201: but not much  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: jeez…  
peregrin2201: well i was 20  
peregrin2201: she was 22  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s still young to get married  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but then who am i to judge  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was 19…  
peregrin2201: i’m starting to agree  
peregrin2201: we had been together for years, though… it didn’t seem strange at the time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can’t even imagine…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, you basically grew up dating this one girl?  
peregrin2201: i had… a few other girlfriends. we didn’t start dating right after we met. but she was the only serious one.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry, i don’t mean to pry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just… wow  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: being that dedicated…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don’t you ever feel like you missed out, though?  
peregrin2201: for a long time, no. i didn’t.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, did you have any time to just be you?  
peregrin2201: umm… not really. not ever, i guess.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you into a hug*  
peregrin2201: it’s really not as bad as it sounds…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but… how can you expect to be happy, if you don’t even know yourself?  
peregrin2201: i know myself…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: they why don’t you know why you aren’t happy?  
peregrin2201: i…  
peregrin2201: i don’t know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what are your dreams  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what are your aspirations for your future  
peregrin2201: are you going to be mad if i say i don’t know again?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i could never be mad at you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry if i’m making you upset…  
peregrin2201: you’re not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s not my place  
peregrin2201: you’re just asking questions i really have no clue how to answer  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well maybe that’s where you should start  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: here’s another question for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you loved this woman enough to commit before you were legal to drink…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then why are you getting MORE satisfaction (or so you’ve said) cybering with a strange man?  
peregrin2201: umm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: did you ever think maybe…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you might be  
peregrin2201: no…  
peregrin2201: i love my wife, i really do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay  
peregrin2201: it’s just… our sex life is pretty boring, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
peregrin2201: it’s fine  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but you have to admit…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re obviously not 100% straight  
peregrin2201: i wouldn’t say it’s that obvious  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *runs my fingers through your hair, nipping your neck*  
peregrin2201: i mean, besides this i’ve never been with a guy  
peregrin2201: can you… not do that right now? please?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why not?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you liked it last night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and the night before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *presses our hips together*  
peregrin2201: maybe i’m not really in the mood right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry sam, really  
peregrin2201: jordan… please don’t do this right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: let’s just forget i said anything, alright?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
peregrin2201: i think that’s probably a good idea  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re mad at me  
peregrin2201: i just don’t like what you’re implying  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what i’m implying?  
peregrin2201: that i’m…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that you’re gay?  
peregrin2201: yes  
peregrin2201: i’m not, okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
peregrin2201: please, just… let’s drop the subject  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why did you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you’re “not gay”  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then what was last night  
peregrin2201: you’re mocking my words now  
peregrin2201: i don’t know what it was, okay?  
peregrin2201: i don’t know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ll tell you what it was  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it was… amazing…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and wonderful  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you wanted it just as much as i did  
peregrin2201: it wasn’t real, okay? it was just… words on a screen…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i told you things  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: things i never told anyone  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: things i never told MYSELF  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you think  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you think it wasn’t real?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
peregrin2201: look, i’ve told you stuff too but… it’s just cyber sex, okay? it doesn’t mean that’s what i want to actually do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i thought…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i thought you cared  
peregrin2201: i didn’t say that i don’t…  
peregrin2201: it’s just…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but its just “words on a screen”  
peregrin2201: well that’s all it really is, isn’t it? you don’t know me. yet you think you know that i’m gay.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, i do  
peregrin2201: you’ve never even really met me, but you’re still judging me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how dare you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how dare you say i’m judging you  
peregrin2201: that’s what you’re doing!  
peregrin2201: telling me i don’t know my own sexuality  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s not judging sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if a guy gets off with another guy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if he’s attracted to another guy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s kind of the DEFINITION of gay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but whatever  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just words on a screen  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so why bother  
peregrin2201: now you’re mad at me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because you’re…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: grr  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what do you want me to say, sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i opened up to you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i TRUSTED you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and then you throw it in my face  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so tell me, what am i supposed to say?  
peregrin2201: i don’t know, okay? i don’t fucking know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: look, i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: can we just….  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know, start over?  
peregrin2201: i don’t know…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this was supposed to be a good night…  
peregrin2201: i don’t think i can  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
peregrin2201: i need to think… or not think. i don’t know.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please… don’t do this  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just forget i said anything  
peregrin2201: how can i forget that?!  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, fine…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re not…  
peregrin2201: i really can’t do this. i’m sorry.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam please  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaches out to you*  
peregrin2201: please don’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don’t go  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry, jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam please  
peregrin2201: i just can’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please  
peregrin2201: maybe this shouldn’t have even happened…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :’(  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
peregrin2201: i can’t… i just can’t do this, okay?  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry… i just need some time by myself to think about this… i think i got in way over my head  
peregrin2201: i think we both did  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fine…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: go, then  
peregrin2201: i will. i’m going.  
peregrin2201: bye, jordan   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

My mind was reeling when I stepped away from my laptop, slamming it shut decisively. Jordan was wrong. He had to be wrong. Who was he to say anything about my life anyway? He didn’t know me. I hadn’t even given him my real name and I had only revealed a few other facts about myself. So what if he had seen a side of me that no one else had seen?

But that wasn’t really me. That was just… part of the game. What happens online stays online, right? It wasn’t anything real, just like I had told him. I carried my laptop back to the bedroom and looked at my wife laying in our bed, fast asleep. That was real. Not what I “did” with Jordan. 

|  **Taylor**

I slammed my laptop shut in frustration. There was being naive, and then there was plain denial… and Sam was halfway into Egypt. But that was only half of it… After everything I’d shared with him, everything we’d shared together, to have him brush it off as just “words on a screen”… It hurt far more than I was willing to admit.

I started to think maybe I _was_ getting in over my head. After all, wasn’t Sam right? It wasn’t real, was it? I didn’t really know him, so how could I really be… But no, it was real… I knew it was. But if Sam wanted to pretend it wasn’t, then fine. I wasn’t going to waste my emotions on someone who didn’t, _couldn’t_ return them.

And yet, the next night, when I sat staring at my computer screen, waiting half the night for a message that never came, I couldn’t stop my eyes from misting, couldn’t lift the weight on my chest. The next night was even harder, and the next. After the third night with no sign of him, I sighed dejectedly, resigned to never hearing from him again. It hurt, but I would get over it. I’d have to. I just hoped he would be honest with himself, someday.   
  
---|---


	4. Chapter 4

**Zac**

I didn’t talk to Jordan for days. I couldn’t. I meant it when I told him it was a mistake. We got carried away. I played along with his game and let him “seduce” me, but it was meaningless. Just a game.

Still, I couldn’t get my mind off him. Everything at the studio was so tense. I’m sure Isaac and Taylor noticed that something was wrong with me, but they know better than to ask. If we spent too much time prying into each others’ mood swings – especially Taylor’s – we’d never finish an album. And Taylor was having one hell of a mood swing. He barely said a word to either of us all week. Somehow, despite how odd it was, it didn’t really interrupt the flow. If anything, it was easier to work without him pulling us off in a thousand different hyperactive directions. So I didn’t question it. I was too busy trying not to let my own raging emotions get in the way.

It was so hard for me to even think the word _gay_ , but it wouldn’t leave my mind. My stomach turned every time I remembered Jordan telling me that’s what I must be. As much as it pained me to admit it, I could understand why he would think that. But people have cyber sex for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with them really wanting to have sex that way or with that person. And yet… if I hadn’t seen something in that him that I trusted, something that made me comfortable with him for company, such as it was, I wouldn’t have done it. 

No matter how much time I spent thinking about all of it, it still didn’t make sense in my mind. So I shoved all those thoughts aside and tried to go on about my life the same as I did before Jordan waltzed into it like he owned the place. 

After a little more than a week had passed, I finally felt like I was getting back to normal, or as close to normal as I ever am. I went to work, I came home, I sometimes went to the garage to actually paint. The one thing I didn’t do was go online to talk to Jordan. And for a while, things seemed to be going just fine.

Of course Kate just had to fuck things up, although I’m sure she would have said the problem is me. In her eyes, it seemed every problem was me. I came home late from the studio, as I often did, and she was right there at the door, ready to complain about my dirty socks on the floor. Then she complained that I wasn’t there to help her cook dinner, even though she usually banned me from the kitchen for all of our safety, anyway. Then I wasn’t paying enough attention to the kids, even though I’m quite sure Shepherd was happy sitting on the couch watching me play the new Stars Wars game while Junia was off in her own little world in her playpen.

At some point, I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to see red and I just exploded at her. Angry words flowed from my mouth without any sort of thought. But Kate fired right back with her own. Once we run out of insults for each other, we went our own separate ways and sulked. We didn’t speak for the rest of the evening, which was a nice break. By the time the kids were asleep and we were both ready for bed, we’d had enough time apart to calm down a little. 

We both knew what was next. It was a running joke that our favorite kind of sex was make up sex, but it wasn't not really a joke. The truth is that it was practically the _only_ kind of sex we had. We fought, then we fucked, then we went back to sort of existing in the same space until the next fight. It was a pattern I don’t think either of us knew how to break.

Except, something _did_ break the pattern. Kate even wore her favorite matching underwear set, really trying to impress me. But it just… didn’t. My anger and frustration with her was still just below the surface, just barely obscuring my frustration with myself for what happened with Jordan. It all added up to me being… well, soft. Limp as can be. Nothing Kate did, not her hands or her mouth, could elicit a reaction out of me. 

Finally, she gave up and rolled over, huffing loudly. I knew we would fight about this again, but she was exhausted enough from the evening’s fight not to press it, I guess. Soon she was fast asleep, but I was still wide awake, my mind and stomach both turning. I couldn’t lay there and brood about this all by myself. I just couldn’t.

There was no one I could turn to. Except for one person, and I highly doubted he would listen to me after everything I had said. But I had to hope.

|  Taylor

A week had gone by since I’d heard from Sam, and I’d given up hope of talking to him again. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure if I would even want to. I had enough stress in my life without having to deal with his baggage, and it seemed like he had plenty to spare. I went online every night, blatantly ignoring the tiny shard of disappointment I felt at his ‘offline’ status. It didn’t matter, I told myself. I didn’t want to talk to him anyway.

I convinced myself that the weight on my chest every day was normal, or at least had nothing to do with him. I refused to admit that I’d let him affect me. Who was he to me? No one important; a name online, without even a face to match. We’d talked, we’d gotten off, no big deal. So what if he’d gotten me to be more honest with myself than I’d been in over a decade?

So when I saw his name flash, I swallowed down the irrational gasp of hope, bit my cheek to stop from smiling. I waited, watching; when I received his message, my hands hovered over the keys. He didn’t deserve a response. I was stronger than that. And yet… a short moment later, I closed my eyes briefly, sending my reluctant reply.   
  
---|---  
  
 

peregrin2201: jordan… are you there?  
peregrin2201: please… please talk to me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hello  
peregrin2201: i was afraid you would ignore me…  
peregrin2201: wouldn’t blame you if you did  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: now why would you think that  
peregrin2201: because of how i ended our last conversation  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh? i don’t really remember…  
peregrin2201: i dunno if you noticed, but i was a douchebag….  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: is that so  
peregrin2201: yeah, it is  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
peregrin2201: i told you in the beginning, i have a way of really putting my foot in my mouth  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you weren’t the only one  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i shouldn’t have assumed anything  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s none of my business  
peregrin2201: i shouldn’t drag you into my problems… like i have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, everyone’s got problems  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just forget it  
peregrin2201: are you sure?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what’s said is said  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doesn’t matter  
peregrin2201: okay…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how are you, sam  
peregrin2201: not so good, to be honest, but you don’t need to deal with my shit…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* look… i’m still here  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay?  
peregrin2201: i know…  
peregrin2201: it’s just the same old shit with my wife, i guess  
peregrin2201: not much new about this fight  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
peregrin2201: not your fault  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, i know how much it hurts to have someone you thought cared about you treat you like dirt  
peregrin2201: yeah… that pretty much sums it up  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so what happened  
peregrin2201: like i said, same shit, different day… but it was like tonight, all her little complaints about me just piled up and up..  
peregrin2201: everything she ever nagged me for  
peregrin2201: all in one night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sounds like she really loves you  
peregrin2201: no, it really doesn’t, does it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, you would know better than me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wouldn’t you?  
peregrin2201: you’d think so… sometimes i’m not so sure  
peregrin2201: at least she still wants my body… apparently…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
peregrin2201: although she has a strange way of showing it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?  
peregrin2201: well, from the way she nagged me about eating too much, needing to go work out, etc, i kinda have to wonder…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: people like that are usually just projecting their own unhealthy self-image issues  
peregrin2201: but once we go to bed, she’s singing a different tune. acting all sweet.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well of course she’s sweet when she’s trying to get into your pants  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s how it works, isn’t it?  
peregrin2201: she’s got nothing to worry about, though. i mean, the shadow of my ass weighs more than her.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ugh, one of THOSE…  
peregrin2201: those?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a twig  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: with the body of a twelve year old  
peregrin2201: well… you said it. not me.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: probably jealous that you’ve got more curves than she’ll ever have  
peregrin2201: i’m not sure i’m supposed to have “curves…”  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: in the right places  
peregrin2201: i can’t really be the judge of that…  
peregrin2201: but if you say so  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know what happens when you let other people be the judge of how you look?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: THEY JUDGE HOW YOU LOOK  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just a tip  
peregrin2201: well… yeah, i suppose  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no offense but are you ever sure about anything?  
peregrin2201: apparently not…  
peregrin2201: it’s not just my looks though… it’s everything. everything i did tonight was wrong, according to her.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can see why you gave up some of the most formative years of your life to be with her… -_-  
peregrin2201: well, i didn’t really see it that way  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hindsight’s always 20/20  
peregrin2201: she was there for me… she wanted to be with me, or at least it seemed that way… i didn’t really see a downside  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know the old saying, “if it looks to good to be true…”?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, why did you IM me  
peregrin2201: because i didn’t know who else to talk to about this…  
peregrin2201: no one else would listen or understand  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
peregrin2201: i’m just so alone here…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know the feeling  
peregrin2201: and that’s why you’re the person i came to. because i knew you’d get it.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and here i am…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and yes, i do get it  
peregrin2201: thank you for putting up with me  
peregrin2201: i don’t deserve it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smirk* i didn’t say that…  
peregrin2201: yeah, but it’s how i feel  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep sigh* if i give you a hug, will you freak out?  
peregrin2201: i’ll try not to…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just a hug…  
peregrin2201: i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i promise not to rape you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: much  
peregrin2201: it’s not you… it’s just me. that sounds lame, but…  
peregrin2201: just a little rape, then?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it has been a while  
peregrin2201: yeah, tell me about it…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you into a manly, totally non-gay hug*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a little pent up, eh?  
peregrin2201: something like that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rubs your back slowly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wife not doing it for ya?  
peregrin2201: you could say that…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaches up to stroke your hair*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: kind of… frustrated?  
peregrin2201: you could definitly say that  
peregrin2201: i mean, it’s not like i didn’t want to… with her…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …?  
peregrin2201: nevermind… just forget it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …but?  
peregrin2201: it’s… nevermind  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why aren’t you with your wife?  
peregrin2201: well, she’s asleep now…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: uh huh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: let me rephrase  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why aren’t you screwing your wife?  
peregrin2201: because…  
peregrin2201: god i don’t even know what happened  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
peregrin2201: i just… couldn’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you couldn’t… what?  
peregrin2201: you’re really gonna make me spell it out, aren’t you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m not psychic, you know…  
peregrin2201: yeah but you know what I’m saying…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really? and how would i know that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because as i clearly just stated  
peregrin2201: i think you know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: IM NOT PSYCHIC  
peregrin2201: please don’t get mad at me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fine, don’t tell me, it doesn’t matter to me  
peregrin2201: jesus, fine. i couldn’t get it up for her, okay?  
peregrin2201: my own damn wife and i was fucking soft as can be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m… sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really i am  
peregrin2201: yeah, okay…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what?  
peregrin2201: not your fault, again  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe you just weren’t in the mood  
peregrin2201: i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you usually have a hard time?  
peregrin2201: it’s hard to be in the mood after hours if her nagging  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no pun intended…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i suppose that’s one explanation…  
peregrin2201: maybe sometimes it takes a while. like i said, our sex life isn’t really that exciting anyway  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so maybe she’s just a bad lay  
peregrin2201: i suppose that’s possible  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: which you would know, if you had played the field and had someone to compare her to  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just saying  
peregrin2201: she wanted to wait, so we waited  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rolls eyes*  
peregrin2201: looking back, possibly not the best decision  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm, you think?  
peregrin2201: it seemed kind of wise, at the time. we were both pretty scared of… if she got pregnant…  
peregrin2201: like you said, we were young  
peregrin2201: we weren’t ready…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s why they make condoms, sweetie  
peregrin2201: yeah well those don’t always work, do they?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: erm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: touche  
peregrin2201: sorry, that was kind of a low blow  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: meh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m used to those  
peregrin2201: heh  
peregrin2201: Sorry…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
peregrin2201: my dirty mind strikes again  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not what i meant, but yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so… anything else you wanted to get off your chest?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: since we’ve got nothing better to do  
peregrin2201: you don’t really want to sit here and listen to be bitch about my wife  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you seem like you could use an ear  
peregrin2201: And how apparently she doesn’t even turn me on anymore  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m… withholding comments on that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but you might as well talk  
peregrin2201: i just don’t know what happened…  
peregrin2201: well, i do know. nothing happened.  
peregrin2201: not for lack of trying, but…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well you said she was laying into you all night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doesn’t exactly set the mood for romance  
peregrin2201: yeah, she was  
peregrin2201: the make up sex is usually the only time it’s really exciting though  
peregrin2201: half the time i think that’s the only reason we pick fights  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: gee, that sounds healthy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sorry  
peregrin2201: well, it seemed to work for us…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but not anymore?  
peregrin2201: not tonight  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you had an off night  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s not like this is a common occurrence, right?  
peregrin2201: not… really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don’t sound so sure (shocker)  
peregrin2201: It’s been a while though, since either of us even tried  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …how long is a while  
peregrin2201: umm… a few weeks?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: JESUS  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: a few WEEKS?  
peregrin2201: yeah…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hell, even me and my wife have sex at least once a week…  
peregrin2201: but is it good?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, it’s not bad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ve had better  
peregrin2201: nothing to write home about?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …especially recently  
peregrin2201: take it or leave it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you could say that  
peregrin2201: you must be married to my wife’s twin  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m just not as into chicks as you are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (supposedly)  
peregrin2201: speaking of low blows…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that was uncalled for  
peregrin2201: it’s okay…  
peregrin2201: i deserve worse than that after I was such a douche to you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i don’t totall agree with that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess i partly earned it  
peregrin2201: let’s just forget about that conversation, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, i guess we could do that  
peregrin2201: i think we should  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: alright  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: consider it forgotten  
peregrin2201: okay good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: where does that leave us?  
peregrin2201: i don’t know…  
peregrin2201: that’s kind of my mantra, if you hadn’t noticed  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i noticed -_-  
peregrin2201: i’m just… frustrated  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *raises eyebrow*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that so?  
peregrin2201: yeah…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that must… suck  
peregrin2201: and i don’t know anyone else who can help me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i see  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i’m here, if you need me…  
peregrin2201: i mean, its not like i don’t still want… umm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: want what?  
peregrin2201: sex…. just cause i couldn’t get it up for her…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i see  
peregrin2201: i’ve missed you, you know…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you have?  
peregrin2201: yes  
peregrin2201: i have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush* i guess…  
peregrin2201: i missed… talking to you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: me too…  
peregrin2201: and maybe not just the talking…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well…  
peregrin2201: you know what i mean  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i missed it too…  
peregrin2201: do you think we could…  
peregrin2201: try it again?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …i don’t know…  
peregrin2201: please  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
peregrin2201: if you don’t want to… it’s fine  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well… i’d be lying if i said i hadn’t thought about it  
peregrin2201: i can always go take a long shower… all alone…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh trying to guilt trip me?  
peregrin2201: depends. is it working?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …maybe  
peregrin2201: dont you want me, jordan?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: erm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: damn it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know i do…  
peregrin2201: and i want you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you sure?  
peregrin2201: yes… please, I need this…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: prove it  
peregrin2201: *grabs you by your hair and pulls you close, crushing my lips against yours* please, jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hair in one hand, your shirt in the other, kissing you back hungrily*  
peregrin2201: do you believe me now?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes  
peregrin2201: *purrs* mmm, good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your neck, pulling on your hair*  
peregrin2201: oh fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like that?  
peregrin2201: i love it when you pull my hair  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls your hair harder, yanking your head to the side, biting down on your neck*  
peregrin2201: *moans* oh fuck, jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pushes my hips against yours*  
peregrin2201: fuck… i’m so hard already…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yeah?  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grinds my hips against you, one hand squeezing your ass*  
peregrin2201: *grabs your hand and places it on my dick* see?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm *squeezes you through your jeans*  
peregrin2201: fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts stroking you while sucking on your neck*  
peregrin2201: *growls* fuck… please don’t tease me… not tonight  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you need it, don’t you  
peregrin2201: god yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *unzips your jeans, pulling them down*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: boxers?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites your neck hard*  
peregrin2201: yeah, boxer briefs this time…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay *pushes them down and out of the way, grabbing you roughly*  
peregrin2201: oh, fuck.. *moans*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *yanks your hair again* you like when i do this?  
peregrin2201: god, jordan…  
peregrin2201: yes, i fucking love it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *drops to my knees, taking you all in one gulp*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how bout that?  
peregrin2201: FUCK  
peregrin2201: jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *staring up at you as i suck your cock*  
peregrin2201: *rocks my hips forward, trying to fuck your mouth*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds one of my hands up to you, brushing my fingers against your lips*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: “suck”  
peregrin2201: *takes your hand by the wrist, sucking your finger into my mouth and licking it greedily*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmf  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good boy  
peregrin2201: mmm…  
peregrin2201: please, jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stands up, pushing you to the bed* on your knees  
peregrin2201: *obeys, getting on all fours for you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, such a good boy tonight  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kneels behind you, running my hands over your thighs, up to your ass*  
peregrin2201: if i wasn’t good, would you have to punish me?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, does someone want to be punished?  
peregrin2201: fuck… not tonight… tonight i just need you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stands up, unzipping my jeans and stripping  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: get over here  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stroking myself as I pull on your hair*  
peregrin2201: *crawls toward you* yes…?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *yanks your head towards my cock, slapping it against your lips*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: suck me  
peregrin2201: *wraps my lips around your cock, taking as much of it as I can*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s it *grabs your hair with both hands, forcing myself down your throat*  
peregrin2201: mmm… fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you can talk, you’re not sucking *reaches back and slaps your ass hard*  
peregrin2201: *moans around your cock, sucking as hard as i can*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good boy *rubs your back as i thrust into you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shoves you off of me*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: turn around  
peregrin2201: fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smacks your ass harder*  
peregrin2201: *obeys, bracing myself*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pushes one finger all the way in*  
peregrin2201: oh god… jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like that sam?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts pumping in and out*  
peregrin2201: yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *adds a second finger, stretching you, while reaching up and pulling your hair*  
peregrin2201: *moans* god, jordan… feels so good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i want you to finger yourself  
peregrin2201: oh god…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you?  
peregrin2201: fuck, jordan. yes.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *adds a third digit, twisting my hand with every thrust*  
peregrin2201: *growls* oh… god…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want it?  
peregrin2201: yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me  
peregrin2201: i want you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pushes even harder*  
peregrin2201: fuck me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want me more than your wife?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *curls my fingers up*  
peregrin2201: fuck… yes…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what was that?  
peregrin2201: *digs my fingernails into the sheets*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *curls fingers again, hitting your prostate*  
peregrin2201: god, jordan… fuck, you’re so much better than my wife. want you so much.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls my fingers out, replacing them with my cock, shoving it all in at once*  
peregrin2201: OH FUCK  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
peregrin2201: *screams aloud, arching my back*  
peregrin2201: god… fuck, jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hair like reins with one hand, smacking your ass with the other as i start to thrust into you*  
peregrin2201: oh god… tou feel so good, jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck… you too  
peregrin2201: *growls*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *fucks you harder, slapping your ass until you’re red*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me again  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: who do you need  
peregrin2201: you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what was that?  
peregrin2201: i need you, jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *yanks your hair*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hips, nails digging in as i drill you*  
peregrin2201: *whimpers* god… you’re driving me fucking crazy here…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you love it when i fuck you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don’t you  
peregrin2201: god yes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *rakes my nails down your back*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you need me  
peregrin2201: *moans* yes…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *angles my hips, aiming for just the right spot*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no one makes you feel this good, do they  
peregrin2201: no… no one ever has… fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not even your wife  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hits your prostate*  
peregrin2201: fuck… jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you gonna come for me sam?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hits your spot again, and again*  
peregrin2201: yes… gonna come so hard for you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck, me too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want me to fill you up?  
peregrin2201: yess *reaches down and grabs my dick, trying to match your pace*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulling your hair*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re mine  
peregrin2201: god… come inside of me, jordan… please…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slamming into you, probably bruising your hips*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shit  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam  
peregrin2201: god…  
peregrin2201: fuck  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slams into you one last time, shooting into your ass*  
peregrin2201: so good  
peregrin2201: fuck  
peregrin2201: *strokes my dick harder, comes just a few seconds after you* god, jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep breath as i pull out, collapsing to the bed*  
peregrin2201: fuck…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think… we both needed that  
peregrin2201: i know i did  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: things seeming a bit more clear?  
peregrin2201: you mean…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know what i mean  
peregrin2201: jordan, i’m just…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do i really need to remind you?  
peregrin2201: really messed up right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well let me enlighten you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: peregrin2201: fuck… not tonight… tonight i just need you…  
peregrin2201: please  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh wait  
peregrin2201: don’t throw my words back at me again  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it gets better  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: peregrin2201: god, jordan… fuck, you’re so much better than my wife. want you so much.  
peregrin2201: i know what i said, okay?  
peregrin2201: please stop  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m not doing anything  
peregrin2201: i know what i fucking said  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then you should know what that means  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m just stating the obvious, baby  
peregrin2201: you think I like admitting all of that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you haven’t admitted ANYTHING sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: other than apparently you like to use people  
peregrin2201: i just… can’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: can’t what  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: let me guess…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don’t know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or, you’re not sure  
peregrin2201: i can’t change everything i thought i knew about myself  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…. i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can see how unhappy you are  
peregrin2201: i know how this all looks…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want to know how it looks to me?  
peregrin2201: probably not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it looks to me like you have such am amazing heart, that you longed to be loved with everything you had  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and that caused you to jump into the first serious relationship that came your way, without giving yourself a chance to really explore who you are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and now, you’re being faced to come to terms with that lost chance  
peregrin2201: you keep calling me amazing… i’m just not. You’re wrong.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m wrong about a lot of things but not that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh sam… *pulls you close, holding you*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we both got dealt a shitty hand  
peregrin2201: if you’re right about all the rest of it, then I’m a fucking fraud and a liar and…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you before you can continue*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *strokes your cheek gently, looking into your beautiful brown eyes*  
peregrin2201: you know I’m right though… that’s what i would be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* nobody’s perfect  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i… wasn’t entirely honest  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i was…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but my intentions weren’t exactly pure  
peregrin2201: what do you mean?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wanted to push you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: to get you to admit to what you wouldn’t admit  
peregrin2201: why?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you need to be honest with yourself sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s the only way you have a chance at being happy and if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you  
peregrin2201: i was doing alright without you here, “pushing” me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, obviously you weren’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, you didn’t exactly seem like you were ready to admit to being gay  
peregrin2201: i could have been fine…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fine, maybe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but not happy  
peregrin2201: i still don’t know if I can… say it…  
peregrin2201: it would change everything, jordan. everything.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it wouldn’t change who you are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and isn’t that what matters?  
peregrin2201: my marriage, my kids, my reputation…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: marriage – doesn’t sound that healthy to begin with  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: kids – won’t affect them  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: reputation – those that matter won’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter  
peregrin2201: none of its that simple  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what makes you so special that everything hangs on your sexual orientation, hm?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re not ashamed are you?  
peregrin2201: it’s just not. you’ve just gotta understand, my reputation matters a lot  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really? you don’t seem the type to put weight in reputation  
peregrin2201: gee, let’s see. i couldn’t get it up for my wife so i had cyber sex with some guy i’ve never met.  
peregrin2201: can’t see anything there to be ashamed of  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well fuck, i don’t know what you’re thinking  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and its not like you have to tell people HOW you figured it out  
peregrin2201: i don’t know either… i’m so fucking confused right now…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can see that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: can you at least, for now, admit it to yourself?  
peregrin2201: and my reputation does matter… if shouldn’t but it does  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that you’re at least not 100% straight?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it would be a start  
peregrin2201: i can admit that much…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, is there anyone in your life, anyone at all, you would feel safe telling?  
peregrin2201: its still scary as hell  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know it is  
peregrin2201: no… only you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me, i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, at least you know there’s one person in the world who knows, and doesn’t care  
peregrin2201: i mean, my family… i can’t tell them…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not anyone?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know what that’s like  
peregrin2201: i don’t think so… most of them are… very religious  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can relate to that too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m one to talk… very few people know about me and none of them are related to me  
peregrin2201: you’re the only person who knows about me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i feel honored  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: now don’t you feel a tiny bit better?  
peregrin2201: i dunno if it’s an honor to share in my emotional breakdown, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *strokes your cheek gently*  
peregrin2201: i feel a lot of things… better might be one of them  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah? what else?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *strokes your hair, kissing your cheek*  
peregrin2201: confused, scared, a little disgusted with myself, to be honest  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: disgusted? why?  
peregrin2201: not because i’m… but because if how it’s all happening  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah  
peregrin2201: i don’t mean because of you, either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm…  
peregrin2201: just… i feel like such a fraud.  
peregrin2201: like i’m hurting or could hurt so many people  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, you didn’t lie intentionally  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mostly  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how else do you feel?  
peregrin2201: i know but I’m still a liar…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your nose, looking into your eyes*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we all make mistakes  
peregrin2201: umm… oddly relieved, although that may just be the afterglow talking haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think it’s more than just the afterglow  
peregrin2201: like everything makes more and less sense all at the same time  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nuzzles nose against yours*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know the feeling…  
peregrin2201: *giggles* so affectionate…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *barely brushes my lips against yours*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: is that a bad thing?  
peregrin2201: no, not really… it’s cute  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
peregrin2201: you’re cute  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: especially when you blush  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *trailing my fingers up and down your chest*  
peregrin2201: Mmm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nuzzles your neck* sam…  
peregrin2201: yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how do you feel now?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looking into your eyes*  
peregrin2201: scared, but… kinda okay.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?  
peregrin2201: yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites lip nervously*  
peregrin2201: what is it?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: what?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *presses my forehead against yours lightly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m… glad that you came back  
peregrin2201: i’m glad i did too…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushing my cheek against yours*  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry i freaked out on you before  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: all is forgiven…  
peregrin2201: you sure?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm *laces my fingers with yours*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: very sure  
peregrin2201: good… that’s one more weight off my chest…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holding our hands between us*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it means a lot that you’re still here  
peregrin2201: i really am so glad you’re still willing to listen to me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course i am  
peregrin2201: even if you did kinda turn my world upside down, and then i treated you like shit for it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, like i said, all is forgiven  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m still here and so are you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your nose again*  
peregrin2201: and I’m not going anywhere  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really?  
peregrin2201: really  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaches up to touch your face*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: keep talking like that and  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: yeah? and what?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *breathing against your lips*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think you know…  
peregrin2201: i’m not psychic either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh touche…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for all my advice, there’s still some things i have a hard time admitting…  
peregrin2201: i won’t force you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know you won’t  
peregrin2201: it kinda sucks being forced, even if it has to happen…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ouch  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i told you i was sorry…  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry  
peregrin2201: i didn’t mean it like that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i believe you  
peregrin2201: i’m just saying, apparently i needed someone to drag me kicking and screaming from my closet  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know… some things are better left unsaid  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your eyelids*  
peregrin2201: okay, if that’s how you feel  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know…  
peregrin2201: say whatever you want, or don’t. i won’t push you.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you really are amazing, sam  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: have you ever wanted to say something  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: NEEDED to say something, so bad it hurts  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but you’re too scared of the repercussions  
peregrin2201: i… i guess i have  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you try to wager what’ll happen  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: whether it’ll be worth the risk  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, stroking your hair*  
peregrin2201: *purrs*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh, i love when you purr…  
peregrin2201: if you’re not ready to say whatever it is, that’s okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think… maybe i might be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your shoulder, your neck, your ear*  
peregrin2201: mmm… how is it that you know all the right spots?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just trying the spots i like  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: they say… when two people are… compatible… they’ll have the same tastes  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: in that respect, anyway  
peregrin2201: interesting…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like they were made to please each other… *nips at your earlobe*  
peregrin2201: you are pretty pleasing… heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so are you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nuzzling your cheek, kissing your jaw*  
peregrin2201: mmm… don’t tell me you’re ready for round two?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh, no…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like this  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nuzzling against your cheek, looking in your eyes*  
peregrin2201: good.. i don’t think I can handle that again tonight, haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s nice to find someone who doesn’t mind… this  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *snuggles closer to you*  
peregrin2201: this?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this… *kissing your cheek*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like this… *kissing your nose  
peregrin2201: what, laying here and letting you kiss me? how could i mind that?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
peregrin2201: yes?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: aww, you’re killing me with all this blushing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i may be…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushes my lips against yours, sharing your breath*  
peregrin2201: mmm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: falling…  
peregrin2201: jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for you  
peregrin2201: umm…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your lips*  
peregrin2201: jordan, i… i don’t know what to say…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh, speechless again?  
peregrin2201: yeah…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re cute when you’re flustered…  
peregrin2201: i just don’t know…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hugs you closer, pulling you in for another kiss*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, what’s not to know?  
peregrin2201: jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, sam?  
peregrin2201: you know I think you’re really amazing, right?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: but i’m… this is all so fucking new to me, jordan  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thats okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m not going anywhere  
peregrin2201: i’m not saying I want to stop again  
peregrin2201: not saying that at all  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …but  
peregrin2201: i just… i need to figure myself out.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just  
peregrin2201: i’m so confused, you know that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god…  
peregrin2201: i know…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god  
peregrin2201: please don’t be upset  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how could…  
peregrin2201: i’m not going anywhere either, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no, i just..  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you have ANY idea  
peregrin2201: any idea what?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what it took for me to  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god…  
peregrin2201: yeah, i think i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no you don’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just made a complete idiot of myself  
peregrin2201: you might recall that i’m kinda going through this little crisis over the fact that i’m fucking gay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah yeah  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: except that i already knew you were  
peregrin2201: yeah well i didn’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well thats not my fault is it  
peregrin2201: no and i didn’t say it was  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god i feel so stupid…  
peregrin2201: but can you understand that i’m freaking out anyway? i can barely even say that… and then you…  
peregrin2201: please don’t feel stupid  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why shouldnt i  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: give me one good reason why i shouldn’t feel like a total moron  
peregrin2201: you can’t help what you feel  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah but i didnt have to broadcast it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck…  
peregrin2201: look, I am the last person with any right to judge people for putting their feet in their mouths  
peregrin2201: i don’t think you’re a moron  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well what DO you think of me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: actually  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i probably don’t want to know  
peregrin2201: i think you’re amazing and so sweet, way sweeter than I deserve, and you make me feel so good  
peregrin2201: and so… safe  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don’t make this harder than it already is  
peregrin2201: but jordan, this is all happening really fast  
peregrin2201: it doesnt have to be hard  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m not asking for a commitment here  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: in case you forgot, i’m technically taken too  
peregrin2201: i know, but you said…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: said what  
peregrin2201: that you were… falling for me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …it doesn’t mean anything  
peregrin2201: jordan…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, it’s just talking… just online  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s not like its real  
peregrin2201: don’t say that…  
peregrin2201: please  
peregrin2201: i was wrong, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no, you weren’t  
peregrin2201: yes, i was  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i let myself get too wrapped up in it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s not real, it doesn’t matter  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s just…  
peregrin2201: it is real, jordan.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what is  
peregrin2201: you made me realize that i’m gay. how is that not real?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay so THAT was real…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but the rest…  
peregrin2201: so why can’t your feelings be real?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because…  
peregrin2201: because why?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just because  
peregrin2201: that’s not a reason  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because it hurts too much, damn it  
peregrin2201: why does it hurt?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why the fuck do you think?  
peregrin2201: i really don’t know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because you don’t feel the same  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
peregrin2201: i’m not telling you to fuck off. i’m not trying to let you down easy, either.  
peregrin2201: i don’t know WHAT i feel right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god damn it sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why did you have to make me say it…  
peregrin2201: because i’m an idiot and i didn’t know what you were going to say  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really  
peregrin2201: jordan, i do… really like you. i do. i don’t want to lose whatever this is we’ve got.  
peregrin2201: i mean that.  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you really had no clue?  
peregrin2201: i sort of suspected but i didn’t know you were gonna say it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that’s my luck for me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the one time i open up…  
peregrin2201: please please don’t beat yourself up over this  
peregrin2201: you didn’t do anything wrong  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes i did  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i got too wrapped up in the fantasy  
peregrin2201: i’m still here, aren’t I?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because you’re too nice  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don’t want people to get hurt  
peregrin2201: i’m really not  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well it’s too late to take it back…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thank you so very much  
peregrin2201: i’m here because I care about you and i’m not letting that scare me away, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i need to think  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this is…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think you were right  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we both got in over our heads  
peregrin2201: no i wasn’t  
peregrin2201: maybe we did but i don’t wanna go back  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you sure are stubborn…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s… cute  
peregrin2201: i’ve been known to be cute haha  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you will NOT make me smile  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pout*  
peregrin2201: no? i’m not cute?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nope  
peregrin2201: not as cute as you when you pout…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not gonna let you get to me… *crosses arms*  
peregrin2201: i thought i already had?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grumble* so you’re gonna tease me about it now?  
peregrin2201: i’m sorry  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
peregrin2201: you’re kinda cute when you’re angry…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites lip, trying not to smile*  
peregrin2201: aww  
peregrin2201: *kisses your cheek* come on, turn that frown upside down…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blushing, but turning face away*  
peregrin2201: okay, have it your way… *kisses the side of your face and neck*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *clenching fists, biting back a whimper*  
peregrin2201: *grabs your fists and forced them open, threading my fingers through yours*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *turns to look you in the eyes, giving what i hope is an intimidating stare*  
peregrin2201: it’s not :p  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know… you shouldn’t stick that out unless you intend to use it…  
peregrin2201: heh…  
peregrin2201: If I do that, we could be hear all night…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
peregrin2201: which isn’t necessarily a bad thing  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i never said i forgave you yet…  
peregrin2201: forgave me?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pout*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you made me say stuff… and i didnt wanna…  
peregrin2201: you made me say stuff too  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah… but…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay…  
peregrin2201: i know it’s not exactly the same  
peregrin2201: and you don’t have to apologize to me for that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks up at you with sad eyes*  
peregrin2201: i gotta… come to terms with a lot of shit, you know?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah…  
peregrin2201: and you really are helping me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’m glad i can be helpful…  
peregrin2201: but it’s just so comfy in my closet…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh well maybe if you’re not willing to come out  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe you’d at least like some company? *hopeful pout*  
peregrin2201: there’s definitely room for two  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *tiny smile*  
peregrin2201: i wish…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …what?  
peregrin2201: i wish i wasn’t going to sleep on the couch.., alone… tonight  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you want  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you could… imagine me there  
peregrin2201: not that the couch is big enough for both of us anyway…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
peregrin2201: we’ll have to get pretty cozy…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t think that would be a problem   
peregrin2201: me either  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so we maybe… take things slow?  
peregrin2201: i think that’s a good idea  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but… that does imply more than friendship…  
peregrin2201: i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you okay with that?  
peregrin2201: i think… i’m really gonna try  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i didn’t mean earlier  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: when i said it isn’t real  
peregrin2201: i know  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s kind of sad  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this… you… my… feelings for you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: feel more real than any “real” relationship i’ve had  
peregrin2201: i know… all of this is more real than anything else i’ve ever been through  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ll, um… i’ll try to keep… my feelings… in check  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know this is new for you  
peregrin2201: just don’t feel like you have to lie or anything, okay?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay  
peregrin2201: be yourself with me, please  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ll try  
peregrin2201: and i’ll be myself, for like the first time ever, i guess  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, i have to ask  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i know i’m going to regret it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but it’ll kill me if i don’t  
peregrin2201: then ask…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you think…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like, could you see…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god why is this so hard  
peregrin2201: some things just are  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you see any chance in the distant future of maybe… feeling the same?  
peregrin2201: I think….  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hides*  
peregrin2201: maybe?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …really?  
peregrin2201: jordan, the future looks really scary to me right now  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: at least you’re not alone  
peregrin2201: but the one good thing i’ve got.., is you  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don’t know what to say :’)  
peregrin2201: you don’t have to say anything  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: kiss me?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please?  
peregrin2201: of course  
peregrin2201: *touches your cheek softly and presses my lips to yours*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes adoringly*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so tender…  
peregrin2201: i can be sweet when i wanna be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wonder where you learned that from…  
peregrin2201:iI have a pretty good teacher… i’ve learned a lot from him…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sounds like you really respect him…  
peregrin2201: i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope he deserves it… i doubt it  
peregrin2201: i think he does  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sounds like he means a lot to you  
peregrin2201: he does…  
peregrin2201: you know that  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *touches my lips to yours*  
peregrin2201: do you think… we can both sleep a little easier now?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: …i think so  
peregrin2201: and we’ll talk tomorrow? you won’t run away?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i won’t run away  
peregrin2201: because if so, i’ll stay up all night and force you to keep talking  
peregrin2201: don’t think i won’t  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh don’t tease… i might hold you to that  
peregrin2201: it would be nicer than my bed on the couch…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tempting… but i don’t need to cause any more problems for you  
peregrin2201: don’t worry about me…  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: can’t help it  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we always worry about the people we  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*  
peregrin2201: i’ll just imagine you’re beside me… an the couch will be fine  
peregrin2201: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i’ll be picturing you by my side as well  
peregrin2201: goodnight, jordan…   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: goodnight, sam…   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

Whatever I expected when I went back to Jordan, it was definitely wasn’t… that.

I was gay. I was fucking gay.

I should have seen this coming, especially when he tried to tell me. All the signs were there, and I just refused to look at them. I didn’t know what love was when I decided it was what I felt for Kate. I didn’t give myself time to try anything else, not even when I found my fantasies occasionally occupied by other men. I told myself that meant nothing. I lied to myself for so long that I didn’t even remember the lie anymore.

Jordan changed that. He forced me to confront everything head on. That was why I ran back to him, after all. Because I knew he would. And if he didn’t, I was pretty sure I could still convince him to give me what I was beginning to realize that Kate just couldn’t.

Then he said… he was _falling_ for me. In the middle of my own emotional breakdown, it hadn’t even occurred to me to consider his feelings. Of course I had thought that it meant more to him than it did to me, but I didn’t realize it meant that much. The thing was, it was beginning to mean hell of a lot to me. He had listened to me, been there for me, and opened my eyes to the truth.

It was a scary truth. No, it was a terrifying truth. But with him there for me, maybe I could face it. Maybe I could even feel the same way. 

|  **Taylor**

I took a long, shaky breath. I hadn’t expected to ever hear from him again. And yet, he’d come back. But what a night… My head and heart were still reeling from the emotional whiplash. I was proud of him, for finally admitting his true feelings to himself. And yet, I was more embarrassed than I’d ever been in my life. How could I have thought it was okay to admit something like that? What had I really expected?

And yet, he wasn’t leaving. He had promised to talk to me again. He’d tried to cheer me up, to make me feel better. He’d even said he could see himself feeling the same way… maybe. A slow smile crept across my lips… he said he cared about me. He said he likes me. The smile turned into a grin, as I re-read our chat. He was tender, and sweet, and gentle. He even said he’d be willing to try…

Try what, exactly?

My smile faltered, then fell. Try what? A… relationship? We were both married men. My breathing grew shallow, my lips parting slightly as realization dawned on me. We were both married. Taken. Nothing could come of this. Ever. I shook my head slightly, trying to silence the voice in my head, but I knew it was the truth.

What was I doing? I was getting emotionally involved with someone I could never have. I probably wouldn’t even get the chance to meet them face to face. What was I _doing_? I sat back, rubbing my tired eyes. I started to wonder if it had been a mistake, the whole thing. I needed time to think; time away from Sam. I needed to clear my head, to distance myself. I was wrapped up in the passion of the moment, the romantic sweet-talk. I needed time to come back to reality.

The next night, I opened my laptop as usual; but as soon as I saw Sam’s username, I immediately closed it again, not even bothering to check my emails. After a few minutes, I opened it back up, but quickly signed out of my instant messenger. I felt a weight on my chest, but I ignored it, doing what I needed to and heading to bed.

The following night was the same; Sam was on, but I avoided him. Work the next day was slow, giving me far too much time to think. I replayed our chats in my mind, my heart swaying between resolve, and regret, and back again. Another two days went by the same way, the dull ache not lessening as I’d hoped, but growing. 

I was moody, on edge, easily upset. No amount of coffee could awaken my senses, and no amount of work could distract me from my thoughts. I worried people would start noticing, start asking questions about my increasingly perpetual bad mood. My responses grew shorter, snippier. I got a couple of not-so-nice looks from Ike, but luckily Zac seemed to be off in his own little world.   
  
---|---


	5. Chapter 5

**Zac**

Days went by and still I didn’t hear from Jordan again. It was on my mind all the time, even when I should have been concentrating on rehearsing. I kept racking my brain, trying to figure out what I’ve said or done to anger Jordan, and I kept coming up empty. I knew he was unhappy with himself for revealing his feelings for me, but I thought I smoothed that over pretty well. But he was still ignoring me.

I thought maybe it was just a fluke, or some strange coincidence, when I signed online and he immediately signed off. But even when he came back, he didn’t talk to me. It wasn’t a fluke, though. He was ignoring me. After the third message I sent him went unanswered, I was sure of it.

Just when I thought I was figuring things out, even if only in my own mind, the one person who knew about my struggle abandoned me. I needed him. If he knew that, if he really understood that, how could he just leave me? Did he even mean what he had said? Maybe it was just a game to him after all.

“Zac, you’re late,” Taylor said, heaving a frustrated sigh. “Again.”

“Oh, I am?” I replied. I had hardly even noticed. It was impossible to concentrate on playing when I could only think of Jordan. But I couldn’t very well tell Taylor that, could I?

“No, I was kidding,” Taylor huffed. “Of course! Pay attention, would you?”

“Fine, whatever,” I replied. I just want Taylor to shut up. If he kept talking, I didn’t know how long I would be able to listen before I started screaming about exactly why I was distracted.

“I don’t know what’s up with you lately, but you need to get it together.”

I twirled my drumsticks absent-mindedly, hoping to look casual. I didn’t know if I stood any chance of convincing him that nothing was wrong, but I had to try. “Nothing’s up with me.”

“Right,” he replied. “That’s why we’ve had to restart this song five times already.”

Isaac sighed. Great, I thought. Now he’s going to jump onto me, too. My patience with the two of them was wearing dangerously thin. When that happened, I was not a pleasant person to be around. We often joked about my short fuse, but the jokes held a great deal of truth. It took a lot for me to lash out physically, but it only took a small push to bring out the smartass remarks. I could feel one of those remarks threatening to come out, and I did nothing to stop it. “Did you consider the possibility that you’re actually early?”

“Considering that I started the same time Ike did? No,” Taylor replied. “And also the little fact that I wrote this part. So I think I would know.”

“Maybe Ike’s early, too,” I said, grasping at straws. I knew my argument didn’t hold water, but it was too easy to just keep arguing with Taylor. I knew exactly how to get under his skin and he knew exactly how to get under mine.

Taylor rubbed his temples, a sure sign that I was getting to him. “Jesus, Zac. Not today. Just get the damn part right.”

He walked back to his keyboard, his shoulders tense as he counted us in. Even though I knew it was possibly the worst thing I could do, I couldn’t stop myself from coming in just a few seconds early. Taylor and Isaac both stopped and turned to stare at me.

“Damn it, Zac,” Taylor said. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Making up for lost time?” I replied, grinning. It was just too easy to mess with him. I knew that as long as I could keep making jokes and being a pest, I could ignore all of the doubt and turmoil in my mind. Being a smartass was absolutely my best defense strategy.

“Oh, ha ha,” Taylor said, his face completely serious. “Let’s all drop what we’re doing to laugh at Zac’s joke. So very funny. I really don’t want to be here all day, Zac.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not the only one,” I admitted. It was too close to the truth and I instantly regretted letting my guard down even that tiny bit. “It might go faster if you didn’t bitch about every goddamn thing I do.”

“Well, the sooner you get it right, the sooner we can leave,” he pointed out.

He was right and I didn’t like it. In fact, I hated when Taylor was right. But I couldn’t really argue with it. I growled. “I’m fucking trying, okay? Get off my back.”

“Really?” He asked. “If that’s you trying, I’d hate to see when you’re not.”

“Guys, come on,” Isaac cut in, trying to be the voice of reason. Usually, he was the difficult one who caused the majority our fights in the studio. But Taylor and I had a way of fighting that made everyone within a five mile radius duck and cover, even before the fists started flying.

“Ike, can you tell Taylor to pull the stick out of his ass? Please?”

“That’s right, shove your problems onto someone else. Like always. God, do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?”

“Well, right now, my problem is, in fact, you,” I pointed out. I didn’t know why Taylor was making this so personal. So I screwed up the timing on a song. If he would just drop it, then I could drop it, too. But as long as he kept pushing, I would keep pushing back. It was a never ending cycle with the two of us. “Are we even talking about the music anymore, or is it just pick on Zac day?”

“Oh boy, here we go,” Taylor replied. “Poor Zac. Everyone’s always on his case. Poor fucking baby.”

If he even had any clue… but no. He couldn’t have a clue. I couldn’t let him, or anyone else, know. I tensed up, trying to push aside my first emotional reaction to that, and growled, “Don’t you fucking dare call me a baby.”

“Or what? You’re acting like one.”

“And you’re acting like a fucking bitch,” I replied. It wasn’t one of my better comebacks, but it was easy to fall back onto comments like that with Taylor. The easiest way to get under his skin was to imply that he was a girl, especially when he was already being so over-dramatic.

“I don’t have time for this shit,” he replied, hand on his hip in true Taylor form.

“Neither do I.”

“Can we please just finish the fucking song?”

“If you would shut up.”

“Oh my god, Zac,” he replied, turning swiftly back to his keyboard.

He began playing without warning, hammering at the keys as though they were what had offended him. I had no choice but to try to follow along, even though I was certain he was playing the song too fast this time. The pace was too fast for me, though, and it wasn’t long before I lost the rhythm entirely and a drumstick went flying out of my hand.

“That’s it. Fuck it,” I growled, throwing the other drumstick at the wall as well.

Taylor slammed his hands down on the keys. “What now?”

“I’m just fucking done,” I replied. My shoulders were shaking horribly, and I didn’t know whether I was going to punch something or cry. What I did know was that I needed to leave before either one of those things happened. “Whatever, finish the song without me.”

Taylor growled. “Zachary Walker Hanson. I swear to fucking god.”

I stood up. “What?”

“If you don’t sit your ass down,” he said, “and do the fucking part.”

Was that a threat? Taylor knew I didn’t take well to threats. Some stupid macho instinct in me took over whenever I was told what to do and what not to do, and I lost all rational control of myself. I stood my ground and asked, “You’ll what?”

Taylor didn’t reply. He turned away from me, growling and punching a wall. It was such a ridiculous, over the top reaction – the kind I would have expected from myself, not him. I was almost stunned, but not enough to keep from firing off my mouth again with yet another smartass comment. “You punch like a girl.”

 

**Taylor**

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so furious. My hand was throbbing, our wall had a lovely new hole, and Zac was standing there, with that self-righteous smirk. My fists were clenched white-knuckled at my sides as I stared him down, my entire body shaking.

“See? You can’t even tell me I’m wrong.” What little restraint I’d managed was torn away as I lashed out, my right fist connecting solidly with his jaw. He stumbled back, swearing loudly and grabbing his face.

“Did that feel like a fucking girl punch?” My voice held so much rage I barely recognized it, but Zac barely blinked.

“You really wanna know?” My eyes widened even further. How could he be such an unbelievable dick?

“At least I’m fucking doing something, instead of doing nothing,” I spat. “Because that’s what you do best, isn’t it? Roll over, like a fucking dog?”

“Don’t even start. You have no idea what I do or don’t do,” Zac shot back. I sneered, something my wife had told me coming to mind.

“Oh I’ve heard plenty about what you don’t do.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Zac’s high-and-mighty smirk finally fell into a scowl, as he began to shake, and I felt a sick pleasure.

“You know how close Kate and Nat are.” It was true; nothing was secret between those two, and both Zac and I knew it.

“You’re just talking shit now.” Zac tried to appear calm as he called my bluff, but I knew better.

“I think you know exactly what I mean.” 

“No. No.” Zac growled, trying to intimidate me, but it wasn’t working this time.

“What’s the matter? Afraid the ‘chick’ of the band is still more of a man than you?”

“Just… don’t,” Zac warned, stepping up to me. “Fucking. Shut. Up,” he growled, punctuating each word with a shove. I shoved him back throwing another punch; he was about to retaliate, when Isaac ran over, pushing us apart.

“Stay out of this, Ike. It’s none of your business. Either of yours,” Zac growled.

“Yeah, well you made it our business when you turned the day into a Zac pity party.” My words were harsh, and I started to regret them, but the mood I was in wouldn’t let me calm down. I wiped at my lip, feeling blood, and the uncontrollable, if somewhat irrational, fire inside me burned hotter.

“Just stop fucking saying that,” Zac hissed, still a bit breathless.

“Poor Zaccy,” I went on, my tone mocking. “Poor baby. Let’s all weep for poor, poor Zac.” Inside, I was screaming at myself to stop, before things got out of hand, but I couldn’t. Something in me had snapped, and now everything in me wanted to lash out.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” Zac growled again.

“Grow the fuck up,” I spat, shoving him again. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ike shake his head and walk away. 

“I’m fucking grown up,” Zac muttered; I felt some of the fight leave me finally, as I took a few deep breaths.

“Whatever. Some of us have work to do.” I shook my head, going over to my laptop and sitting down heavily. I felt suddenly exhausted, all the pain and soreness from our scuffle catching up with me, all at once. I watched Zac in my peripheral, walking away and pulling out his phone. I felt bad about getting out of control like that, but I wasn’t forgiving him. I logged online, and just when I thought my mood couldn’t get worse…

 

 **peregrin2201:** jordan…

 

I sat there, chewing my lip. I’d been avoiding this, but it was getting harder and harder.

 

 **peregrin2201:** please talk to me

 

My resolve was weakening; I missed him terribly, and right then I needed someone to talk to. Someone who cared, who would understand.

 

 **peregrin2201:** jordan… i miss you…

 

My hand trembled, my cursor hovering over the button to reply… But no. Before I could talk myself out of it, I logged out, closing my laptop. Giving in now would only lead to worse heartache later on. This was for the best, for both of us. That’s what I tried to tell myself, over and over, as I bit back tears that stung and burned.

I got to my feet, half-screaming as I punched the wall again, harder than before. It just wasn’t fucking fair. Zac walked in, looking as forlorn as I felt, and guilt washed over me.

“Zac,” I started, my voice surprisingly weak.

“What now,” he said in a low growl, obviously still angry. I wiped my eyes tiredly, trying to hide the evidence of my near-breakdown.

“Nothing… just forget it. I can’t… I can’t do this right now.” I hung my head, feeling so unbelievably tired.

“Damn, I didn’t know I beat you up that bad,” Zac joked. I glared at him, but there was no heat behind it, and it quickly faded.

“Jesus, I was kidding.”

“Whatever,” I sighed, walking back to my keyboard and sitting down. I poked half-heartedly at the keys for a moment.

“Oh, you’re not talking now?” Why was Zac still trying to pick a fight? I just didn’t have the energy anymore.

“Zac… I can’t deal with this right now.” I couldn’t, not with any of it. Zac, Sam… it was too much. I wiped my eyes again, packing my things and starting to leave.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Zac spat. I froze in the doorway, but shook my head when Zac stayed silent, pushing the door open. I heard the sound of something being knocked over, or kicked, but I let the door close behind me without looking back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Zac**

I couldn’t focus at all during rehearsal, no matter how much I tried. All I could think about was Jordan and how I wished I knew how to fix things between us. When I started to really fall behind, Taylor’s patience wore thin more quickly than I’d ever seen. And of course, I couldn’t help pushing his buttons. But he pushed right back. Every sarcastic comment I threw at him was met with an insult designed to hit me in all my weak spots. 

Well, maybe not all of them. But he still knew more of them than I expected. I knew it was a low blow to call him a girl, but I didn’t expect what he said in return. Okay, maybe it shouldn’t have surprised me that Kate and Natalie gossiped about our sex life. But it did. It didn’t enrage me, as it might have just a few weeks ago, before I understood the reason why I hadn’t been able to perform. 

No, I wasn’t angry, even though my fists still flew. I was just… defeated. Everything was going wrong and the one thing I had hoped I could cling to in the storm–Jordan–was gone. Once Isaac pulled us apart, I sneaked into another room to sign online via my phone, but my messages went unanswered again. 

That night, I ignored Kate completely, not even bothering to give her an excuse before I stalked off to the garage with my laptop to give it one last try. I knew just one more blow would knock me out, but I had to give it all I had. I had to get Jordan back. 

|    
**Taylor**

I settled into my office chair, rubbing my eyes before staring at the computer screen. Today had been… well, it hadn’t been good. I hadn’t meant to snap at Zac; we weren’t even fighting about anything, really. But I was so on edge, that all it took was little push to set me off. And then, if that hadn’t been enough, I’d logged on for five minutes, and there was Sam. I’d almost broken. He said he missed me. But I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right, starting something I knew neither one of us could ever really see through. 

I cried. I went out to my car, and I cried. I cried for everything I’d ever given up, and for everything I wasn’t allowed to hope for. I cried until I couldn’t cry any more, until my eyes burned and my chest heaved. And when my tears finally ran out, I took a few deep breaths, wiped my eyes, and drove home. 

Home… This wasn’t the life I wanted, but it was the life I had. I walked in on Natalie cooking dinner, and stood in the doorway watching her. She really was lovely. I made a decision, to try to appreciate what I had. So what if I wasn’t entirely happy? So were millions of other people. But I could make do, and I could make her happy. She deserved that much, at least. 

I was a model husband, helping with dinner, the kids, cleaning up, and even cuddling on the couch before bedtime. As we were laying down, she turned to me, touching my cheek. She told me how much she appreciated everything I’d sacrificed for her happiness. Then, she tilted her head, and asked if I ever kept any for myself; I couldn’t answer. She kissed my cheek and rolled over, but all I could do was lay there, staring at the ceiling. 

She was right; I bent over backwards to please everyone else. When did I get my turn? When did I get to be happy? And then, I realized, I had my chance. Sam. So, I dragged my feet to my office, dropped into my chair, and opened my laptop with shaking hands. Maybe I was setting myself up for heartbreak. But right then, I couldn’t help thinking a little bit of happiness was better than a lifetime without.   
  
---|---  
  
 

  
peregrin2201: jordan   
peregrin2201: answer me, please.   
peregrin2201: look, i'm really sorry if you're upset with me... can we please just talk?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hi sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm... not upset with you   
peregrin2201: hi :-D   
peregrin2201: i was beginning to think you wouldn't ever reply   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've just...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've had a lot on my mind   
peregrin2201: i know how that feels   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how are you   
peregrin2201: i've been better   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what's wrong   
peregrin2201: just... frustrated with people   
peregrin2201: i don't really want to talk about it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...okay   
peregrin2201: let's just say, some people just know how to push my buttons in all the wrong ways   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: your wife again?   
peregrin2201: among others, yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry   
peregrin2201: it's not your fault   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not so sure...   
peregrin2201: it's not, i promise   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you say so...   
peregrin2201: what about you? how have you been?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've been... here   
peregrin2201: you've been somewhere...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like i said   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i had a lot on my mind. i just needed some time to think   
peregrin2201: do you want to talk about it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's nothing   
peregrin2201: it's not nothing   
peregrin2201: you wouldn't have stayed away so long if it was nothing   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: stayed away?   
peregrin2201: from me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... i was busy   
peregrin2201: is that really the only reason?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why shouldn't it be?   
peregrin2201: well, you said you were thinking. then you said you were busy. so which is it? or is it both?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *frustrated sigh*   
peregrin2201: i just want you to tell me what's wrong   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's nothing you can fix, sam. please, just forget it   
peregrin2201: it might help just to talk about it, though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me, it won't   
peregrin2201: please, jordan. just talk to me.   
peregrin2201: even if i can't fix it, i want to know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why do you care   
peregrin2201: why wouldn't i care?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because you don't know me, and i don't know you, remember?   
peregrin2201: you know a lot more about me than most people do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, because i dragged it out of you, kicking and screaming...   
peregrin2201: and i was so damn happy before that? it's not gonna make my life easier, true. but i'm. glad i know.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well... i'm glad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i really am   
peregrin2201: you mean that?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... you deserve to at least know yourself   
peregrin2201: and you deserve to be happy, but i can tell you're not right now   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah well, par for the course...   
peregrin2201: do you think we can try for "less miserable?"   
peregrin2201: if not happy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: you're laughing now. that's a start.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess   
peregrin2201: i like making you laugh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, you're one of the few people that can, lately   
peregrin2201: aww, now i feel special   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you are, you know   
peregrin2201: well, you are too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
peregrin2201: and i like making you blush even more than i like making you laugh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smirk*   
peregrin2201: not quite smiling yet, but we're getting there   
peregrin2201: now, you wanna tell me what's wrong or should i just keep showering you with compliments?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* it's just...   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry... i didn't mean to kill the almost good mood   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't be sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you didn't   
peregrin2201: okay if you say so   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just something my wife said to me today   
peregrin2201: something bad?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no, actually not   
peregrin2201: then why are you upset about it? if it was good?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well its complicated   
peregrin2201: i'm familiar with complicated things   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i was in kind of a bad mood when i got home today, but i tried to turn it around   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: helped with dinner, spent time with the kids, even watched a movie w/ her   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but then, she said something to me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: something about how i've given up my happiness for hers, and how i don't keep any for myself   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and... it just got me thinking, is all   
peregrin2201: well, i think she's right   
peregrin2201: i did just say you deserve to be happy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not saying i don't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's just, i don't like to do things half-assed   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if i do something, if i put my heart   
peregrin2201: i think that's a great quality   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... but it makes things... complicated   
peregrin2201: are you talking about... us?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: us?   
peregrin2201: yes. us. you know what i mean.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do i?   
peregrin2201: look, i don't know what else to call it... like everything else, it's complicated.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... i guess... that's part of it, maybe   
peregrin2201: part of what? what you were upset about?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just didn't want to set myself up for...   
peregrin2201: for what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* i was just having a hard time seeing the point   
peregrin2201: well i don't know about you, but my life honestly would not be the same without you in it. and it's still a mess, just in a different way, but i wouldn't change it.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you wouldn't?   
peregrin2201: no, i really wouldn't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but...   
peregrin2201: but what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, we can't even...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what happened to it just being words on a screen?   
peregrin2201: i was wrong about that   
peregrin2201: it's not just words   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it has to be   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: WE can't   
peregrin2201: well, just because it's only words, that doesn't mean it's meaningless   
peregrin2201: why can't we? are we not allowed to be happy?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we would just end up getting hurt in the end, sam   
peregrin2201: i think... i think i'm willing to take that risk   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... are you saying...   
peregrin2201: what does it sound like i'm saying?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know   
peregrin2201: i'm saying... i mean, we can't really be "together," i guess, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but thats just it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we can't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so... why start something we can never finish?   
peregrin2201: so we should be nothing at all?   
peregrin2201: maybe someday we can. you never know.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't be ridiculous   
peregrin2201: but i'm so good at it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're not going to leave your wife for someone you met online   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i... i can't...   
peregrin2201: i'm not asking you to leave your wife, okay?   
peregrin2201: i'm just asking you not to give up on... whatever it is we've got.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: damn it, sam...   
peregrin2201: what did i do now?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why couldn't you just let it be... it was getting easier   
peregrin2201: because i'm a stubborn motherfucker   
peregrin2201: it wasn't getting easier for me, and i don't think it really was for you either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: why are you doing this...   
peregrin2201: because i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you...?   
peregrin2201: i don't want this to end. i refuse to accept that. you make me so happy, jordan. i don't wanna go back to what my life was before you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i... don't either   
peregrin2201: then don't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: dammit...   
peregrin2201: i know it's not simple, but... it doesn't have to be that complicated   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess... not..   
peregrin2201: i told you i wasn't going anywhere. and i meant that. it hasn't been just words on a screen to me for a long time, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it hasn't... for me either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but you knew that, heh...   
peregrin2201: i do know that. i just wish you would quit fighting it.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep sigh*   
peregrin2201: please, jordan. just let this happen. let it... let us... be whatever we're gonna be   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
peregrin2201: jordan, please just stop fighting this... stop fighting me... *reaches out and brushes my hand across your cheek gently*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *biting my lip*   
peregrin2201: *runs my finger across your lip* jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blinking back a tear*   
peregrin2201: *cups your chin my hand, kisses your lips softly* please...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... *wrapping my arms around you, kissing you back*   
peregrin2201: *relaxes into your arms, slipping my hands into your hair*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god i've missed you, sam   
peregrin2201: i've missed you too. so much.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *tangling my hands in your hair, hugging you tightly, hiding my face in your shoulder as a few tears roll down my cheeks*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i tried so hard   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i just couldn't...   
peregrin2201: *rubs your back gently* i know, i know   
peregrin2201: i tried to fight it, too, you know   
peregrin2201: and look where i am now   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes, stroking your hair* i'm so sorry   
peregrin2201: you don't have to apologize, because i understand... i really do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nodding, kissing your neck* i know you do   
peregrin2201: *purrs* god, missed that too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh really?   
peregrin2201: yup   
peregrin2201: but i missed everything about you, not just your body :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i missed you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: everything about you   
peregrin2201: even the fact that i'm a douchebag?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha surprisingly, yes   
peregrin2201: it is one of my better qualities, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i miss you making me laugh   
peregrin2201: well, that's good. because i miss making you laugh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-D   
peregrin2201: i miss you being so much smarter than me. well, except for recently :-P but that's okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: smarter? where'd you get that idea?   
peregrin2201: you're just... thoughtful. i don't think things through or try to understand what's going on around me.. or with me.   
peregrin2201: but you do. and you make me actually think about shit.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, well... that's not always a good thing   
peregrin2201: well i think it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even after what happened?   
peregrin2201: after what happened?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: after i dragged you kicking and screaming from your closet that you didnt even know you were in   
peregrin2201: i told you. it might complicated a lot of things, but i'm glad i know.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and even after i made a complete ass of myself?   
peregrin2201: i am in no position to judge anyone else for being an ass. even though i don't think you were at all.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... you were BARELY able to admit to being gay, and i confessed to   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well you know *blush*   
peregrin2201: i'm not gonna lie, it did freak me out   
peregrin2201: but... you can't help what you feel. no one can help what they feel.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* i guess not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it was still embarrassing as hell though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: still is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and, i'm sorry for freaking you out   
peregrin2201: you don't have to be sorry, or embarrassed   
peregrin2201: please stop beating yourself up for this   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for you   
peregrin2201: okay :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so...   
peregrin2201: so, let's just try to get all that shit off your mind, okay?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, i want you to tell me something   
peregrin2201: okay   
peregrin2201: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: something you've never told anyone   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (besides the fact that you're gay)   
peregrin2201: damn, you beat me to it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
peregrin2201: umm... hmm. you always put me on the spot with these questions   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just want to know you better   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: is that so wrong?   
peregrin2201: no, it isn't   
peregrin2201: well... everyone thinks i'm really religious, but.... i'm really just doing it for my wife. maybe i used to be serious about it, but lately i just... i don't know.   
peregrin2201: losing my faith, i guess?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm... sorry   
peregrin2201: i mean, i still believe... it's just the church and everything that goes along with it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i understand   
peregrin2201: i keep sleeping in on sundays anyway, so even if no one knows yet, they've probably noticed something is different   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sometimes i wish i didn't have my life   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, the life i lead   
peregrin2201: you mean... you want someone else's life?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not someone else, like not anyone i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love my life, i really do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, once in a while, i wish i could do it over   
peregrin2201: i think i can relate   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: make different choices, you know?   
peregrin2201: yeah   
peregrin2201: i can definitely think of a few different choices i'd like to make   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: me too   
peregrin2201: like, perhaps not marrying the first girl who ever said she loved me.   
peregrin2201: or perhaps not marrying any girl... haha   
peregrin2201: so, okay. now let me ask you a question.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay   
peregrin2201: what's one thing, anything, that you think i should know about you? not necessarily a secret. just any random thing.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think... what i was saying before   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't do anything half-assed   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like i started to say... when i put my heart in, my heart is all in   
peregrin2201: and i really, really admire that about you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you know what i mean?   
peregrin2201: i do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good... because as much as i don't want you to get hurt   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess i can't help guard myself a bit still...   
peregrin2201: i'm a big boy, i can take care of myself :-P   
peregrin2201: i just want you to be happy. and i really hope i can be at least part of what makes you happy.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you already are   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much more than you know   
peregrin2201: i could say the same to you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, stealing your question   
peregrin2201: okay   
peregrin2201: well, i think you've picked up on this, but i can be really insecure... i rarely think anything i do is good enough   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, i've noticed...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and as adorable as it is, i think we need to work on that   
peregrin2201: you may be right   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's been known to happen...   
peregrin2201: i just usually think when people compliment me or my art or whatever, they're just trying to make me feel better   
peregrin2201: they're not sincere   
peregrin2201: but you... what reason do you have not to be sincere? so i believe you.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i'm glad you believe me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but your reasons are a bit... skewed   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you should be proud of your work because it's good   
peregrin2201: and sometimes i am   
peregrin2201: but there are a lot of people who... who i think just try to suck up to me   
peregrin2201: i don't think you have those kind of ulterior motives   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no, i don't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could see some of your work   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure it's beautiful   
peregrin2201: maybe... maybe someday i'll paint something for you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i'd love that ^_^   
peregrin2201: don't say that until you see it, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure it will be beautiful   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like you *kisses your nose*   
peregrin2201: aww *giggles*   
peregrin2201: well, if i could paint a picture of you, then it would definitely be beautiful...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe aww *blush*   
peregrin2201: you blush more than anyone else i know   
peregrin2201: so cute   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... i kind of can't help it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've always blushed a lot   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's... kind of annoying really   
peregrin2201: it doesn't annoy me :-)   
peregrin2201: just makes me wanna kiss your cheeks all the time   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: now that i know that, about you always blushing, my mental image of you got even more adorable   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh man... *blushing harder*   
peregrin2201: hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey i have an idea   
peregrin2201: okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what if...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay well, i don't actually have any pictures of myself on here   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (strange i know)   
peregrin2201: not necessarily strange. depends on how vain you are, i guess   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... i could try to find one online that looks similar   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you could get an idea   
peregrin2201: hmm... okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you wanted...   
peregrin2201: i suppose   
peregrin2201: i could do the same   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay, well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not quite right... but, you can at least get an idea   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: <http://i42.tinypic.com/1z4hfg1.jpg>   
peregrin2201: oh... wow.   
peregrin2201: okay, so my mental picture of you was pretty hot, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not as good as that   
peregrin2201: i'm sure you're just being modest   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but my style is pretty similar   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this one's more like my face   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: <http://i41.tinypic.com/21j6kg1.jpg>   
peregrin2201: seriously, if you're even half that beautiful... and i'm sure you are...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
peregrin2201: okay, umm.. this is the closest i can find   
peregrin2201: <http://i49.tinypic.com/34fijxt.jpg>   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow   
peregrin2201: my hair isn't as dark... and he's definitely better built than me, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um... *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh i have to say, my mind kind of just plummeted...   
peregrin2201: heh, well it can join mine down here in the gutter   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can totally see you wearing that shirt, too   
peregrin2201: yeah, that's why i picked that picture   
peregrin2201: although i don't think i have a gnr shirt...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no? heh maybe i'll get you one   
peregrin2201: alright ;-)   
peregrin2201: hehe... scarves, though? really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...what?   
peregrin2201: heh. nothing.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what?   
peregrin2201: it's a little... girly   
peregrin2201: i'm sure they look good on you though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it is not girly   
peregrin2201: just a little   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: says who   
peregrin2201: probably all the other guys in the world who don't wear scarves.. :-P   
peregrin2201: which... actually doesn't include me.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ha   
peregrin2201: i mean, i have like two.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just two?   
peregrin2201: and they were christmas presents   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i kind of have another reason for wearing them, besides accessorizing   
peregrin2201: what, hiding hickies? :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well... this is going to sound really stupid   
peregrin2201: i'm sure it's not as bad as you think   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ok as dumb as it sounds, my neck is kind of long and, i always thinks it looks weird   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, i try to cover it up   
peregrin2201: i'm sure it doesn't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know...   
peregrin2201: that just means there's more of it for me to kiss... :-)   
peregrin2201: and suck... maybe bite... hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i suppose so   
peregrin2201: anyway, i'm sure you look good, scarf or no scarf. i look like a tool when i wear one.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure you don't   
peregrin2201: if only you knew... haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, well scarves do have an added bonus, though...   
peregrin2201: which is?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're always prepared for some quickie bondage ;-)   
peregrin2201: ooh... hadn't thought of that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh no?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not into the kink?   
peregrin2201: i don't know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, perhaps i'll have to teach you another lesson...   
peregrin2201: i think i'd like that...that would definitely be new   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?   
peregrin2201: well, it sounds good. i just wouldn't know from experience.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, we'll see   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'll just add that to the list   
peregrin2201: you have a list?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...maybe   
peregrin2201: of what?! things you're gonna do to me? haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha perhaps   
peregrin2201: hmm.. interesting...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you mean to tell me there's nothing you wouldn't want to do to me?   
peregrin2201: umm...   
peregrin2201: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smirk*   
peregrin2201: you know i'm so inexperienced...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, you haven't thought of anything? nothing you're dying to do to me?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm a little hurt... ;-)   
peregrin2201: aww haha   
peregrin2201: everything we've done is amazing... and i trust you...   
peregrin2201: you seem to always know how to push my buttons anyway. i don't need to know what i like. you already do. haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i try   
peregrin2201: and you succeed, trust me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do trust you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know that   
peregrin2201: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just... i still can't believe...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: everything you said   
peregrin2201: why not?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not that i don't believe it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it makes me happy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so happy   
peregrin2201: you make me happy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you make me happy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much more than i deserve, i think   
peregrin2201: no   
peregrin2201: you deserve so much happiness   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, whether i deserve it or not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: whether i deserve you or not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm glad i have you   
peregrin2201: jordan, you are the most selfless person i know. and that's amazing, and i want to be like you, but... you still deserve to be happy.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: and you deserve better than me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no, sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't deserve better than you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: there is no better than you   
peregrin2201: okay, now you're just wrong. but... wow. thank you?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think i'm wrong   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not about this   
peregrin2201: there is better than me. i know there is.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doubtful   
peregrin2201: i'm talking to him   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *MAjOR blush*   
peregrin2201: *pinches your cheeks* so precious, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *giggle*   
peregrin2201: oh, you giggle too?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no...   
peregrin2201: you totally do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...i don't know what you're talking about...   
peregrin2201: lies! :-P   
peregrin2201: i bet your laugh is adorable, just like the rest of you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think my cheeks are permanently stained at this point haha   
peregrin2201: if anyone asks, i will totally take the blame, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i'd be proud to tell them whose fault it is   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um...   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?   
peregrin2201: what are you going "um" about?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could tell people...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: about you   
peregrin2201: *sighs* i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: about who makes me so happy   
peregrin2201: i wish i could too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you... you do?   
peregrin2201: yeah, i do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you really mean that, sam?   
peregrin2201: yes   
peregrin2201: i'm not ashamed of you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow   
peregrin2201: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just... that means a lot   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that you would be willing to tell people, if you could   
peregrin2201: i would   
peregrin2201: i really would   
peregrin2201: it's terrifying though... but, i really wish i could   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :' )   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so do i   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even though i'm not exactly sure what it is i would be telling...   
peregrin2201: well...   
peregrin2201: as far as anyone else knows, i'm straight. so that's one thing.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh sam...   
peregrin2201: yes?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish we weren't so complicated...   
peregrin2201: me too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know labels shouldn't matter   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... i can't help wishing...   
peregrin2201: wishing what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ... it's silly   
peregrin2201: i doubt that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh oh no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i remember what happened last time you made me say something *poker face*   
peregrin2201: oh, are you lady gaga now? :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha hell no   
peregrin2201: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we are what we are, right?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: there really isn't any need to define it, is there?   
peregrin2201: well... i suppose not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: right...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not like putting a label on it would make it any more real, right?   
peregrin2201: i guess it wouldn't...   
peregrin2201: but it wouldn't make it less real either, would it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i suppose...   
peregrin2201: it wouldn't really change anything either way...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: right...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, then again it would help make sure we're on the same page   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wouldn't it?   
peregrin2201: that's true   
peregrin2201: we are, aren't we? i think we are...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think so...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but then, if we don't voice it...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, neither one of us is psychic...   
peregrin2201: if we don't voice it, then what? then we can keep pretending it isn't real and run away from it again? and i'm talking about both of us here.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not pretending it isn't real   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: whatever it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it is definitely real   
peregrin2201: i know... i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe... maybe we should... talk about it?   
peregrin2201: it's hard to talk about "it" without saying what "it" is, isn't it? haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, maybe labels arent such a bad thing...   
peregrin2201: maybe not   
peregrin2201: i mean, just found a new one for myself that isn't so bad. hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh true   
peregrin2201: so...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so...   
peregrin2201: so maybe this label would be a good thing too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...maybe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... can i be honest with you?   
peregrin2201: always   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm a little... scared   
peregrin2201: me too   
peregrin2201: but being scared isn't always bad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what are you scared of?   
peregrin2201: honestly, still a little terrified by this whole sexuality thing.   
peregrin2201: and... scared that i can't trust my own feelings. i want to, i really do. but everything is all turned upside down. but still... maybe for the first time ever, i actually can trust my feelings.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm...   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry if i'm not even making sense right now   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you are   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're making a lot of sense, actually..   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
peregrin2201: yes?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what are you feeling?   
peregrin2201: i... umm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you want to know what i'm scared of?   
peregrin2201: yes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm scared of letting myself feel   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm scared of labelling this, because i'm afraid the label i would choose isn't the same one you would   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm scared that it might be too late   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but most of all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm scared of doing anything to lose you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm also scared of what your answer would have been   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or, wouldn't have been if i hadn't chickened out and cut you off   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush* um, you don't have to...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, i don't want to force you to say anything   
peregrin2201: jordan... you're not forcing me   
peregrin2201: i mean, i've been dancing around it all night   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you only just recently accepted your sexuality   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't expect you to...   
peregrin2201: and you were part of the reason why   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
peregrin2201: well what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm just saying   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we said we'd take things slow   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and, i don't want you to feel like you have to rush into anything   
peregrin2201: damn it, i keep trying to get through to you just how much you mean to me...   
peregrin2201: but you still don't get it, do you?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wait   
peregrin2201: why?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: this... this is too fast   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you... you said yourself, you've got a lot on your mind   
peregrin2201: i know what i said, but... i can't stop what's already happened   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what's... happened?   
peregrin2201: i fell for you too   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
peregrin2201: say something   
peregrin2201: please   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what?   
peregrin2201: you um me? :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you   
peregrin2201: yes?   
peregrin2201: i know what i said   
peregrin2201: believe me, i am very very aware of it   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you   
peregrin2201: i what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me again   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you mean what you said   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me again   
peregrin2201: jordan, i love you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
peregrin2201: umm...   
peregrin2201: say something, please   
peregrin2201: while i go find a crow bar to pry my foot out of my mouth   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pounces on you, kissing every part of you i can reach while crying my eyes out like a pathetic bitch*   
peregrin2201: oh, jordan... you are NOT pathetic   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes i am   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i don't care   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you really...   
peregrin2201: i really do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i... i can't believe this   
peregrin2201: i may be just as surprised as you are, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i mean we haven't even known each other that long   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not to sound critical   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... are you sure?   
peregrin2201: i know, but... god, you know more about me than anyone else. really.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: likewise...   
peregrin2201: i'm scared shitless, but... but i am sure.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, i...   
peregrin2201: yes?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
peregrin2201: yes...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god why is this so hard...   
peregrin2201: well, if you're even half as scared as i am...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh i think that might play a role   
peregrin2201: but it's a good scared   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you deserve...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: an answer   
peregrin2201: i didn't ask a question   
peregrin2201: but okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, burying my face in your shoulder*   
peregrin2201: *runs my hands up and down your back*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just so you know, i don't think my cheeks are EVER returning to their normal color again   
peregrin2201: good :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes, my lips barely touching yours*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
peregrin2201: *runs my hands up and down your arms, encouragingly* yes...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep SHAKY breath*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: iloveyou   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you*   
peregrin2201: *smiling, even through the kiss*   
peregrin2201: that wasn't so bad, was it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh... it was terrifying, actually...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm still shaking   
peregrin2201: yeah, okay. it was pretty scary.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do, though   
peregrin2201: i know   
peregrin2201: and you know i love you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i could get used to that heh   
peregrin2201: hehe good   
peregrin2201: i could definitely get used to saying it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yeah?   
peregrin2201: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so...?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smirk*   
peregrin2201: so what? *innocent face*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tease...   
peregrin2201: is that a problem? ;-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your nose, holding you and stroking your hair*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not at all...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: would it be greedy of me to ask to hear it again? *blush*   
peregrin2201: not at all   
peregrin2201: i love you, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you, sam...   
peregrin2201: yeah, i could definitely get used to hearing that too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: so can we stop shitting ourselves about labeling this?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: whatever do you mean? *innocent look*   
peregrin2201: yeah right. i guess those horns are just there to hold up the halo?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, um...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess that would kind of make us...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um..   
peregrin2201: boyfriends? :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shiver*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: is that a good shiver?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes   
peregrin2201: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess that works...   
peregrin2201: you know you're my first boyfriend, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *groan/smile*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you trying to drive me insane?   
peregrin2201: possibly....   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so... we're actually...   
peregrin2201: yeah   
peregrin2201: we are   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: boy...friends...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
peregrin2201: do you not like that word?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: NO   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no thats not it   
peregrin2201: i suppose you could also call us lovers... hehe   
peregrin2201: would that be better? :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well it's just...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're... my first...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: too   
peregrin2201: really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
peregrin2201: wow...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: remember the whole teen pregnancy thing?   
peregrin2201: i just figured... before that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i, uh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wasn't really "out" yet...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess technically i'm still not...   
peregrin2201: can i ask...   
peregrin2201: how did you know?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i've messed around a few times   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: one-time things   
peregrin2201: oh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe one or two friends-with-benefits deals   
peregrin2201: i see...   
peregrin2201: well, i haven't even had that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don't think less of me for that, do you?   
peregrin2201: no, not at all   
peregrin2201: i wish i were... more experienced...   
peregrin2201: probably would have helped me figure this all out sooner... but then again, i'm glad that you helped me figure it out   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh *shy smile*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i am too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i really don't want to have to go...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: especially now   
peregrin2201: me either...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you'll be on tomorrow?   
peregrin2201: of course   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: yes?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i..   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it still feels strange, being able to say it...   
peregrin2201: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm going to be grinning like an idiot tomorrow   
peregrin2201: me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just know it   
peregrin2201: you don't have to be scared anymore though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don't, either   
peregrin2201: you haven't taken away all my fears, yet... but you're getting close   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what are you still afraid of?   
peregrin2201: just... how much has changed and how quickly. but it feels right. it had to change.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you didn't have to say... what you said   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, it was so fast   
peregrin2201: not saying it wouldn't have meant i didn't feel it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wouldn't blame you, if...   
peregrin2201: if what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you wanted to...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: take a step back?   
peregrin2201: i don't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you sure?   
peregrin2201: more sure than i've ever been about anything   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...wow   
peregrin2201: i mean it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you   
peregrin2201: i love you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much   
peregrin2201: yeah   
peregrin2201: exactly   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know what i'll be dreaming of tonight ;-)   
peregrin2201: i don't think i'll be able to dream about anything but you blushing...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i'll be doing plenty of that, i'm sure   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my family is going to wonder what the hell is wrong with me   
peregrin2201: who cares what they think   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not that simple   
peregrin2201: yeah, i know.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and... my wife...   
peregrin2201: *sighs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't mean to kill the mood   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess... the reality is starting to sink in   
peregrin2201: i know it's complicated as hell, i know   
peregrin2201: but can we please.. please.. just try to be happy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: happier than i've been in...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, ever   
peregrin2201: me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we can enjoy what we have, and to hell with the rest of the world   
peregrin2201: exactly   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm in love with my boyfriend :-D   
peregrin2201: what a coincidence   
peregrin2201: i'm in love with mine   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kiss*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i should probably let you go...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: to sleep i mean   
peregrin2201: if you must...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't want to...   
peregrin2201: and i don't wanna go   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i'll bet you have work tomorrow   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: at your mysterious "family business"   
peregrin2201: hehe   
peregrin2201: hey, i never asked what you do, anyway   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're right, you didn't :-P   
peregrin2201: hehe   
peregrin2201: i bet whatever it is, you have to work tomorrow too   
peregrin2201: so we really should let each other go   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... *pout*   
peregrin2201: aww   
peregrin2201: stick that lip out any further and someone's gonna come along and bite it off   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh is that a promise? ;-)   
peregrin2201: maybe...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pout*   
peregrin2201: heh *grabs your face and kisses you, nibbling on your bottom lip*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *gasp* ooh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you back, tangling one hand in your hair, grabbing your ass with the other*   
peregrin2201: mmm, hey there   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes? can i help you?   
peregrin2201: surprise ass grab, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha you complaining?   
peregrin2201: not a bit   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: alright then *squeezes your ass harder*   
peregrin2201: *swats your hand away* we're never gonna get to sleep if we keep this up   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you gonna punish me? ;-)   
peregrin2201: hmm, i thought you were gonna punish me, actually   
peregrin2201: for... something...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: meh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: either way   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can be dom or sub, depending on the mood   
peregrin2201: i... umm... *gulps*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: cat got your tongue?   
peregrin2201: you could say that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you, sucking your tongue into my mouth*   
peregrin2201: oh god, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: did you know, that chemically speaking, there's no such thing as pleasure?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: physical pleasure, i mean   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's the same part of the brain that feels pain...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just depends to what degree   
peregrin2201: i see...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so, all pleasure is really pain...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites your neck*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and all pain... can be pleasure   
peregrin2201: oh god...   
peregrin2201: you uh... sure know a lot about that stuff...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls at your hair*   
peregrin2201: fuck *moans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
peregrin2201: that's umm... wow...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs a fistful of your hair, gripping down to the scalp, pulling your head to the side and biting the muscle of your shoulder*   
peregrin2201: oh god, jordan... *whimpers*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: too bad you need your sleep   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *laps at your wounds*   
peregrin2201: god, you're a fucking tease   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shrug, innocent smile*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you love me anyway   
peregrin2201: yeah, i do...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell you what...   
peregrin2201: say that again   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...say what?   
peregrin2201: just the last part, not the apology   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh... heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: baby?   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i used to call you baby all the time, you know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... i guess it has different meaning now, huh?   
peregrin2201: you did... i forgot   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but now...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're my baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...right?   
peregrin2201: yes   
peregrin2201: i definitely am   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i like that   
peregrin2201: i love it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's... not very manly... :-P   
peregrin2201: yeah well, neither am i   
peregrin2201: except where it counts   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i thought that was me   
peregrin2201: well i'm not too shabby, am i?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: far from it   
peregrin2201: but i still don't have much room to mock your masculinity   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh please   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wear scarves, i blush all the time...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i even have a girly name   
peregrin2201: i giggle   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well... true...   
peregrin2201: and uh... i can sew   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...you can?   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: thats... pretty cool, actually   
peregrin2201: i guess   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's a handy skill to have   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're just full of talent, aren't you?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my voice is kind of high...   
peregrin2201: yeah, mine too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's... strangely hot   
peregrin2201: it is?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
peregrin2201: is there anything about me that you don't find hot? :P   
peregrin2201: :p   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not so far   
peregrin2201: aww   
peregrin2201: well, i could say the same about you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even though i'm kind of a girl?   
peregrin2201: yes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha maybe you're not really gay, you just fell for a guy that's more like a chick   
peregrin2201: a chick couldn't fuck me like you did...   
peregrin2201: i mean. you know.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, true...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hips, grinding them against mine*   
peregrin2201: ugh, god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just checking... ;-)   
peregrin2201: for what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: making sure i still turn you on   
peregrin2201: fuck. always.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you wouldn't think i'm as manly if you could see me now...   
peregrin2201: why?   
peregrin2201: are you wearing a dress right now? because actually... hehe, nevermind   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: grinning like an idiot, doing the "i've got a boyfriend" happy dance   
peregrin2201: awwww   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: HAHA what??   
peregrin2201: just trying to think of how you could be even less manly haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but what was with the "because actually"?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't tell me...   
peregrin2201: haha nothing...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: uh huh... right...   
peregrin2201: just thought that might not look so bad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
peregrin2201: *shrugs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean i've never...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you... really?   
peregrin2201: yeah... me either. sorry. just a random thought.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't be sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you should never have to appologize for something you like   
peregrin2201: kinda doesn't help your theory about me just liking girly men... haha   
peregrin2201: i don't even know what i like... i mean, aside from the obvious.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, we'll just have to try a little bit of everything won't we?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: have you done anything other than vanilla sex?   
peregrin2201: umm... no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no offense but your wife sounds kind of boring   
peregrin2201: well... yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, i'll just have to make my baby all better, won't i?   
peregrin2201: *giggles* yes. yes you will.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: take care of all your needs...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your neck*   
peregrin2201: mmm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nibbles your ear*   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *licks the edge of your ear*   
peregrin2201: are you trying to drive me insane now?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, maybe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: is it working?   
peregrin2201: what do you think?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites you behind your ear*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, i think my baby's getting a little anxious...   
peregrin2201: *whimpers*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moves behind you, moving your hair out of the way to bite the back of your neck, grabbing your hips and pulling you against me*   
peregrin2201: oh, god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we'll have to continue this later, baby...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as much as i hate to stop   
peregrin2201: *whines* jordan.....   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mmm, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grinds against you for a moment before taking a step back*   
peregrin2201: fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'll still be here tomorrow, love...   
peregrin2201: such a tease...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like i said   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you can punish me tomorrow   
peregrin2201: love? i like that one, too.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'll call you anything you want   
peregrin2201: hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as long as i get to call you mine   
peregrin2201: absolutely   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like that...   
peregrin2201: i do too. almost as much as i like calling you mine...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you can call me whatever you like too...   
peregrin2201: you like that?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, i do   
peregrin2201: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: alright...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: get some sleep, my love   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you gently*   
peregrin2201: i will if you will   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh i'll try   
peregrin2201: i'll be thinking about you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'll be thinking of you, too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you... so much more than i should   
peregrin2201: than you should?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: happy thoughts   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kiss*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: love   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kiss*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kiss*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, i'm such a girl...   
peregrin2201: *soft sigh* i love you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *goofy smile*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sweetest dreams, my love   
peregrin2201: *smiles* goodnight, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: goodnight, sam *sad smile*   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

Jordan constantly amazed me with how stubborn and insecure he could be. At times, I thought he even gave me a run for my money. I should have realized why he was upset, though; it wasn’t with me, exactly, it was with our entire situation. That was a frustration I could completely understand. 

In the days I had spent away from him, if you could call it that, I realized that it was useless to fight my feelings for him. They seemed to grow by the minute. Every moment I spent not talking to him, every time he ignored my messages, I felt my heart breaking just a little bit more. I was falling for him, too. It was terrifying, but I couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want to fight it. 

But, god, it was hard to convince Jordan of that. Even when I shut my computer down for the night, I wasn’t sure I had fully won him over. That was okay, though. I was willing to hang in there and be just as stubborn as him. I’d prove to him that I meant it. 

Anyway, I wouldn’t fully admit it to him, but I was scared and doubtful, too. How could I really know I loved him? Just a few weeks ago, not only did I not know him, but I didn’t even know–or at least believe–that I was gay. I didn’t know myself at all; how could I know my feelings? But I had to. I had to trust. Trust, and faith in Jordan, was really all I had. Even though he had been what set my life spiraling out of control, he was also the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart. 

And that’s how I knew that I truly did love him, as crazy as it sounded. 

|  **Taylor**

I had to sit back for a full ten minutes, letting the tears run their course. But this time they were happy tears; I was happier than I could ever remember being. I could hardly believe it, but it was true; I was hopelessly, desperately in love with Sam. And the feelings were mutual. I smiled as I wiped my eyes, drawing a few trembling breaths. 

I couldn’t remember the last time my emotions had run the gamut as quickly as they had the past couple weeks, but it was worth it. Even if it was only online, a thought I tried my hardest not to focus on, I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend. I laughed to myself, feeling like an over-emotional teenage girl. But I didn’t care how ridiculous I looked. For the first time in longer than I could remember, I was happy. Truly, simply, completely happy. 

As I lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt free, almost dizzy with elation. I wondered how far this would go; he lived in Tulsa. It was a terrifying thought, but at the same time, my heart ached, so desperate to look into the eyes of the man I loved, the man who loved me. I sighed heavily, my emotions once again clouding, but I wouldn’t let the doubt and fear overcome the joy. I’d worked too hard, waited too long, to let it slip away.   
  
---|---


	7. Chapter 7

**Zac**

In the weeks that followed, I was happier than I could remember being for a long time. I knew it was wrong to carry on with Jordan behind Kate's back, but I really didn't care. I loved him, and nothing else mattered. In fact, that one simple fact seemed to make everything else better, even if the only people who knew the difference were me and him. 

I still felt bad about lying to him about who I was; I hadn't even given him my real name, after all. I feared that if I did, he would wonder if everything else between us was a lie. I knew that it wasn't, but I didn't know how to make him believe it. Maybe if I could convince him to meet me someday, I could make him believe. But I didn't know when, or even if, he would ever agree to that. For now, though, things were good and I didn't want to make any waves. 

The band was back on tour, doing a few concerts and some promotional stuff, and not even the jet lag could really bring me down. Whatever problems Taylor and I had seemed to have dissipated, too. Being back on the road had a way of helping us get along again, I guess. When we had a day off, everyone went their separate ways to sight see, but all I wanted to see was my laptop screen. 

|    
**Taylor**

Sam and I talked every night over the following couple weeks. Every time, I learned a little more about him, and it made me love him even more. He was sweet, offering support when I had a rough day, making me laugh with his odd sense of humor. And on the nights when we couldn't resist, he was everything I could hope for in a lover. I found it harder to spend nights with my wife and not imagine it was his body, his hands, his lips. 

Things with Natalie seemed to be cooling faster than ever; I wasn't worried about her finding about Sam, though. We'd been growing apart for a while, and now that I was in love with someone else, it made it harder than ever to fake it with her. She seemed to understand though, giving me my space. It was sad, but it felt like things were starting to draw to a close. And as guilty as it made me feel, my mind often wandered to fantasies of being free to be with Sam. 

When the band flew to the Philippines for a few concerts, it was a nice break. I still made sure to talk to Sam every night, though. I wanted to share what I was seeing, wanted him to be there with me. I missed him more than ever as I wandered the city on a day I'd managed to save for myself; I found myself in a small art gallery, longing to see the pieces through his eyes. That night, I could hardly wait to tell him about it as I waited for him to log on.   
  
---|---  
  
 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
peregrin2201: hey :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how was work?   
peregrin2201: it was okay, actually.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's good to hear   
peregrin2201: how about you? how was your day?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it was nice; i had the day off, so i went out   
peregrin2201: sounds like fun :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it was, i went to an art museum.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: made me think of you a lot :-)   
peregrin2201: aww, yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... i wish you could've been there   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i would've loved to talk to you about the paintings i saw, hear your thoughts on them   
peregrin2201: i probably would have sounded dumb. it's not like i've studied art or anything.   
peregrin2201: but it does sound like fun   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: would've been a nice date   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i'm sure you wouldn't have sounded dumb   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you don't have to "study" art to appreciate it   
peregrin2201: i guess that's true...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you are an artist   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you probably would've known more than me   
peregrin2201: you say that now, but you haven't actually seen my art haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could...   
peregrin2201: maybe someday... soon...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you mean it?   
peregrin2201: well... if i can finish it and convince myself it doesn't suck...   
peregrin2201: then i might have a painting to show you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh, baby...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'd love to see it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-D   
peregrin2201: *blushes*   
peregrin2201: well... i'll try to finish it :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't rush on my account   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't wait, i'm so excited now hehe   
peregrin2201: aww   
peregrin2201: i'm glad you're so excited about it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course i am   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure it's beautiful   
peregrin2201: not as beautiful as you... but maybe you'll like it :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure i'll love it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...but not as much as i love you   
peregrin2201: *blushes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i really wished you were here today   
peregrin2201: aww, i wish i had been too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* sam...   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm so glad i have you.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's so nice to have someone i can be totally honest with   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: share my thoughts, my feelings   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: (as girly as that sounds)   
peregrin2201: i don't think it sounds girly   
peregrin2201: cause i feel the same way   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know you can tell me anything right?   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i promise i'll never judge you, or anything   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: all of you   
peregrin2201: i know, and i love you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: im just glad i can be there for you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: doesn't sound like theres anyone else you can really be yourself with...   
peregrin2201: not really, no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, you can always be yourself with me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm just so honored that you trust me that much   
peregrin2201: i do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much it hurts   
peregrin2201: aww :-(   
peregrin2201: i know what you mean, though... i feel the same way...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sometimes i'll see something so simple, and i just want you to be there to experience it with me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like, the way the sun was setting over the city tonight   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the buildings were all this golden color, and it was just so pretty   
peregrin2201: that sounds beautiful...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'd much rather had stared at your face while you took it in, though   
peregrin2201: aww *blushes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just really missed you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you in for a kiss*   
peregrin2201: aww *smiles* i missed you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes for a moment, then kisses you again, harder, my hands tangling in your hair*   
peregrin2201: *purrs* mmm, jordan....   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *biting your lower lip*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *brushing my tongue against your lips, pushing my hips against yours*   
peregrin2201: *moans, opening my mouth to let you deepen the kiss*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moans against your mouth, swirling my tongue with yours, reaching one hand down to grab your ass*   
peregrin2201: fuck, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *running my hands under your shirt over your back, lifting your shirt off*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pushes you hard against a wall, attacking your neck with my mouth*   
peregrin2201: *gasps* jordan... fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulling at your hair, my other hand pinning one of your wrists, biting your neck, grinding my hips against yours*   
peregrin2201: *growls, rolling my hips forward to meet yours*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stepping back, panting trying to catch my breath, looking at you with dark lusty eyes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i need you so fucking bad, sam   
peregrin2201: god, i need you too *grabs your hips and pulls you back to me*   
peregrin2201: please, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moans against you as i grab your wrists, pinning them above your head with one hand, yanking your head to the side again and biting, thrusting my hips against you*   
peregrin2201: *moans* oh fuck yes, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like that?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *squeezes your wrists hard*   
peregrin2201: yeah... i think i do...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *staring at you hungrily, pulling you away from the wall*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i have an idea...   
peregrin2201: okay...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *takes my scarf, stands behind you, grabbing your wrists and pulling them behind your back*   
peregrin2201: *gasps, shaking* oh... oh, i think i like that idea   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, you think?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kissing your shoulder, biting down hard, as I wind the scarf around your wrists, tying it off*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers* now i know why you like wearing scarves...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *chuckles lightly, pulling your head back and biting the side of your neck, reaching around to grip your cock through your jeans*   
peregrin2201: *moans* oh god, jordan....   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stands in front of you, kissing you deeply*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how's that feel?   
peregrin2201: really fucking good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stepping back, peeling off my shirt with shaking hands, stripping out of my jeans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *undoing your jeans, helping you step out of them*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god you're beautiful...   
peregrin2201: *blushes*   
peregrin2201: you are too, baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kissing you deeply before nudging your shoulder down, helping you to your knees*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *gripping a fistful of your hair*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers, nods softly*   
peregrin2201: *leans forward and swirls my tongue around the head of your cock*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *throwing my head back, gripping your hair to the scalp, thrusting my hips a bit*   
peregrin2201: mmm... *moans, takes you into my mouth all at once*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *screams out*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuch!   
peregrin2201: *pulls back and smirks at you* good?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks down at you and growls, yanking your hair, shoving myself back into your mouth   
peregrin2201: *moans, but takes all of you into my mouth, feeling you hit the back of my throat*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck, sam... so good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grabs your hair with both hands, thrusting into your mouth   
peregrin2201: *shudders and moans, letting you fuck my mouth*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looking down at you* god you're so fucking hot sam   
peregrin2201: *looks up at you, still sucking, eyes full of lust*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *my body shaking, staring into your eyes as you suck me almost too much*   
peregrin2201: *pulls back, gasping for breath* jordan...   
peregrin2201: fuck, you're hot   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you to your feet by your hair, kissing you deeply   
peregrin2201: *whimpers*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulling back, tossing you onto the bed on your knees*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shoving your head down, grabbing your hips*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers* fuck, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you want it, sam?   
peregrin2201: god yes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smirks, leaning down and suddenly pressing my tongue to your entrance*   
peregrin2201: *gasps* FUCK   
peregrin2201: jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moaning, licking all around your hole, gripping your hips tightly*   
peregrin2201: oh god... *moans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pressing the tip of my tongue against it, letting it just barely start to slip inside*   
peregrin2201: *gasps* jordan...   
peregrin2201: feels so good...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *continues to lick you, rubbing your back with one hand*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moaning*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam...   
peregrin2201: *moans* jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slipping my tongue inside, further this time, as i reach around to stroke you*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers* oh god... jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulling back* you want more?   
peregrin2201: yes.. please, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shoving my tongue in further, beginning to fuck you with it*   
peregrin2201: fuck... oh god, jordan... *growls*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *the hand on your back dragging my nails down your back*   
peregrin2201: *hisses*   
peregrin2201: so good...   
peregrin2201: fuck   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *keeps moving my hand down, replacing my tongue with two fingers*   
peregrin2201: FUCK   
peregrin2201: jordan   
peregrin2201: *whimpers*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shoving them in all the way as i bite your cheek*   
peregrin2201: oh fuck... jordan... *moans, shaking*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *stops stroking you to rub your back as i pump my fingers in and out*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, so fucking good   
peregrin2201: *moans* fuck... god, you're amazing, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *adding a third finger*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god i can't wait to fuck your ass...   
peregrin2201: oh god...   
peregrin2201: jordan   
peregrin2201: god, i want you to fuck me *whimpers*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls my fingers out, grabs your hips and slams into you all at once*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: FUCK   
peregrin2201: *screams* JORDAN... fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starting to thrust right away, grabbing your tied wrists and pulling them like reins*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god baby... i've needed you so fucking bad   
peregrin2201: oh, god... fuck... jordan   
peregrin2201: *whimpering* feels so good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you upright, one arm across your chest, the other hand stroking you*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so good   
peregrin2201: *moans* jordan....   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *unintentionally puts a hand over your neck*   
peregrin2201: *gasps*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god, sorry...   
peregrin2201: no...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moves hand down   
peregrin2201: no, don't be sorry   
peregrin2201: it just... surprised me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nodding kissing your neck*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: bad surprise? or...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kissing your neck*   
peregrin2201: *shakes my head* no... not bad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...yeah?   
peregrin2201: *whispers* really... really good surprise   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *smirk*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *biting your ear*   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: want me to do it again?   
peregrin2201: *whimpers*   
peregrin2201: yes   
peregrin2201: please   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *places my hand carefully over sams neck*   
peregrin2201: *trembling a little, moans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *presses just a bit*   
peregrin2201: *moans louder*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moans in your ear*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam   
peregrin2201: *gasps* jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starts thrusting again, squeezing more*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like that?   
peregrin2201: oh god... yes...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you like me choking you?   
peregrin2201: fuck   
peregrin2201: yes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *digs my nails into the sides of your neck*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers* jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you want... more?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me when to stop...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *squeezes a bit harder*   
peregrin2201: okay...   
peregrin2201: *moans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam... so fucking hot...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *slamming into you, biting your shoulder as i squeeze your throat*   
peregrin2201: *cries out* jordan... fuck, baby...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moaning loudly* fuck... i know baby, i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *reaching down to stroke you hard*   
peregrin2201: oh, fuck... *growls*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *growls in your ear*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so fucking close already   
peregrin2201: me too   
peregrin2201: fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *growls louder, squeezing harder, my nails digging in*   
peregrin2201: *whimpers, shaking all over* jordan... god, so close, baby...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *whispering in your ear* breath in baby, take a deep breath   
peregrin2201: okay... *breaths deeply*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *waits for you to inhale, then grips your throat twice as hard, pounding into you as i scream your name*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SAM!!!   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck   
peregrin2201: *cries out* fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: shit   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: cumming   
peregrin2201: fuck, me too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *my grip tightens as i fill you up*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fucking fuck   
peregrin2201: *feels you cumming inside me, begins to shake as my own orgasm hits me*   
peregrin2201: fuck, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *thrusts a couple more times before pulling out, and releasing your neck, collapsing and pulling you with me*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck...   
peregrin2201: *gasping for air* jordan... god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *quckly untying your hands and turning you over to face me*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: are you okay baby?   
peregrin2201: *nods quickly* god yes   
peregrin2201: better than okay...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *exhausted laugh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam, that was...   
peregrin2201: incredible?   
peregrin2201: hot as fuck?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh, yea...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *staring into your eyes touching your cheek*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you, sam...   
peregrin2201: *smiles* i love you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *leans closer to gently kiss your lips*   
peregrin2201: *sighs against your lips*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *chuckles softly*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um, sorry bout that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: guess i was a little... eager   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
peregrin2201: heh, you don't need to apologize   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i know it was kind of sudden   
peregrin2201: so? it was fun   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, it was   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love that you're okay with both, though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the romantic and the rawr, heh   
peregrin2201: heh   
peregrin2201: well, that's one way to describe it, i guess   
peregrin2201: as long as it's with you, i like it any way :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: is that so?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
peregrin2201: seems to be the case so far :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: indeed   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: quite the little kinkster   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-P   
peregrin2201: *blushes*   
peregrin2201: i guess i am... who knew...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm i like it   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well like you said   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if its with you, i like it any way   
peregrin2201: aww :-)   
peregrin2201: *sighs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what's wrong, baby?   
peregrin2201: tired... but i don't wanna go :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i don't want to keep you from your sleep   
peregrin2201: i am totally okay with you keeping me from my sleep   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i would be totally okay with that too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if i wasn't about to pass out myself   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
peregrin2201: aww.. well..   
peregrin2201: then i guess we should both go   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we'll talk again   
peregrin2201: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and until then i'll be thinking of your   
peregrin2201: i'll be thinking about you too, jordan :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you so much sam   
peregrin2201: i love you too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: love you more   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
peregrin2201: doubt it :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nu-uh, i totally love u more   
peregrin2201: now you're just being silly   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shrug* you complaining?   
peregrin2201: nope   
peregrin2201: just stating a fact   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hehe   
peregrin2201: *sighs* so... i guess we should go to bed...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sounds like a plan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
peregrin2201: wish it was together   
peregrin2201: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know... me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe...   
peregrin2201: someday?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sure...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe someday...   
peregrin2201: okay :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sweet dreams sam   
peregrin2201: :-)   
peregrin2201: goodnight, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: goodnight love   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

Our conversation that night was all over the place. From sentimental, girly stuff about going to an art gallery together to some really, really hot sex. But somehow, it all made sense. I don't think anyone else could follow my weird train of thought–-or have one just as weird–-except for Jordan. 

I couldn't believe he had almost, kind of agreed to meeting me offline. The thought of it was actually terrifying, but at the same time, I wanted so badly for it to happen. We didn't have to do anything as special as going to an art gallery together. I didn't care what we did. I just wanted him to still love me and want me after he knew who I really was. 

|  **Taylor**

I giggled as I shut down my computer; we were really being ridiculously sappy. But I didn't care. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been so happy, so in love, if I ever had been. I was excited to see some of Sam's artwork, too. Honestly, though, he could draw a stick figure and I'd be happy to see it. 

I sighed heavily. Maybe someday... It hadn't been a promise exactly, but it felt like one, and my stomach twisted in knots. Was it possible? I wanted it to be, more than I'd ever wanted everything. But I couldn't squelch the fear that he wouldn't want me, once he knew who I was. It was a little irrational, I knew, but that didn't seem to matter. 

But for now things were going great. I had Sam, the band was doing well, and everyone seemed happy. Even Zac had calmed down and gone back to his usual self, which made me glad. I still felt guilty about the things I'd said in our last fight, but he seemed over it. Whatever was going on with him, it seemed like a good thing. Life was finally starting to make sense again.   
  
---|---


	8. Chapter 8

**Zac**

With Jordan to talk to every night while we were out of the country, I almost forgot how much I was dreading returning home. But when we got home, I had to face the fact that all the wonderful things Jordan and I talked about were only online. While we were out of the country, I could pretend that I wasn’t married or anything. But back here in Tulsa, in the real world, I couldn’t ignore all of that. I didn’t want to let Jordan in on how depressing that was, though. Things with us were going so well, and I only wanted that to continue. 

As awful as it sounds, it was hard to pretend I had missed Kate while I was gone. Surely soon she would notice that something was different with me. When things were bad with Jordan, it was easy to find some reason to argue with Kate, too. But now that things were good, I couldn’t hide my stupid smile or the way I felt like bouncing off the walls all the time. 

There was one way to hide it-–a way that I knew would only upset Kate even more, but I didn’t care. Normally, I left my pot habit for the road where she couldn’t nag me for it. But after my good mood lead to her nagging and picking at me for no apparent reason other than that I was happy… well, then I really didn’t care that she didn’t want me to smoke at home. With my stash replenished, I settled in to once again talk to Jordan, longing desperately to be back in that fantasy world where it was only me and him. 

|    
**Taylor**

Things were perfect. Better than perfect, even. Every time I talked to Sam, I fell more in love with him. He had a way of seeing things that was at once deep and insightful, and yet playful and light-hearted. He had a sarcastic streak, but not to the point of being cynical. He had such an innocent heart, and it hurt to hear how his wife treated him. I wanted nothing more than just to hold him, and make sure he was never hurt again. 

It was getting harder to keep it online, though. Knowing that he lived in Tulsa, possibly within a few miles, was starting to eat away at my resolve. I was terrified of what would happen when he saw me, but it was getting more difficult to care. So many times I had to stop myself from asking where in Tulsa he lived, for fear that I’d just jump in the car and go. 

I started to wonder if it would really be as bad as I was imagining. I would lay in bed, dreaming up scenarios where we would meet. Sometimes he would leave, as I feared, but more often he either wouldn’t care at all; and at least once, he admitted to having a crush on me. That one had made me smile, the tiny bit of pride I had showing. But every time we talked, when I considered it, I always chickened out. But, like I had told him, maybe someday…   
  
---|---  
  
 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey   
peregrin2201: hey :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how's it going   
peregrin2201: not too shabby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's good   
peregrin2201: how about you?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm... good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i have you to thank for that...   
peregrin2201: aww   
peregrin2201: what a coincidence. because i have you to thank.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
peregrin2201: i am never going to get tired of that blushing   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, it's pretty much a permanent fixture at this point...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm starting to wonder if my cheeks will ever go back to normal again   
peregrin2201: i wouldn't complain if they don't   
peregrin2201: just makes you even more adorable   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush more*   
peregrin2201: hehe   
peregrin2201: pretty sure i'm never gonna get this smile off my face, either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure it's a beautiful smile   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: like the rest of you   
peregrin2201: *blushes*   
peregrin2201: oh look, now we match. haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
peregrin2201: if i'm smiling and blushing, people are probably gonna start to notice...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's too bad that would be a bad thing...   
peregrin2201: yeah, i know...   
peregrin2201: i wish i could tell everyone   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...yeah?   
peregrin2201: yeah, i do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...i do, too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'd be proud to call you my....   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: boyfriend?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah   
peregrin2201: :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that   
peregrin2201: good to know you're not ashamed of me :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: never   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, i don't want you to ever think that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, you don't even know...   
peregrin2201: i was just kidding...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hate that it has to be this way   
peregrin2201: me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not that it would matter...   
peregrin2201: i mean, i can't even tell people that i'm gay...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not anyone?   
peregrin2201: i don't think so   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm so sorry...   
peregrin2201: i guess my wife should know, but... that would tear our little family apart.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
peregrin2201: and my family... i mean, they're all pretty religious   
peregrin2201: and i'm supposed to be the most religious of them all, haha. me and my wife.   
peregrin2201: and friends... well, i dont' really have many of those   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't believe that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: someone as amazing as you?   
peregrin2201: i really don't   
peregrin2201: outside of my family... just a few, and i rarely get to see them   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how come?   
peregrin2201: they don't live nearby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah   
peregrin2201: i'm lucky if i get to travel and see them once or twice a year. one of them comes to visit sometimes.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well that's good   
peregrin2201: i could... probably... tell him   
peregrin2201: maybe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that would be good for you   
peregrin2201: he's pretty open minded   
peregrin2201: we haven't talked for a while though... we're both so busy...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's so hard, keeping something like this a secret   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i would know...   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
peregrin2201: if i did tell him, i might leave out the part where i used to have umm.. dreams... about him. heh.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: would it be bad if i told you i was a little jealous?   
peregrin2201: well i have dreams about you now, so you don't need to be jealous at all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...you do?   
peregrin2201: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
peregrin2201: although to be honest, most of them are pretty tame... just being near you, not necessarily even doing anything...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i like that even better   
peregrin2201: god, we're both chicks, aren't we?   
peregrin2201: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: makes it feel like more than just sex, you know?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
peregrin2201: it is more than just sex   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry, i'm just having a hard time accepting...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, not that i don't believe you   
peregrin2201: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's just   
peregrin2201: i'm just gonna keep reminding you. i don't care if i'm annoying.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god sam, it hasn't even been a month   
peregrin2201: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please don't take the wrong way   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how can you be sure?   
peregrin2201: i don't know... i just am.   
peregrin2201: i know that's a shitty answer   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: its just   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just SO wasn't expecting...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that   
peregrin2201: i mean, you did kinda turn my life upside down. and i tried to fight that, but i just kept... being drawn back to you.   
peregrin2201: that sounds kinda bad   
peregrin2201: but what i mean is, it doesn't feel so much like you just turned it upside down, but that you kinda... fixed it.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even with everything that's happened?   
peregrin2201: yeah   
peregrin2201: it's not even so much that i don't know who else to turn to, but i don't want to turn to anyone else   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...really?   
peregrin2201: really   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you   
peregrin2201: i love you too, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *laughs/sheds a tear*   
peregrin2201: aww *wipes your tear away*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i feel like i can't trust it, but i think that makes me trust it more... if that makes sense?   
peregrin2201: umm... not really. but okay.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's like...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't believe it, so i just believe it's right   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because love doesn't make sense   
peregrin2201: i think i can get that   
peregrin2201: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and so because it doesn't make sense, it has to be love   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ya know?   
peregrin2201: i mean, you're asking me to be logical about this... but i can't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i think love kind of defies logic, don't you?   
peregrin2201: absolutely   
peregrin2201: for all that i really know about love, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i haven't really been in love before either...   
peregrin2201: i'm beginning to doubt that i have   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm kind of happy about it too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: after all, if you loved your wife...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you wouldn't be here with me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *guilty smirk*   
peregrin2201: i remember why i fell in love with her... but it doesn't feel like this. not sure it ever did.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* i just don't know...   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not your fault   
peregrin2201: i know, it just makes me sad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please, don't be sad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds your face, kissing you softly*   
peregrin2201: it just makes me sad that you haven't been happy, that's all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i'm more than happy enough to make up for it now   
peregrin2201: good   
peregrin2201: i'm really glad i can be what... who... makes you happy now   
peregrin2201: hopefully i can do a good job of it, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, you do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so happy   
peregrin2201: :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just hope i can make you half as happy as you make me   
peregrin2201: i really can't even begin to describe how happy you make me   
peregrin2201: even though i tried to fight it and ignore it at first   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but it's okay now   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we're together now, that's all that matters   
peregrin2201: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: "together"   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
peregrin2201: i really am just so grateful that you made me stop ignoring... part of myself   
peregrin2201: i have a funny way of showing that, though. haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ?   
peregrin2201: i mean, i guess i didn't seem grateful at first   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well   
peregrin2201: like, at all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i did drag you kicking and screaming from your closet... that you didn't even know you were in   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
peregrin2201: i may have had some very vague notion of it...   
peregrin2201: i mean, a guy starts to wonder after he has sex dreams about his best friend   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um, well yea...   
peregrin2201: but if said guy is me, he chooses to totally deny it ever happened   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
peregrin2201: i just needed someone who was just as stubborn as me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: erm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah   
peregrin2201: it's a compliment, actually   
peregrin2201: in this particular instance   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you say so   
peregrin2201: i do   
peregrin2201: you know, you're almost as bad at taking compliments as i am   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what can i say...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just don't think i'm that special   
peregrin2201: well, you're just wrong   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well then   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes sir ;-)   
peregrin2201: hehe   
peregrin2201: i think i'd rather you called me "baby" than "sir"...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, i'll call you anything you want, baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as long as i get to call you mine...   
peregrin2201: of course *smiles*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just wish...   
peregrin2201: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just wish i could see you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just once   
peregrin2201: i don't think once would be enough for me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know if you'd say that after you did...   
peregrin2201: why not?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well   
peregrin2201: are you secretly a serial killer or something?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my life is just... complicated   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i doubt you'd want to get involved   
peregrin2201: well, so is mine   
peregrin2201: i kinda already am involved   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think its the same kind of complicated though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and that's not what i meant   
peregrin2201: we're both in the closet and married with kids, so... kinda similar   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: right   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, i guess that's the same...   
peregrin2201: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: what?   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it wouldn't matter though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even if we weren't married...   
peregrin2201: maybe not...   
peregrin2201: i don't know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish we could live here   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: in here, everything is perfect   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: out there...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's just... not   
peregrin2201: the world's a scary place sometimes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: scary and unfair   
peregrin2201: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think knowing where you live makes it even harder, though   
peregrin2201: why?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i mean   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: knowing where you are, having a place i can point to and say "that's where he is"   
peregrin2201: sounds kinda like you're stalking me :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just reminds me that it doesn't matter how close or how far we might be   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha no   
peregrin2201: good. that would be a little creepy, haha   
peregrin2201: what if we were close, though...   
peregrin2201: it wouldn't matter at all?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think it would   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we couldn't...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i couldn't   
peregrin2201: why not?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: complicated   
peregrin2201: you keep saying that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could explain...   
peregrin2201: i wish you could too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i feel awful...   
peregrin2201: don't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you've been so honest with me   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't want you to think i don't trust you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because i do   
peregrin2201: that's not what i thought at all   
peregrin2201: i just wish it was easier... for us to be together...   
peregrin2201: really together   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do too   
peregrin2201: or that we could even if it wasn't easy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... :-(   
peregrin2201: what?   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close*   
peregrin2201: i know i'm not making it easier   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not your fault   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm the one with the screwed up life   
peregrin2201: mine's not so great either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i probably have you beat   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me   
peregrin2201: you never know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: neither do you   
peregrin2201: i guess not   
peregrin2201: i mean, i know it sucks, but...   
peregrin2201: it doesn't change what we've got, does it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess not...   
peregrin2201: well then, stop worrying so much. please.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm trying...   
peregrin2201: such a worrywart... it's kinda cute, though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: i just wish you... wouldn't worry so much.   
peregrin2201: stresses me out haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry   
peregrin2201: it's okay, baby   
peregrin2201: i'm just not good at being stressed, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i really am sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i shouldn't stress you out   
peregrin2201: no, don't say that   
peregrin2201: i just want to fix things, that's all. when i can't fix things, it bothers me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: some things just can't be fixed...   
peregrin2201: i know...   
peregrin2201: doesn't make it any easier to deal with them, though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hugs you*   
peregrin2201: i just wish there was some way we could ignore all the bullshit, you know?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me, i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but that'll never happen   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as much as we may wish otherwise   
peregrin2201: now i'm not liking your stubbornness so much... *pouts*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh baby *kisses you*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i really don't mean to sound so cynical about it...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just don't want you to get your hopes up...   
peregrin2201: i know... but you couldn't disappoint me, you know that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not that i think i would disappoint you   
peregrin2201: good   
peregrin2201: because you wouldn't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not me, but my... life...   
peregrin2201: well, mine wouldn't make it easier either...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the whole "married" thing, huh?   
peregrin2201: yeah... that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... same here...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: among other things...   
peregrin2201: my wife... my kids...   
peregrin2201: *sighs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hugs*   
peregrin2201: *wraps my arms around you* but... i love you so much, i really do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, you know i do too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love how honest you are with me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know you don't have to be, but you are...   
peregrin2201: well, i trust you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: at least, i trust that you are   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm glad you do   
peregrin2201: i am   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because i love you, all of you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the good and the bad   
peregrin2201: i'll never understand why but i'm glad you do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well i'm not perfect either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: far from it   
peregrin2201: i don't believe that for a second   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that i'm not perfect?   
peregrin2201: nope, don't believe it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: i mean it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nobody's perfect   
peregrin2201: well then you're as close as possible   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *major blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tell me more about you, sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i want to know everything about you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-D   
peregrin2201: umm... i don't even know where to start...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i want to know as much as i can about... the man i love...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay from now on, just assume i'm always blushing around you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it'll save time   
peregrin2201: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: start anywhere   
peregrin2201: umm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just be honest   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know you can tell me anything   
peregrin2201: well... i don't know, give me a place to start   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: share a memory   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: something that really stands out   
peregrin2201: are you going to call it a total cop out if the memory is only about three weeks old? ;)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: come on...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: for me?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *puppy eyes*   
peregrin2201: i'm thinking...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: take your time, baby...   
peregrin2201: umm... i guess when i got my first real drum set. i really looked up to the guy who gave it to me.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you play drums?   
peregrin2201: yeah... guitar and piano too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow   
peregrin2201: i didn't say i was good at any of them haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sure you're better than you think   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: favorite ice cream flavor?   
peregrin2201: any flavor with caramel   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oooh   
peregrin2201: like turtle tracks   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh... caramel... you, naked...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: or, me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: either way ;-)   
peregrin2201: wow... my boyfriend is a perv   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: pink floyd or led zeppelin?   
peregrin2201: led zeppelin, no question   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: wow, really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that was fast...   
peregrin2201: well, it doesn't hurt that so many of their songs are about lord of the rings   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good point   
peregrin2201: and robert plant... wow. he's just amazing.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah he is   
peregrin2201: i mean, the whole band is incredibly... i'd kill to play like john bonham   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think anyone would   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know whose talent i wish i had, though?   
peregrin2201: who?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: rick wakeman   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: from yes?   
peregrin2201: oh man... yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that guy's just...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: genius   
peregrin2201: so... you play too?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um... a little   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: little bit of everything   
peregrin2201: that's cool. multitalented.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yep   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: musicall ADD   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ;-)   
peregrin2201: i've noticed ;)   
peregrin2201: the multitalentedness   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: summer or winter?   
peregrin2201: hmm... winter   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good for snuggling :-P   
peregrin2201: yup   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: favorite cartoon growing up?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: lol i'm sorry for the random questions...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but like i said, i want to know everything about you   
peregrin2201: freakazoid. or maybe thundercats   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you can ask me anything, too, you now...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh, good ones   
peregrin2201: well... whatever you wanna tell me, i guess   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nuh-uh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you made me ask stuff   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: now its your turn :-P   
peregrin2201: haha okay   
peregrin2201: favorite color?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: red   
peregrin2201: suits you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because of all the blushing?   
peregrin2201: yup   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what's yours?   
peregrin2201: blue   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... i think that suits you too   
peregrin2201: yeah? why?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not sure   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it just... does   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you seem very... chill   
peregrin2201: if you say so...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but deep   
peregrin2201: can you umm.. hold that thought for a minute?   
peregrin2201: i'll be right back   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: of course   
peregrin2201: okay... i'm back   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: everything alright?   
peregrin2201: it is not easy to walk and type on this thing at the same time   
peregrin2201: yeah... just umm... relocating outside   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm, nice   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so where are you now?   
peregrin2201: sitting on our picnic bench   
peregrin2201: i umm... i mentioned that i sometimes smoke weed, right?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so you're smoking?   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice   
peregrin2201: can't smoke in the house, not really even in the garage   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the wife?   
peregrin2201: yup   
peregrin2201: she's not really a fan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry you have to sneak around with it   
peregrin2201: i go a little wild with it whenever she's not around, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh yeah?   
peregrin2201: making up for lost time, you know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh man, i haven't smoked in ages...   
peregrin2201: i hadnt. but i caved a while ago   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what happened?   
peregrin2201: just... stressed out   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: about what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam?   
peregrin2201: everything that's going on lately...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...me?   
peregrin2201: just wanted to clear my mind for a while, you know?   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm... sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, i really did mess your life up, didn't i...   
peregrin2201: it's okay...   
peregrin2201: no...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no... i don't know if it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you didn't deserve to have shit stirred up like that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it wasn't my place   
peregrin2201: jordan, no.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess i still feel pretty guilty about ruining everything...   
peregrin2201: you didn't ruin anything   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i stressed you out enough to turn to drugs   
peregrin2201: you make that sound really bad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well   
peregrin2201: it's not like i have a drug problem or something   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i didn't say you did   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's not what i meant   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: gah see? i screw up everything...   
peregrin2201: no   
peregrin2201: you do not   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: look, i would be smoking all the time, stressed or not, if someone wasn't breathing down my neck about it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: stoner, huh?   
peregrin2201: i mean, it's not like i quit and fell off the wagon because of you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if you're sure   
peregrin2201: seriously. i'm sure.   
peregrin2201: it's just that my wife hates it, so.. it's pretty rare these days.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm going to guess you've never had stoned sex, then?   
peregrin2201: well... i may have...   
peregrin2201: she just didn't know it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ooh really?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hahaha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's good, isn't it? ;-)   
peregrin2201: well, once i stopped being paranoid that she knew haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha yeah...   
peregrin2201: umm... it's kinda sad, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ?   
peregrin2201: that's probably the most exciting sex i've had with her   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that is sad... but not because of you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's sad that your wife is so blind she doesn't appreciate the amazing man she has   
peregrin2201: because of her?   
peregrin2201: oh...   
peregrin2201: she's just... uptight about sex, i guess   
peregrin2201: which never really bothered me...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sounds like she's uptight about more than just sex...   
peregrin2201: like what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, just you said she's always nagging you   
peregrin2201: that's true...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: let me ask you, has she ever complimented your art?   
peregrin2201: occasionally   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh...   
peregrin2201: she's one of the people who's compliments i don't really trust though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, what about your music?   
peregrin2201: yeah... she likes my music...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're not making it easy to hate her, you know... :-P   
peregrin2201: i guess i'm used to defending her...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what do you mean?   
peregrin2201: she's never been really popular with my family. can't imagine why.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can kind of relate to that   
peregrin2201: yeah... i guess the whole teen pregnancy thing wouldn't go over too well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yea...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but she's stuck by me through some pretty bad times   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry you had to go through that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i feel bad for her too, though...   
peregrin2201: same thing i said about my wife   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: she didn't ask for this either   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
peregrin2201: *hugs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as cliche as it sounds, we love each other, but we're not *in love* with each other   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *hugs you back*   
peregrin2201: i think... i think i know what you mean, though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: looking back, i wonder if we ever really were   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's okay...   
peregrin2201: i just wish... i don't know, i wish i could fix everything for you   
peregrin2201: is that silly?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's beautiful   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you tightly*   
peregrin2201: *smiles*   
peregrin2201: it's true though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, like i said before...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: in here we can be everything we want to be   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: out there, it's not so easy   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
peregrin2201: i know   
peregrin2201: i wish i could just never leave here. i don't even care how impossible that is.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know... i feel the same way   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, even if...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even if we were to meet...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it would change too much   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think it would be a good idea   
peregrin2201: i guess so...   
peregrin2201: maybe you're right...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, we both have our perfect mental images, and at least i know i could never live up to that   
peregrin2201: i have no doubt that you are even more beautiful than those pictures   
peregrin2201: and god... it would feel so good to really hold you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and to kiss you...   
peregrin2201: mmm, yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and look into your eyes   
peregrin2201: to wake up beside you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you have any idea how difficult you're making this?   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no...   
peregrin2201: it's hard for me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't be sorry   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... we couldn't...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i couldn't...   
peregrin2201: i guess not...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but god i wish i could   
peregrin2201: i know, baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *laces my fingers in yours*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know i love you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: right?   
peregrin2201: yes   
peregrin2201: and you know i love you too?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...yes   
peregrin2201: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *touches your cheek, kissing you softly*   
peregrin2201: god, i really wish we could just be together...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey sam?   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what if...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hypothetically speaking   
peregrin2201: what...?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what if... we were...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if i could... see you?   
peregrin2201: well... then i'd be really sad that you weren't with me right now   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i... don't want you to be sad...   
peregrin2201: well i think if we could see each other, then we should   
peregrin2201: that's all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not like we can   
peregrin2201: i know   
peregrin2201: but if we could...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but we can't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i shouldn't have brought it up   
peregrin2201: it's okay   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: it's just... imagining that you were close, but knowing that it wouldn't change anything.... i don't like it :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: me neither   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although...   
peregrin2201: what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't help thinking...   
peregrin2201: thinking what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, about...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what if   
peregrin2201: if we could?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean, it might only be a one-time thing...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... yeah   
peregrin2201: would it have to be? :-(   
peregrin2201: if it could be, i mean   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you might end up wanting it to be...   
peregrin2201: i highly doubt that...   
peregrin2201: i mean, i might disappoint you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: NO   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: never   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... once you see what you'd have to deal with   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my life, my... family..   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i doubt you'd want any part of it   
peregrin2201: well...   
peregrin2201: i don't wanna drag you into all my... stuff. my family, this whole in the closet thing... but...   
peregrin2201: i can't imagine my feelings for you changing   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...same here   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sometimes i wish i could just say the hell with it all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just to be with you   
peregrin2201: aww, jordan...   
peregrin2201: god, that's so much easier said than done, isn't it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: always is...   
peregrin2201: i mean, i can't even really imagine that... even if it does kinda sound nice   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i'm just tired of living a lie, you know?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: pretending to be happy   
peregrin2201: yeah, i can definitely relate   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't get me wrong   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm thankful for everything i have   
peregrin2201: yeah, me too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and most of the time, i wouldn't give it up for anything   
peregrin2201: i mean, i could never walk away from my kids...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god, no, i would never ask you to   
peregrin2201: i know...   
peregrin2201: i'm just... thinking about what might happen if my wife knew, i guess   
peregrin2201: it could be bad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: same here i think   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: although... i don't know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my wife... i wonder sometimes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think my being bi would exactly surprise her, you know?   
peregrin2201: hmm... i suppose.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't know...   
peregrin2201: on one hand, i think my wife would be surprised   
peregrin2201: on the other hand, it would probably explain a lot of our problems...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well, love   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: as much as i hate it, i think we should probably get some rest   
peregrin2201: you may be right...   
peregrin2201: i feel quite relaxed now, anyway.   
peregrin2201: heh   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well that's good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i hope i helped that...   
peregrin2201: you always do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
peregrin2201: and you plus weed? not a bad combination, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i wish i could fall asleep in your arms...   
peregrin2201: god, i would love that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and wake up in them   
peregrin2201: yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: have your eyes be the first and last thing i see   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: your face be the first and last thing i touch   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: your voice be the first and last thing i hear   
peregrin2201: oh, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :'(   
peregrin2201: aww, baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you*   
peregrin2201: *rubs your back gently*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry...   
peregrin2201: it's not your fault   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i feel like such a coward...   
peregrin2201: why?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: scared to be alone, i guess...   
peregrin2201: aww...   
peregrin2201: well i may not be there with you, but you're still not alone   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: neither are you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you so much sam   
peregrin2201: i know, baby. i love you too.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: even saying your name makes me smile   
peregrin2201: aww...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: out of curiosity, is it short for anything?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: samuel?   
peregrin2201: yeah... samuel   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i like that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: got a middle name?   
peregrin2201: yeah, it's john...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: samuel john...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: nice   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love it   
peregrin2201: you think so? :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i do   
peregrin2201: what about you? got a middle name?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: jordan is my middle name   
peregrin2201: oh   
peregrin2201: so, got a first name? :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...you're gonna laugh   
peregrin2201: i promise i won't   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: river...   
peregrin2201: what's funny about... oh   
peregrin2201: i get it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah... its stupid   
peregrin2201: were your parents hippies or something? haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um, yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: something like that   
peregrin2201: i mean, it's kinda cool, though... reminds me of river phoenix   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hmm... yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean yeah   
peregrin2201: i think i like it :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: samuel john   
peregrin2201: yes?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kiss*   
peregrin2201: i love you too, river jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-D   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ok sammy... you need sleep   
peregrin2201: heh, i'm sammy now?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: does that bother you?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think its cute   
peregrin2201: no, i kinda like it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well my love...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you softly*   
peregrin2201: *sighs* i know... time for bed...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't want to go either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but hey   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: now that we're being competely honest with each other   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we shouldn't have any more reasons to run away, right?   
peregrin2201: i'm not running anywhere...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: neither am i   
peregrin2201: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pout* don't wanna go...   
peregrin2201: me either   
peregrin2201: but you know we should...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
peregrin2201: and you know i'll be online tomorrow   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so will i   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
peregrin2201: good :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's a date haha   
peregrin2201: yes it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: goodnight sweet prince, may flights of angels wing you to your rest   
peregrin2201: you are so cheesy, jordan. and i kinda love it.   
peregrin2201: goodnight, baby :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: night   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

I hated how much Jordan worried about everything–-about my marriage, about my drug habit, about what would happen if we ever met in person. He was kind of right to worry about the last one, though. I couldn't help pushing a little bit for it to happen, but truthfully, I was scared to death of it, too. Still, I had to believe that once he saw me, who I really was, I could make him understand why I had lied about my name. 

He _had_ to understand, I told myself. I refused to let my slightly paranoid mind imagine any other scenario. Someday, we would meet and Jordan would still love me, even in spite of my lies. And I would still love him, too. His worry about what I would think of him in person was cute, but I knew there was no way I would ever see him as anything less than perfect. 

I didn't dare go back into the house that night. For one, I was still a little bit stoned even after I finished talking to Jordan for the night. But also, I just didn't want to see Kate. I wanted to keep up the fantasy as much as I could, and crawling into bed with her, especially when she had nagged at me all night, would only remind me that I still wasn't really with Jordan. 

|  **Taylor**

My heart ached as I shut down my laptop. Once again, the thought of meeting Sam face-to-face was frighteningly tempting. And it killed me to not be able to tell him why I was so afraid. But he wasn't pushing. He seemed to understand, and that just made me love him more. He always understood, no matter how frustrating I was being. 

I loved conversations like this one, though, where we shared little details about our lives. It made me feel like I really knew him, reminded me that this wasn't just some game. He even told me his middle name; I'd felt guilty, giving him a fake first name, but I reminded himself that the name was the only lie I was telling. Not counting certain omitted truths, of course, but that was different. 

As I lay in bed that night, I tried again to imagine what would happen if we met. It was a sweet dream this time, with Sam not caring about my identity. He understood why I'd lied, and he loved me still. It ended with us walking around Tulsa together, hand in hand, the sun shining down on us. The next morning, I woke up with tears in my eyes, but a smile on my lips. Maybe someday.   
  
---|---


	9. Chapter 9

**Zac**

The days and weeks seemed to fly by with Jordan. I know that sounds cliché, but it was true. I wanted each conversation with him to last forever, but of course they never did. Still, I was happy with what time we had and what we could share, although I couldn't help wanting more of both-–and more of him.

I've never been a very good boyfriend. That's something I knew about myself long before Kate started pointing it out. But with Jordan, I really wanted to try. For example, I never remembered mine and Kate's anniversary. Yet, as soon as I woke up on the morning of my one month anniversary with Jordan, I remembered. The whole day he was all I could think about. 

It seemed like ages, somehow, but at the same time it seemed like we had just met. Even though I wanted to, I knew that there wasn't much I could do to make the day special. I tried and tried to finish my painting for him, but it still didn't look quite right. Maybe just talking with him would be enough, though. After all, it really was all we had... so far.

|    
**Taylor**

I could hardly believe a whole month had gone by since Sam and I became boyfriends. It still made me grin like an idiot just thinking about it. Things had been rocky at first, both of us having our doubts and fears, but we had each other. It'd been the best month I'd had in longer than I could remember, filled to the brim with laughter and tears, sweet romance and unbridled passion. And I prayed that it was just the beginning.

Things at work and home were being positively affected, too. I helped out around the house more often, I was more productive at work, and I was generally just a better person to be around. Everyone around me seemed to be in a better mood, too, especially Zac. The two of us had always been somewhat tuned into each other's emotions, so it wasn't that surprising that when one of us was in a good mood, so was the other. We were writing songs easily, and even starting to lay down some demo tracks.

Even my relationship with Natalie was improving, in a way. It was like we'd silently come to an understanding, stopped trying to be what we weren't anymore. There was still a touch of bittersweetness, and neither of us was giving up, but we weren't forcing things, either. We still shared a bed, but all we did was sleep; she didn't push for a reason, and I was grateful for that. That night, she didn't even bat an eyelash when I tucked her into our bed, heading to my office. I still cared about her, but my heart now lay with another.  
  
---|---  
  
 

  
peregrin2201: hey baby :-)   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey :-D   
peregrin2201: did you have a good day?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm yeah i did, how about you?   
peregrin2201: yeah, pretty good... couldn't wait to talk to you, though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha same here   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the day couldn't go by fast enough   
peregrin2201: exactly   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...you know what today is?   
peregrin2201: tuesday?   
peregrin2201: yes, i know :-P   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: haha   
peregrin2201: today makes one month, doesn't it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...   
peregrin2201: see, i do know what day it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i knew you would   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: happy anniversary, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close*   
peregrin2201: happy anniversary *kisses you*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you back, stroking your hair*   
peregrin2201: mmm... *purrs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you so much, sam...   
peregrin2201: i love you too, baby   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your jaw*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i thought about this all day   
peregrin2201: me too   
peregrin2201: someone's a little... eager, hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
peregrin2201: not saying i mind   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well that's good   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nips at your jaw*   
peregrin2201: mmm, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls your hips against mine*   
peregrin2201: very eager...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites your neck harder, grabbing your ass*   
peregrin2201: *moans, grabbing a fistful of your hair* god, jordan   
peregrin2201: happy anniversary to you too, haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you hungrily, moaning against your mouth*   
peregrin2201: mmm, baby... *grabs your hips and pulls you even closer*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *looks into your eyes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: make love to me, sam   
peregrin2201: oh, jordan...   
peregrin2201: of course   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *tangles my hands in your hair, walking us back until we fall to the bed*   
peregrin2201: *kisses my way down your face and neck, pausing to suck on a sensitive spot on your neck*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh fuck... sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls at your shirt, my legs wrapping around yours*   
peregrin2201: fuck... trying to tell me something, there? hehe   
peregrin2201: *pulls my shirt off, throwing it aside, then does the same to yours*   
peregrin2201: *leans down and kisses a trail down your chest slowly*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arches my back, digging my nails into yours, my hips rolling up*   
peregrin2201: mmm, fuck...   
peregrin2201: *finally reaches the waistband of your pants, unbuttons and unzips them and pushes them down slowly*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *shaking under your touch, staring into your perfect brown eyes*   
peregrin2201: *locks eyes with you, planting kisses all over your hips and thighs*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bucks my hips up, my eyes pleading*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam... i need you so bad...   
peregrin2201: yeah? *grins*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *nods, biting my lip hard, my body shaking slightly*   
peregrin2201: alright, then *slides my hand up your body until i reach your lips, placing two fingers against them*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *swirls my tongue around your fingers before sucking them into my mouth, my teeth scraping lightly, my eyes locked on yours*   
peregrin2201: mmm, fuck jordan... *moans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kissing your fingertips* sam...   
peregrin2201: yes?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please...   
peregrin2201: heh, you're not as good at being teased are you are at being a tease   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds your wrist, smirking as i continue to brush my tongue against your fingers, barely kissing before sucking them again*   
peregrin2201: *moans* i asked for that, i guess   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mhm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sucks your fingers in deeper*   
peregrin2201: *groans, shudders* jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *bites your fingertips*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yes, sam?   
peregrin2201: you... are evil...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: who, me?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *innocent smile as i flick my tongue out one last time*   
peregrin2201: god...   
peregrin2201: *pulls my hand back and slides it back down your body, bringing it to rest between your cheeks*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *grinding my hips against your hand, grabbing your hair and biting my lip*   
peregrin2201: fuck... *leans down and licks you from base to tip, slipping one of my fingers inside*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: SAM   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *arching my back, moaning loudly*   
peregrin2201: you like that?   
peregrin2201: *grins*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god yes sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know i love it   
peregrin2201: yeah, i just like to hear you say it *blushes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh   
peregrin2201: *gives you another grin, then sucks you into my mouth entirely, thrusting my finger*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sssshit   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *crying out, grinding against your hand, pulling your hair roughly*   
peregrin2201: mmm...   
peregrin2201: *slides the second finger inside, pulling back a little to look you in the eyes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *mouth hanging open as i stare down at you, pushing against you harder*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please sam...   
peregrin2201: yes, jordan?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: more... harder...   
peregrin2201: so needy... *grins, adds a third finger, thrusting them harder*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *screaming your name as i dig my nails into your shoulders*   
peregrin2201: oh god, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: make love to me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i need you now   
peregrin2201: okay, baby   
peregrin2201: *slips my fingers out, then sits up and wiggles out of my pants, quickly climbing back on top of you and wrapping your legs around me again*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you...   
peregrin2201: i love you too. so much.   
peregrin2201: *leans down and kisses you, rolling my hips against you, entering you slowly*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wraps my arms around you tightly, kissing you deeply, groaning against your mouth, my eyes watering*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: love you... so much sam...   
peregrin2201: i love you too baby *tangles my hands in your hair, slowly building my pace*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wrapping my legs around yours, one hand in your hair, the other on your hip*   
peregrin2201: fuck, jordan.... *presses my forehead against yours, moaning*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kissing your neck, whispering how much i love you*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god sam... no one's ever made me feel this way   
peregrin2201: i know, baby... i know...   
peregrin2201: god... *growls, still keeping my pace slow and steady*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck... that growl... god sam you know i love that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulling at your hips, matching your thrusts*   
peregrin2201: mmm, i know... *growls again*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *growls, biting your neck hard*   
peregrin2201: oh, god   
peregrin2201: it's pretty hot when you growl, too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *growls against your neck, biting harder*   
peregrin2201: *moans and shudders* fuck... jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: harder   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *biting your lip, kissing you hard*   
peregrin2201: as you wish... *plants my hands on the bed beside you, thrusts harder into you*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god!   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holding on to you as i scream your name*   
peregrin2201: fuck... i love it when you scream for me, jordan. so much.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ugh...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: keep doing that and i'll keep screaming, baby...   
peregrin2201: *smirks, thrusts even harder* x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x): FUCK!   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *gripping your hair down to the scalp, throwing my head back as i scream over and over*   
peregrin2201: *growls* god... you're so fucking hot...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so are you   
peregrin2201: *blushes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck thats hot...   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah   
peregrin2201: *leans down and kisses you* mmm, jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you deeply, kisses your cheeks, your eyes, your forehead*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you sam... so fucking much...   
peregrin2201: god, i love you too... *moans, shudders*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, rolling my hips up against yours*   
peregrin2201: oh, fuck...   
peregrin2201: *reaches down and grips you, stroking to match your pace*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x:: sam...   
peregrin2201: oh god jordan...   
peregrin2201: so close...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: me too   
peregrin2201: *locks eyes with you as i stroke you faster*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my lover...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my boyfriend   
peregrin2201: oh god... fuck. that sounds so good.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i am yours, sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: all of me   
peregrin2201: oh, jordan... *tangles my hands in your hair, pulling you toward me and kissing you deeply*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: mm...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *moans against your mouth, kissing you with my eyes open*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know i'm all yours   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my body   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my heart   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my soul   
peregrin2201: i know, baby...   
peregrin2201: i'm all yours, too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *starting to cry as i kiss every part of you i can reach*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you...   
peregrin2201: jordan... baby... *moans*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wrapping my legs around you tighter as i scream out*   
peregrin2201: oh, god...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm cumming sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck   
peregrin2201: fuck... i am too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yours forever   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: fuck   
peregrin2201: *wraps my arms around you, pulling you closer as i thrust into you even deeper*   
peregrin2201: fuck...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *cries out as i shoot all over our stomachs*   
peregrin2201: oh fuck, jordan   
peregrin2201: *growls and shudders, the collapses on top of you*   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you deeply*   
peregrin2201: happy anniversary, baby *smiles*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *wiping my eyes*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: happy anniversary sam...   
peregrin2201: good anniversary present? hehe   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: heh yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep breath*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um... sam?   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm sorry for being kind of...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: overly emotional...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush*   
peregrin2201: you don't need to apologize for that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god why can't i ever keep my mouth shut...   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
peregrin2201: please don't beat yourself up   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i shouldn't have said...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know what i said...   
peregrin2201: did you mean it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *blush/pout*   
peregrin2201: aww god   
peregrin2201: that's too cute   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *deep shaky breath*   
peregrin2201: i'm sorry, i shouldn't have asked that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i didn't... not mean it...   
peregrin2201: i just don't want you to apologize for what you feel, okay?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i shouldn't have dropped that on you like that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just got so caught up in the emotion of the moment...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: just... just forget i said it   
peregrin2201: okay... if that's what you want...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i guess...   
peregrin2201: what if i don't want to forget it, though?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...what?   
peregrin2201: what? you heard what i said   
peregrin2201: i don't think i want to forget it...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you... don't?   
peregrin2201: no...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...but   
peregrin2201: but what?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: jordan, if that's how you feel... please don't apologize for it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but we...   
peregrin2201: i know   
peregrin2201: believe me, i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so then...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigH*   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
peregrin2201: use your words, baby. tell me what you're thinking.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please don't take this the wrong way   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but it's all well and good to say you're okay with...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: with that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because it can never really happen, can it?   
peregrin2201: it's still so real, though. even if it's just... here.   
peregrin2201: isn't it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but that's just it   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's just here   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: the feelings may be real   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but as for commitment   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's all just fantasy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please, i don't mean it as anything against you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's just... the reality of the situation   
peregrin2201: it's kinda hard not to take it that way, though...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just don't want... anyone... to get hurt   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
peregrin2201: if it's "just fantasy," why would you even say that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's not what i meant sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what i feel for you isn't just fantasy   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know that   
peregrin2201: but... you're not all mine. and i'm not all yours. so... why say it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because i wish to god i was   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god sam... do you have any idea...   
peregrin2201: yeah, well... it's not gonna happen is it? you keep saying it can't...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam please...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam, i love you...   
peregrin2201: i love you too...   
peregrin2201: i just wish you could say all that to me... and it really be true...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you have any idea how much its killing me not to jump in my car and drive to where you are?   
peregrin2201: oh god, jordan... you have no idea how much i wish you would   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: in my heart it is true   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know that   
peregrin2201: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just don't know what to do anymore   
peregrin2201: but i just wish... god, it would be amazing to hear you really say it to me...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't you think i want that too?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: do you think i like going to bed every night burying my face in my pillow, so i don't wake my wife by sobbing too loudly?   
peregrin2201: oh god, jordan... baby...   
peregrin2201: i didn't know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *cries*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: when i say this is killing me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i mean it   
peregrin2201: *holds you tight* baby...   
peregrin2201: it's killing me too   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's why i wanted to take it back   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: because wishing isn't going to change the fact that i can't   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no matter how badly i wish i could   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you tight, crying into your shoulder*   
peregrin2201: *sniffles* jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it hurts so bad, sam   
peregrin2201: i know, baby, i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it hurts worse every day, and i'm so afraid someone's going to notice   
peregrin2201: i'm almost to the point that i don't even care if people notice...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i could lose everything though   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: my family, my kids... my job...   
peregrin2201: i could too...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...i'm starting to wonder if i would even care   
peregrin2201: hell, i sleep on the couch most nights anyway...   
peregrin2201: there's really not much of my marriage left to cling to, i'm afraid   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you, rubbing your back*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm so sorry sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm being so selfish...   
peregrin2201: no... don't say that   
peregrin2201: you know my marriage wasn't that good before you, either.   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah, and i didn't exactly help...   
peregrin2201: no, jordan... don't say that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's true, isn't it?   
peregrin2201: i don't care if it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: look   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe...   
peregrin2201: maybe what??   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: maybe... it's not totally 100%... impossible   
peregrin2201: what...   
peregrin2201: you mean...?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...yeah   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: us...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: seeing each other   
peregrin2201: jordan... don't even you dare get my hopes up right now if you don't mean that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i just don't know if i can do this anymore...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: not seeing you   
peregrin2201: i know   
peregrin2201: it's so fucking hard... so much harder than i could have imagined   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i can't make any promises...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but... maybe   
peregrin2201: okay...   
peregrin2201: i think i can live with that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i know how hard it is   
peregrin2201: i know you do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you said... you're in Tulsa?   
peregrin2201: yeah, i did   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it might only be one time   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i need you to know that   
peregrin2201: *sighs*   
peregrin2201: okay...   
peregrin2201: i think i can... understand that   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't want it to be, please believe me   
peregrin2201: i know   
peregrin2201: i don't either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what i said earlier...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i want it to be true   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i pray to god that somehow it can be   
peregrin2201: me too...   
peregrin2201: but... you think we really could see each other? even if it's just once?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i don't think i could stand not to   
peregrin2201: god, me either   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you, sam...   
peregrin2201: i love you too   
peregrin2201: so fucking much   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much it scares me   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think... it might be possible   
peregrin2201: i really, really hope it is...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *touches your cheek*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god, to see you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: to actually see you   
peregrin2201: yeah...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and touch you   
peregrin2201: actually kiss you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *whimper*   
peregrin2201: and make love to you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god sam   
peregrin2201: sounds amazing, doesn't it?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...yes   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sniff*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know it does   
peregrin2201: yeah, i just wanted to hear you say it   
peregrin2201: *grins*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses you softly*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it'll be okay...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we'll figure something out   
peregrin2201: yeah?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i meant...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
peregrin2201: jordan...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: Tulsa... isn't out-of-the-question far...   
peregrin2201: it isn't?   
peregrin2201: are you sure?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...getting there...   
peregrin2201: god, jordan... i just can't even imagine, though.   
peregrin2201: i'm kinda embarassed, but...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: about what?   
peregrin2201: i'm actually crying right now, just thinking about actually seeing you, finally   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *pulls you into my arms*   
peregrin2201: *sniffles*   
peregrin2201: god, i'm such a little bitch... haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god no   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: trust me sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're not the only one crying   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'll tell you what   
peregrin2201: what...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you said you had someone you might be able to tell, right?   
peregrin2201: maybe...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how about you work on that...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and i'll work on trying to see you   
peregrin2201: i guess... i guess that's okay   
peregrin2201: you better work really hard   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i'm not trying to push you if you're not ready   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but, if you are   
peregrin2201: no... i think i am ready...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: well then...   
peregrin2201: at least to tell one person   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...i guess...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: we'll have something to celebrate   
peregrin2201: or you can console me after i get disowned... either/or   
peregrin2201: haha   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i think i'm actually...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: looking forward to this   
peregrin2201: well, i would hope so :-( i'd hate to think you were dreading seeing me   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh god   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's not what i meant at all   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam   
peregrin2201: i know   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you know how badly i need to see you   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: god... do you know how close i am to driving out there right now?   
peregrin2201: really close, i hope?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: about a thread away...   
peregrin2201: god...   
peregrin2201: i wish you would   
peregrin2201: i really do   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but it's kind of the middle of the night, baby...   
peregrin2201: that's a small problem, i suppose   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: actually, closer to dawn... wow   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: time flies...   
peregrin2201: oh...   
peregrin2201: so it is   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: get some sleep love...   
peregrin2201: *sighs*   
peregrin2201: i don't wanna leave you...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but i'll be with you in your dreams   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-)   
peregrin2201: you definitely will be...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and you in mine   
peregrin2201: and i hope you're really with me soon...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: ...we'll see baby   
peregrin2201: *sighs* okay...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you close, kissing you*   
peregrin2201: i love you so much, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you sam   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: so much it makes me crazy   
peregrin2201: yeah, exactly   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: alright love   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your cheek*   
peregrin2201: *smiles sadly*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *touches your face*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't be sad   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: please   
peregrin2201: i'm trying not to be...   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: smile for me?   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *kisses your nose*   
peregrin2201: *giggles, smiles for real*   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: that's better   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: happy anniversary, sam   
peregrin2201: happy anniversary, jordan   
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you   
peregrin2201: i love you too   
---  
  
 

**Zac**

I hadn't lied. I really did start crying at the thought of finally meeting Jordan face to face. They were tears of happiness and just a little bit of fear. What if it didn't work out in person? It was scary to think about, but I tried my best to push those thoughts aside.

The thought of coming out was part of what scared me, too, even if it would just be to one person. I didn't even know who to tell–-who did I really have who wouldn't judge me for something like that? Maybe no one but Jordan. 

An hour after we signed offline, I still couldn't seem to stop crying, my emotions running back and forth between joy and terror. There was no way I could explain that to Kate, so I settled into the couch in my garage studio once again. That studio was my little refuge from the world. 

|  **Taylor**

I held a shaking hand to my heart, feeling it pounding against my ribs. To actually see Sam, face to face; to hold him in my arms, to look into his eyes, to hear him say my name. My real name. It was terrifying, but my longing to be with him was overpowering the fear with every passing day. It had been a month; Sam knew practically everything about me. Why wouldn't he still love me?

But taking it from the computer to the real world was a huge step. Not that it wasn't real already, but to see him in person would truly confirm it. I thought of my wife; could I really cheat on her? Hadn't I already? Where was the line? I wondered if I'd already crossed it, and if I even cared.

I didn't, I realized. I needed Sam, needed to see him, needed this to be real. My life had been so empty before, and I hadn't even known until he came into it. I was still afraid, but I wouldn't let my fear keep me from happiness. I'd focused on others for so long, and I was proud of that; but it was my turn. I was going to fight for this, with everything I had. And if it didn't work out... I shuddered, and decided not to think of anything other than mine and Sam's happy ending.   
  
---|---


	10. Chapter 10

**Zac**

I knew Jordan was right. I needed to tell someone. After thinking about it for a while, I decided the best person to tell was Taylor. I knew he was going through some stuff of his own lately, and we hadn't been getting along that well, but I thought maybe he would still be there for me. We were always best friends, after all. He was the one I looked up to, even more than I did Ike. So, I was going to tell Taylor I was gay.

There didn't really seem to be a good time, so I just took the first opportunity that presented itself. During a quick break from rehearsing, I walked into the office where I knew he would be. He already had his laptop out and he looked busy, so I pulled mine out as well. Maybe now wasn't a good time. But if I didn't do it now, I might lose my nerve completely.

I took a deep breath. “Tay...”

“Yeah?” He replied, not even turning to look at me.

“Are you, like, really busy?”

A moment passed before he finally replied, still not looking up. “Umm, not really. What's up?”

I glanced over my laptop screen at the back of his head, frowning. “Umm... I just kinda wanted to talk to you about something.”

Finally, he looked up. “Okay... What's up?”

I sighed, trying to figure out how to begin. It was embarrassing, and I could feel myself blushing, but I couldn't see a better way to start. “You know what, umm, Kate told Natalie... a while back...”

Taylor tilted his head in thought, then smirked. “Yeah? What about it?”

“It's not funny.”

He looked back at his computer screen., completely dismissing me. “It's no big deal, Zac. Happens to all of us.”

I realized he didn't understand at all. “I don't think so.”

Taylor sighed lightly. “Trust me, I've had my off days too.”

“Okay. But that's different.”

Taylor looked up at me again, raising an eyebrow. 

I pressed on. “I wouldn't exactly say I was having an off day.”

Taylor shook his head a little, then turned back to his screen once again. “So get checked out if you're that worried. I still say it's no big deal, though.”

He just didn't get it at all. Maybe I hadn't chose the best tactic, but I didn't know how else to approach this. It seemed easiest to begin with something Taylor already knew about me, and then explain why that had happened. But maybe he just didn't care. I slammed my laptop shut, groaning loudly. Finally, Taylor looked back over, and I said, “That's not what I mean, either. I know why it happened.”

Taylor stared at me blankly, and what little resolve I had found melted away. I stuttered and stammered, causing him to sigh. “Look, Zac. No offense or anything, but you've never talked to me about this stuff before.”

He was right. Of course I didn't talk about my sex life. It was nothing worth talking about, at least not until recently. “Yeah, well... I don't like talking about my sex life.”

“And yet... you are,” he replied with another blank stare, turning back to his laptop again.

A little bit louder, I continued on, “Look, this isn't just about that night. Or just about my sex life.”

Taylor didn't look back at me. Instead, he just mumbled t himself, “Zac wants to suddenly talk about his lack of boners. Great. I freaking hate Mondays.”

That was it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I couldn't be calm and collected anymore, not when I was trying to tell Taylor something so serious and he didn't seem to give a damn at all about what I was going through. I stood up suddenly, growling. That got his attention.

He looked over at me and sighed. “What now?”

“Can you take me seriously for half a second? Please?”

He stared at me, then snorted. “You? Serious? Who are you, and what've you done with Zac?”

I growled again. “Why do I even bother trying to talk to you?”

Taylor groaned. “I don't know, Zac. Why do you? Since you aren't even saying anything...”

“I'm trying, okay?” I said, my voice falling a little. Once again, my resolve was stretched to its breaking point. It was amazing how Taylor could just get under my skin like no one else.

“Now do you want to tell me what's up, or can I get back to my work?”

My resolve was all but completely gone, but I was determined to keep going. “It's not fucking easy to about, but I hoped if I could talk to anyone, it would have been you.” 

Taylor looked confused, but at least he didn't speak again. I didn't give him a chance to speak before I went on. “Tay... it's not like I just couldn't get it up. It's... I know why it happened.”

He blushed. “Zac, look. Maybe... this isn't the best time.”

“I'm not sure there's a good time for this. But I'm sick of hiding and lying about it.”

There. I was finally saying what I intended to say. But Taylor only glanced away nervously. “Look, Ike's better at handling this stuff...”

“I highly doubt that,” I replied harshly, then regretted the implication. “I mean, not that I think you're... but Ike definitely couldn't deal with this.”

“Well, jeez, Zac, did you ever think maybe you're making me uncomfortable?”

I couldn't fucking believe him. He was making this about him? I wouldn't stand for that. “I'm sorry that your comfort isn't my biggest concern.”

He groaned. “Don't start, Zac.”

“I'm not starting anything, damn it. I'm just trying to tell you something fucking important and you're being a bitch.”

“Well, I'm sorry if I don't really feel like hearing about my little brother's sex life!” He actually huffed, once again turning back to his laptop.

“You know what, forget it. I knew you wouldn't understand.”

“Zac, I...” He began, then groaned, obviously thinking better of whatever he was going to say.

I stared blankly at him, waiting for him to continue. 

“You know what? Fine. If you ever get the balls to actually say whatever it is you wanna say, fine. But trust me, whatever it is you've got to say, I'm sure I've heard it already.”

I had no clue what he meant by that. He couldn't know, could he?” “I... you couldn't have...”

“It's bad enough hearing Kate bitch about it to Nat all the time.”

“She... what?!” None of this made any sense. Kate knew too? 

Taylor turned to look at me again. “Look man, I get it. Kate's not exactly eighteen anymore. Trust me, I know. Having four kids hasn't exactly been kind to Nat, either.”

“That's not... umm. Eww.” That was a mental picture I definitely could have gone the rest of my life without seeing. It was a relief in a way, though. Taylor still thought we were talking about my inability to get it up. And technically we were. But he didn't really know why.

“Can't you just, I don't know... picture Cindy Crawford or something?”

“That wouldn't really help...” I didn't know how much clearer I could make this for him, but he still just wasn't getting it.

He groaned. “Well, whatever, Zac. You asked for my advice, so if you're not gonna take it, that's on you.”

He turned back to his computer, but I wasn't letting him try to end this conversation again. “I didn't ask for advice! If you'd fucking listen...”

I thought I had reached my breaking point earlier, but I was wrong. That was it. There was just no point trying to talk to Taylor about this. He either didn't want to hear what I had to say or he didn't care, but either way he wasn't taking it seriously. So I was done trying.

“Just forget it,” I said to the back of his head.

He sighed and shook his head, still not even looking at me. “Whatever, man.”

Under my breath, I mumbled, “I knew this was a bad idea.”

I stared at the back of Taylor's head for a moment. I knew he heard me, but for whatever reason, he had chosen to ignore it. He just didn't care. That was all their was to it. I groaned loudly, even though I knew he still wouldn't bother replying, and walked out of the room. 

So much for coming out. I wanted to; I really did. But I knew it wouldn't be that easy. The worst part was realizing that I had disappointed Jordan by not following through. I had promised him I would try, and I had, but I hadn't succeeded. What would he say about that? I almost didn't want to know, but at the same time, I did. There was no one else I could talk to now. I needed him. I pulled my phone out and signed onto AIM, hoping and praying he was online.

 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey!  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-D  
peregrin2201: umm... hey  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how's it going baby?  
peregrin2201: not so good :(  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what's wrong?  
peregrin2201: i tried talking to someone...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: should i ask?  
peregrin2201: it didn't go very well  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: :-(  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh baby...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you*   
---  
  
 

 

Jordan cared about me. Even if no one else did, he cared. I could hear Taylor's laptop in the background and it made me roll my eyes, recalling just how callous he had been when I came to him. I couldn't even begin to explain that to Jordan and it made me angry just thinking about it.

 

  
peregrin2201: i was afraid no one would understand...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it'll be okay  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what did they say?  
peregrin2201: i couldn't even get that far. I kinda chickened out...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh sam...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it'll be okay  
peregrin2201: i'm so sorry...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don't be  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it's not easy  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no one expects you to rush this  
peregrin2201: i know...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and hey  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if they don't understand  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then who needs them  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you're an amazing person  
peregrin2201: it's not that simple...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know baby  
peregrin2201: it's family...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but family is more than just blood   
---  
  
 

 

I held my phone back for a second and reread his words. I knew he was right. He always knew the right thing to say, no matter what mood I was in. It was amazing how he could make everything better. Even though I felt like crying, Jordan made me feel so much better. 

While I was thinking all of that, I realized that the stupid noise Taylor's laptop was making has stopped. Finally. I really didn't need any more reasons to be upset with him, when I already felt like punching his face in.

 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you  
peregrin2201: i love you too...   
---  
  
 

 

As soon as I sent the message, I heard Taylor's laptop again. It dawned on me that I knew that sound. It was the sound AIM makes when you get an instant message. I wondered who Taylor could possibly be talking to right then. He seemed so obsessed with whatever was on his laptop screen that it must be someone important...

 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam...  
peregrin2201: yeah?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um   
---  
  
 

 

The timing was unmistakable. It was one of those things that once you notice it, you can't unnotice it. Every time I sent Jordan a message, Taylor's laptop beeped again. It couldn't be a coincidence, could it? I had to be sure. I walked down the hallway, as quietly and calmly as possible, and stopped right outside the office door.

 

  
peregrin2201: yeah jordan?  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i   
---  
  
 

 

I stepped into the doorway quietly, even though I knew my phone would give me away in a moment. 

 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you  
peregrin2201: me  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *swallows hard*  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you said...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you live in...   
---  
  
 

 

The messages came in one right after another. I could only see Taylor's back, but it was obvious that he was nervous. He was shaking a little and I realized that I was, too. I looked at my phone's screen, then back at Taylor, then back at the screen.

 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tulsa?  
peregrin2201: yeah...  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam?   
---  
  
 

 

I ignored the message. I was certain. It was Taylor. I shoved my phone back into my pocket just as Taylor looked over at me. He was pale, even moreso than usual. From the way I felt, I can only imagine that I looked the same.

“Taylor... I...”

He was shaking all over, staring right at me as he typed something else into his laptop.

 

  
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you...?   
---  
  
 

 

My phone went off again in my pocket, the vibration making me jump a little. Taylor was shaking violently. Somehow, I was strangely calm, despite feeling like I might explode at any moment. 

I laughed nervously, still shaking. “So, about what I was trying to tell you...”

“Zac...” Taylor said, shaking his head. I could see tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.

“I guess you already know...”

“S..Sam?”

I nodded slowly, then looked down. There was no denying it. “Jordan? Should have fucking figured that out.”

Taylor leaned back in his chair, his breathing all out of whack. I wasn't sure what was happening to him, but it didn't look good.

“Tay...”

He wrapped his arms around himself and started rocking back and forth. He was really starting to scare me. Instinct took over and I rushed toward him, then stopped. Even though I was scared, I couldn't actually reach out and touch him. The realization of what we had done, who he had said he was, who he _knew_ I was, hit me all at once and it made me ill.

“Taylor... say something...”

He jumped in his seat, looking up at me suddenly. He looked horrified by what he saw. Did I disgust him that much? I knew the reality of our situation was bad, but the look in his eyes said that it was even worse than I realized. 

“I...” he stuttered out finally.

I stared into his eyes, feeling more and more ill the longer I did. It was hard to even believe it was real. But it was. Here was my brother, right in front of me, his horror and panic proof that this really had happened. Suddenly, his breathing reached a peak and his eyes rolled back in his head. I could only stare in disbelief as he fell out of his chair and into the floor.

I still didn't want to touch him, but I knew I had to do something. I fell awkwardly to the floor next to him, scooping him up into my arms despite the fact that my mind was screaming at me to leave him alone. But despite everything else, he was my brother, and he was clearly in need of help. I touched his face gently. “Tay... Taylor... Fuck, wake up, Tay.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Taylor**

"Ugh... what..." I slowly became aware of someone calling my name; I opened my eyes, and saw Zac leaning over me, concern and fear painted all across his features. For a brief moment, I wondered what was wrong. And then I remembered. I scrambled away, as quickly as I could, until my back hit the wall. I drew my knees to my chest, curling up, wishing and praying that this was just a horrible nightmare. Tears began to fall, hot, angry tears that stung my eyes and burned my cheeks.

"Why," I croaked, rocking back and forth like a child. "Why would you do this?" I wasn't sure who I was asking. Zac? Myself? _God_?

"I didn't... what?" Zac shrieked indignantly, but I barely heard him. I leaned my head on my knees, praying feverishly to just disappear.

"God, I feel so stupid, so..."

"Used?" Zac finished. I looked over at him slowly, scrutinizing his expression. I don't know what I was searching for, but I nodded in agreement. 

"How could you?" Zac's voice was cold, and I sucked in a breath. The confusion and hurt were painfully clear in my shaking voice.

"How could _I_? I didn't..."

"How could you say any of that? Act like that?" Zac's voice rose, his anger striking me deep. "And then, when I try to talk to you for real, you wouldn't even fucking listen." Realization hit me like a slap in the face. I'd talked him, no, _pushed_ him into coming out, and when he tried to come out to me of all people, I blatantly turned him away. My god... how _could_ I? A fresh wave of tears broke loose, this time from guilt.

"I should have known," Zac muttered, but his words thundered in my ears.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." I whispered apologies, again and again, in between sobs. 

"It was too good to be true," Zac finished in a whisper. I froze, my tears ceasing as I lifted my eyes to Zac's hunched frame. 

"Zac," I started softly.

"What?" he snarled; the growl in his voice shook me, as did the barely-contained tears. Was he really playing the victim in this?

"You don't think this is just as bad for me?" My tone was angrier than I'd intended, but truthfully, I _was_ angry. He was acting like some tortured soul, as if I was completely unharmed. Nothing could have been further than the truth.

"The one time I let myself have a little bit of happiness, and-" I cut myself off, swallowing back more tears.

"I don't know. I have no fucking clue what this is like for you." Zac's voice was even colder, even more harsh, and I felt my own anger flare up.

"How can you say that? Nothing I said, _nothing_ , was a lie. That was me, being more honest with a complete stranger, than I've ever been with my own family."

"Oh yeah? River Jordan? God, I should've seen through that," Zac muttered, and I rolled my eyes.

"Samuel John?" I spat back sarcastically. Who was he to call me out for using a fake name? At least mine was close to the truth.

"Ok fine, so we both lied."

"Only about the name," I sighed, shaking my head. "Everything else..." I bit my lip, looking away. "Everything else was real."

"Oh god," Zac hissed, sniffling. "You even knew I lived in Tulsa... Please tell me you didn't know it was me." A chill ran through me as Zac's words sunk in. My head snapped up, my eyes wide and burning.

"Don't you _fucking_ dare!" He couldn't possibly be accusing me of... of...

"Are you sure Kate was the one who told you about my... my problem?"

"Zac," I growled warningly. My fists began to shake, a nauseating pit forming in my stomach. To think he thought I was capable of... _that_...

"You fucking knew, didn't you?" Zac's voice raised in pitch and volume, his face displaying the same level of horror and disgust I was feeling. "Were you just fucking with me?!"

Something in me snapped. I launched myself at Zac, fists flying. He blocked the first blow, throwing one of his own that caught me hard in the jaw. I retaliated, landing a jab to his gut; I grabbed his shirt and rolled, the two of us tumbling across the floor. Both of us shouted an endless string of obscenities as we fought; my vision blurred as tears flowed once again, costing me more than a few hits.

I thought I had the upper hand, but then Zac's body pitched to the side, his hands pinning my wrists to the floor. I struggled, thrashing and kicking, but my younger brother was stronger than me, a fact I'd almost forgotten. I continued to struggle, but with the sobs stealing my breath and my strength, it was no use. 

"God, you are a pathetic bitch," I heard Zac say above me. His voice shook, and through my blurred vision I could make out his own contorted face, his cheeks as drenched as my own. I turned away, trying to hide more from his words than anything else. It was true. I was pathetic. Weak, useless, a failure, receiving exactly what I deserved.

I was vaguely aware of Zac's grip loosening, but it didn't matter. If he wanted to beat me, I didn't care. It couldn't be any worse than how I already felt. The one time I thought I could be happy, the one time I thought maybe I would get some sort of reward for all I'd done, all I'd given up, and this was what I got. A twisted, perverted mockery of love. Was I so horrible, that this was what I'd earned?

"You... You didn't know, did you?"

 

**Zac**

I stared down at Taylor. He looked so scared and so vulnerable. This wasn't the Taylor I was angry with. This was... Jordan. The wonderful, vulnerable boy I had fallen in love with. But he was my brother. Even if he wasn't as horrible as I thought he was, he still couldn't be everything I wanted him to be. The whole situation was a mess.

I sighed. “That still doesn't really make it any better.”

Taylor wiggled beneath me, trying to roll onto his side. I looked down again, at our bodies pressed together. This was not good. My body --or at least a certain part of it--seemed to disagree, though. If there was any possible way for this to get worse... yes, I was definitely getting hard. I jumped back quickly, letting Taylor go. I couldn't let him see what had happened. I slid back against the wall, putting plenty of distance between us.

He rolled onto his side and curled up, his crying slowing down but not stopping entirely. He muttered, mostly to himself, “Not real... none of it... wasn't real...”

“It...” I began, then stopped myself. It couldn't have been real, could it? If that was what he thought, then he must have been right. I sniffled. “Right. Of course not.”

He looked up at me slowly, sitting up further. “I meant you... you, Sam...”

“What?” I asked, his train of thought completely impossible for me to follow. As vulnerable as he looked, I still couldn't see through him completely.

He stared at me, shaking his head. “Nothing. Doesn't matter.”

I sighed. “Well, I'm still gay. That was real.”

Taylor looked at me sadly. I didn't want him to pity me. I just wanted him to know the truth. Maybe some of it had been a lie, or had been real but couldn't be real now, but my sexuality wasn't. I was gay; I couldn't change it.

“I should have listened. I'm so sorry, Zac, I...”

“You couldn't have changed anything.”

He was still staring at me, his eyes boring into me. I didn't know what he saw, but whatever it was, it seemed to be preventing him from speaking.

“It doesn't really matter what you say or do... or what you could or should have...”

“Yeah, but...” He interjected.

I didn't wait for him to finish. I needed to say this--all of it. “It doesn't change... what I am.”

He smiled sadly. “Well, you know about me now, too.”

“I guess I do.”

“So... you're not alone.”

“I guess not...” I hadn't really thought about that. It was funny, how I had thought for so long that I was suffering alone and that Taylor couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. I guess he understood more than either of us even realized.

“That picture...” Taylor said, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up to see his head tilted to the side in thought. “The one you sent m--umm, Jordan... I see the resemblance, a bit...”

“Doesn't look as much like me as that dude looked like you. Right down the fucking scarf,” I replied, laughing. Now that I knew it was him, was looking at Taylor right in front of me, I couldn't believe that picture hadn't been the second biggest clue to Jordan's identity. It did look freakishly like him, although maybe not as--no. I was definitely not thinking about Taylor like that.

Taylor laughed nervously. “Yeah, well... I still say he's hotter... umm...” He trailed off, blushing.

I shrugged. What could I say to that? I didn't want to agree with Taylor, but I didn't want to disagree with him, either. Disagreeing meant admitting that I had suddenly realized my brother was hot. I wasn't sure I could handle that.

“And...” Taylor said, realization in his eyes. “I gave you your scarves, didn't I?”

“Yeah...” I replied, thinking back to when me and Jordan had discussed his fashion sense, and how I had admitted to only owning a few scarves. They were the ones Taylor had given me, god knows why, but I wore them, just because they were from him. Taylor laughed lightly and I looked up at him again.

“How fucking dumb are we?” I asked, trying to laugh, but another sob ran through my body just as I tried.

Taylor groaned, still crying a little, but laughter slowly taking him over as well. He was still blushing, his cheeks growing deeper and deeper red. “You, uh...”

“What?”

“You do look better with your hair longer...”

“Oh,” I replied. I don't know what I had expected him to say, but it definitely wasn't that. Surely he wasn't saying I was hot, though. Or was he? His cheeks were awfully red. “God, you do blush all the time.”

I didn't think it was even possible, but his cheeks grew even darker red. He groaned, but smiled at the same time. He tried to hide his face, but I could still see the smile breaking through. I couldn't help giggling at how adorable it was. There really was no use to fight acknowledging it. Taylor was adorable, hot, beautiful – there were dozens of adjectives that almost came close to describing him. At that realization, my giggles stopped.

“Tay, umm...”

“Yeah?” He answered quickly, his voice taking on a hopeful tone.

“I had no idea...” I started, thinking back to all our conversations, still trying to reconcile all of it with the person I thought I knew. “I mean, everything you said about your marriage...”

“Oh,” he replied, nodding slowly.

“I didn't know you were so unhappy...” That was the truth. I really didn't. Logically, I should have known that Taylor's marriage wasn't perfect; how could it be? But I hadn't realized just how much of himself he had sacrificed for everyone else's happiness.

He shrugged, and it broke my heart.

“I'm sorry.”

“They're happy...”

God, he was so selfless. I admired it, but I hated it. I hated knowing how miserable he was inside because of it. “But... you're not.”

He slowly looked up and met my eyes. “I was...” He bit his lip.

“Yeah... me too...” I looked away from him, feeling myself blush as well. I hoped he had meant he was happy with Sam – no, with me.

“Yeah mean... before? Or, umm...”

“When... umm...” I couldn't bring myself to say it. It was embarrassing to even think about how happy he had made me, happier than I had ever been before in my life. But that was over now, wasn't it?

“You are cute when you blush...”

Of course, that only made me blush more, and I still wasn't brave enough to look back at him. How could I, after admitting that? From the corner of my eye, I could see him moving a little closer to me.

“I'm... sorry.”

I wasn't entirely sure what he was apologizing for, but I thought I could guess. It was the entire, awful situation we had accidentally gotten ourselves into. “It's not your fault...”

He shrugged. “Half of it is.”

“I guess...” I wasn't going to argue that point with him. I didn't really think either of us were to blame. Or if we were, then we both were. Either way, placing blame didn't seem to make a difference. It didn't fix anything, especially not all the confusing thoughts I was having.

“I'm sorry about... things with Kate...”

I shrugged, looking down. I didn't want to talk about her. It wasn't her fault that I was what I was. Things with her were as good as they could possibly be, given that she had been unfortunate enough to come my way right when I was looking for a girl to make myself straight. And it had worked, sort of. For a while. At least, until that one night when I couldn't perform. I suddenly remembered Taylor's stupid advice and had to force myself not to laugh. Under my breath, I said, “Telling me to imagine Cindy Crawford...”

Taylor snorted. I looked up at him, finding it impossible to hold in my giggles. I watched him screw up his face as he tried not to laugh, but ultimately gave in.

“I'm... sorry, really,” he said in between laughs.

“Yeah, yeah...” I replied, still giggling. “Not your fault I'm... well, you know.”

He smirked. “You're... what?”

“Gay. You knew what I meant.”

“Sorry...” Taylor said, his smile falling. He reached out hesitantly, his hand hanging in the air between us. 

Finally, when I thought I might explode from the anticipation, he touched my arm lightly. I looked down at his hand and blinked. It should have felt strange, I thought, for Taylor to touch me like that. It wasn't that intimate, but at the same time, it was. But it didn't feel strange.

He rested his hand there, and I could see his hesitation fading away. He began to rub my arm slowly, and it felt wonderful. It was such a simple little thing, but it made me feel this warm, tingly feeling inside. I didn't want to put a name to it, even though I was pretty sure I knew. I tried to ignore that and just focus on the way it felt, sighing contentedly.

Taylor reached up and brushed a piece of hair from my eyes. “You do have really nice eyes, you know. Not boring at all.”

“I've always liked yours better,” I replied, blushing.

He blushed too, looking down but still touching my hair. He began to stroke a few strands lightly. That warm, tingly feeling only intensified. I stared at Taylor, biting my lip as I contemplated what this all meant. Maybe I shouldn't fight it. Maybe it would be better if I just gave in and admitted how he was making me feel.

He met my eyes, his hand on my hair coming to a stop. He began to pull his hand back and I felt my body cry out for him. There was no denying it. I wanted Taylor to touch me. I didn't know how to tell him that, though. But I couldn't let him get away. My voice trembling, I managed to say, “You don't... have to stop...”


	12. Chapter 12

**Taylor**

I froze, my hand hanging mid-air. I couldn't breath as I stared at Zac. He wasn't saying what I thought he was... was he? Slowly, he reached for my hand, guiding it back to his hair. His hand lingered on mine; I tilted my head, wondering what was going on in his mind. Cautiously, I let our fingers brush; the sensation made me tremble, from fear or excitement, or maybe both.

"Tay," Zac breathed. I swallowed hard, barely aware of my other hand clenching and unclenching. I licked my lips, gasping a bit as I caught Zac following the motion, his eyes widening. I bit my lip nervously, my own eyes fluttering closed as I let myself touch his hair. It was cool, and soft, and somehow soothing as I tangled my fingers in it.

He purred. My eyes shot open, trained on his, as I caught the soft sound.

"Um... I wasn't lying about that, either..." Zac's cheeks took on a pinkish hue, and as much as it shocked me to admit it, it was... adorable. 

"So I see." My voice was barely above as a whisper as I responded, my lips curling into a tiny smirk. I continued to stroke his hair, a bit more confidently, and was rewarded with a louder purr. The sound flowed into me gently, sparking deeper sensations, and I let my eyes fall close, my fingers tightening involuntarily. When I heard the soft moan slip from his lips, my eyes shot open once again.

"Um... I..." Zac stammered, his cheeks turning a deeper shade of red. I didn't know what was urging me on, but I began to smile, gripping his hair a fraction tighter. He moaned again, his eyes rolling back, and I had to bite my lip hard to suppress the whimper that threatened to escape.

"Taylor," he breathed, and I swore I'd never heard anyone say my name quite like that.

"Zac," I sighed, shivering. We were treading new and dangerous water, but I was undeniably intrigued by it.

"You... um..."

"I...?" I pressed, releasing Zac's hair. I let my fingers brush against his cheek; it was warm, and softer than it looked, and I couldn't help smiling as he trembled at my touch.

"You were doing that... on purpose." My smile grew, my mischievous side fighting for attention.

"What," I asked, smiling innocently. "This?" I tangled my fingers in Zac's hair again, this time tugging lightly. This time, instead of a moan, a low, primal growl rumbled from Zac's lips, and I gasped as I felt it in my chest.

"Yes. That," Zac said slowly, a bit breathless. "You know... _exactly_... what you're doing." 

"I'm sorry. I'll stop." The fun was replaced by guilt and shame, and I pulled my hand back slowly.

"I didn't say that." I barely heard Zac's words as I looked away, my cheeks burning. What was I thinking? Was I that twisted? 

"Taylor..." My eyes followed his hand as it reached for mine. I lifted my gaze to meet his, and saw my own tumultuous mix of emotions reflected back at me. Confusion, fear, hesitation, but also excitement, and an undeniable touch of lust.

"Don't, um... don't stop," Zac whispered. I closed my eyes, swallowing hard, feeling my hands tremble. This was all happening so fast, and I didn't know how to process it.

"Don't stop... what... exactly?" My voice shook as much as my hands, my eyes remaining closed; I couldn't bear to look at Zac, for fear of what it would do to me.

"What... what you were doing to me." His voice wavered, giving me some comfort that at least he was as afraid and unsure as I was. I took a deep breath, finally meeting his eyes again. I reached over, burying my fingers once again in his silky chocolate waves. He softly smiled, purring almost instantly. I felt my own smile returning, as I stroked his hair again and again, loving the feel of it.

"Tay?" he asked. "What're you smiling about?" I hadn't been thinking of anything in particular, but a memory ghosted across my mind, making me grin a bit wider.

"Just... remembering." My mind was on our very first chat, the one that had started it all. And the intimacy, the actions that had set this whole mess in motion, had started with me stroking his hair. I felt myself blush a little, as I tugged his hair gently. He moaned softly, and I had to draw a breath.

"I guess it's... different... than you imagined," Zac said quietly.

"A bit," I chuckled. I'd certainly never imagined I'd be sitting here stroking my younger brother's hair, making him... moan...

"Sorry," he said, laughing lightly.

"Don't be." My hand fell a bit, massaging the back of his neck; I knew he always carried his stress there, and not surprisingly, his muscles were like steel. He purred again, and I smiled; if I could at least make him feel a little better, maybe this wouldn't be such a disaster.

"But I'm not what you expected, I guess. Not that I imagined... you..." Zac trailed off, and I nodded. I moved down to his shoulders, trying to ease at least some of the physical pain. He sighed contentedly, so I supposed whatever I was doing was helping.

"But, you were imagining someone, so..." Again he trailed off, his smile falling to a frown; he tried to look away, but I reached for his chin, turning him to face me.

"What?" I knew there was more he wanted to say, or at least more he was thinking. And if I'd learned anything, it was that he had a tendency to bottle things up.

"Someone... better than me. Hotter than me. Someone with less of the same DNA," he hastily added, but the second to last comment grabbed my attention.

"Zac... the person I was picturing doesn't exist, so it doesn't matter." He blinked at me, tilting his head.

"Well, just because his name isn't Sam..." The tone of his voice was almost indignant, but more child-like, and it made me smile.

"That's not what I meant. I just meant, the mental image."

"Oh," he said simply.

"Actually," I started, but stopped myself, letting out a sigh. He was uncomfortable enough as it was; I didn't need to add to it. I looked away, wishing I could take back that word.

"What?" I stared at the floor, picking at my jeans. Maybe I could tell him...

"You... you're actually..." I bit my lip harder, feeling my cheeks burning. I felt a hand under my chin, lifting my face, and was caught by Zac's inquisitive stare.

"What, Tay?" My eyes darted between his, but there was no escaping them. 

"Hotter." I tried pathetically to hide my answer in a cough, looking away as soon as the word left my lips. My face was on fire as I pulled it from Zac's soft grip, chewing my lip so hard I expected to taste blood.

"Oh."

 

**Zac**

“Am I?” I asked, blinking.

Surely I hadn't heard him right. Taylor couldn't possibly have just said I was hot. He didn't answer me, just nodded and looked away. I could see a hint of a smile on his face, even though he was obviously trying to keep me from seeing it. His hands seemed to find their way to my back all on their own, despite his obvious embarrassment.

“Mmm... Tay...” The words seemed to come out of my mouth all on their own. I couldn't help reacting to his touch.

“Yeah?”

“You're hotter than what I imagined, too,” I admitted, blushing and biting my lip as soon as the words left my mouth. I couldn't believe I'd actually said it. It was true, though. The guy I had imagined, from those pictures, was beautiful, but he wasn't real. Taylor was.

“Oh...” Taylor replied, his smile growing wider and turning into a smirk. He squeezed my shoulder lightly. “You know... isn't this how things got started the first time?”

“Umm,” I replied, blushing as I recalled that first conversation with Jordan – no, with him. With Taylor. I had let slip that having my hair touched was a huge turn-on, and things had spiraled out of control in a way that was more amazing than anything I could have imagined. “I think so.”

“Something like...” he murmured, moving behind me and kneeling. He placed his hands on my shoulders, rubbing them both. “This?”

“Mmm... I think so...”

Taylor's hands slowed down, then stopped completely. I waited for a second, hoping I was just imagining it, or that he was just pausing. When it became obvious that he wasn't starting back, I managed to stutter out, “What... why...”

“Zac... maybe...” he stuttered back, pulling his hands away completely.

I spun around to face him. I couldn't let him just stop. This felt too good, too perfect, even if it should have felt wrong. “What. Maybe what?”

Taylor looked away nervously. I knew he had to be thinking that this was wrong, that he shouldn't be touching me. But I wanted him to touch me, and I didn't care that it was wrong. I brushed his hair back and ran my hand across his cheek, just to test it. It felt just as good to touch him. “Tay... what is it?”

Taylor shivered. God, he looked beautiful. Part of my brain was screaming at me that this was so wrong, but I was finding that I just didn't care at all. So what if he was my brother? I had, unknowingly, already seen a side of him that I should have never seen. I didn't know how to go back from that. I didn't know how to stop feeling what I felt for him. His eyes fell closed, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I leaned forward and kissed him, gently. He gasped and I could feel his eyelashes fluttering, but he didn't move. He seemed to be in shock and I suddenly regretted kissing him. How could I possibly think Taylor wanted that, too? I pulled back, my lip quivering as I anticipated his angry, disgusted reaction. “I'm sorry...”

His eyes fell closed again and he pressed his lips tightly together. He was shaking, and it scared me. He didn't look angry, though. I didn't know what to think. Finally, he looked at me, reaching out to touch my cheek and smiling sadly.

“Tay...” I gasped out, shivering at his touch.

He leaned forward, stopping just short of my lips. Was he going to--but no, he stopped himself. Taylor had more self control than I did. Or maybe he didn't really want it. I was finding that hard to believe, though. “Zac...” he breathed out, his lips so close to mine that I could almost feel the word.

I lost all restraint. I needed him. Every inch of my body was crying out for him, and I didn't care how pathetic I sounded. “Oh god, Taylor... please...”

He whimpered. He actually whimpered, and before I had time to register just how wonderful of a sound it was, he pressed his lips to mine. It felt amazing. I didn't want it to ever end, and I needed more. I tangled my hands in his hair, pulling him closer to me. Taylor's hands found their way to my hair, too. He whimpered against my mouth, his tears falling between us and wetting both of our cheeks.

My heart leaped when I realized he was crying. Although I hated to end the kiss, I pulled back and instinctively reached my hand out to wipe his tears away. “Umm, Tay...”

He kept his eyes closed shut. “Yeah...”

“I'm not sure tears are the desired effect here,” I said, chuckling. Leave it to me to make a joke during a serious moment. It was a problem of mine, especially when I was dealing with emotions I didn't want to – or couldn't – handle.

To my relief, Taylor laughed. He finally looked at me, his lip shaking as more tears gathered at the corner of his eyes. When he finally spoke, his voice was shaking. “I'm... I'm scared.”

“Me too,” I admitted, nodding. No one had ever made me feel this way, feel this much, before. It was all happening so fast – admitting I was gay, falling in love, then finding out it had been Taylor. Yet, somehow, the feelings weren't gone. They had only intensified.

“Zac... we can't...” he stuttered, then swallowed hard.

I knew what he meant, but I just couldn't find it in myself to agree. “Well, we probably shouldn't.”

“Zac, when you were... I mean, when we were...” He closed his eyes again, trying to calm his breathing. Finally, he looked up at me again. “Was it real?”

“Was what real?” I asked. I thought I knew what he meant, but I had to be sure. How could he be asking me that? Didn't it still feel real to him, too?

“What you... what we felt... was any of it real?”

“What I felt,” I said slowly. “That was real.”

He looked down, nodding slowly. Had I said the wrong thing? Maybe he didn't still feel it, too. I was scared to know, but at the same time, I had to ask. I ran my fingers through his hair, watching as he shivered at my touch. “What about you?”

“Y-yeah... it was... real,” he replied, moaning a little at my touch.

“Oh fuck,” I said in spite of myself. That little moan had sent a shock wave through my entire body. “Did you just... moan?”

Taylor blushed, dropping his head further.

“That's... really hot.”

He looked up slowly. The look in his eyes spurred me on, and I ran my fingers through his hair a little more firmly. Taylor's eyes fell closed yet again and he bit his lip so hard I thought he might draw blood. I wanted to lean in and kiss him again, but I tried to contain myself. “Taylor...”

“Mhm?”

Curiosity got the best of me. I tugged on his hair, dying to see what sort of reaction that would elicit in real life. A moan slipped past his lips. I couldn't stop myself from moaning in response, a shudder wracking my body.

“It was real, Tay...” I said. It wasn't a question, but it was. I just had to be sure. I had to know that he agreed.

He nodded, glancing away. I was tired of it. I needed him to look at me and stop pretending like if he couldn't see me, he didn't have to face whatever it was he was feeling. I tangled both of my hands in his hair and turned his head to face me. He whimpered again.

“Fuck, that's hot, too,” I admitted.

His eyes were wide and scared, but I didn't care. I leaned in, my eyes open, and kissed him again, my hands still firmly in his hair. I had to watch this and I had to make Taylor watch it, too. I had to make this real. Taylor whimpered against my lips again, and I feared he was doing to pull away, but he didn't. He kissed me back. That gave me a little confidence boost, and I slipped my tongue between his lips, curious to see what he would do then. He moaned, his hands winding into my hair. I couldn't stop the small purr that escaped from my lips.

Taylor pulled back, panting. “God, Zac...”

“Yeah?” I asked, unsure what he was thinking. Was he upset? Turned on? Both? I had no clue.

His lip quivered and he stared into my eyes. I didn't know what he was looking for, but I knew what he was going to find and I hoped like hell that it didn't scare him away. He swallowed hard. “Zac... that was all... really you?”

“Yes, it was all really me...” I replied, unsure why he still needed to ask. Did he think I was lying to him? Did he still think my feelings weren't real? I didn't know what more I needed to do to prove it to him. He nodded slowly, so I continued, “More of me than I've let anyone else see.”

“Same here,” he replied.

“Aside from, umm, the name... it was all true,” I said.

“All of it?”

“Yeah,” I replied, knowing there was no going back now. I swallowed hard, nodding. I had come this far; I had to tell him everything. Even if it scared him away, I had to tell him. “All of it.”

“So, when you said...” he began, then paused to take a deep breath.

I stared at him, waiting. I thought I knew what he meant, but he seemed to need a little prodding. “When I said...?”

He turned bright red again, clearing his throat and looking away. “About, umm, h-how you... you felt...”

That was what I thought he meant. And since he asked, I felt compelled to tell him. “That was true, too.”

“And... now?” He asked, slowly meeting my eyes.

“Umm,” I replied, my resolve wavering just a little under his intense stare. But I couldn't lie to him. I just couldn't. I thought back to everything I had said to him before I knew it was him. “I told you it wouldn't change if I met you.”

Taylor blushed even brighter red. “...But?”

“But nothing,” I replied simply. I didn't know how else to make it any clearer that, despite the fact that I knew they should have, my feelings hadn't changed.

Taylor let out a breath. I could tell he was shocked by what I had said and I braced myself for his reaction. He shook his head a bit. “Zac... you don't mean...”

“What else could I possibly mean?”

“But... no,” he replied, his breathing speeding up.

I couldn't bear to see him getting upset with me. I didn't know how to make this better. I couldn't change my feelings, and I didn't want to take them back. But if that was what Taylor wanted, then I would try. I blinked back a few tears and said, “I... I'm sorry.”

Taylor gasped slightly, reaching out to wipe my tears away. “Zac, I mean... we're... we can't...”

“Yeah, I'm aware,” I replied, my words more harsh than I intended. My brain had been screaming at me forever, telling me all the reasons why this shouldn't, couldn't, be, but I just didn't care about any of them. The want, the need, I felt for Taylor only seemed to grow by the second. I couldn't fight it, but I didn't want to scare him away. In the hopes of lightening the tension between us, I laughed softly and said, “There goes your argument about how we barely know each other.”

Taylor laughed lightly. “Yeah...”

I laughed a little louder, the irony of the whole situation finally hitting me. Another tear fell as I realized just how absurd it was. Taylor leaned forward and licked the tear from my cheek, his tongue burning hot against my flesh and his lips impossibly soft as he kissed the same spot. I moaned loudly, unable to hide my desire. “God, Taylor... please...”

Taylor bit his lip. “Please what, Zac?”

“Was it... real for you, too? Did you mean it...” I was terrified to know the answer, but I had to ask. I had to know if it was real for him, too.

He closed his eyes as a few tears slipped out. “Yes...”

“What about... now?” I asked, echoing his words to me.

Taylor shook, more and more tears falling. He hung his head and my heart fell. I sniffled, “Oh.”

“I said... I meant...” he stuttered out.

“What?” I asked, shaking. I knew what he had said, could remember every single word, but I had no clue what it all meant. Had he really meant any of it?

He whispered. “Yours... all of me.”

“Tay...” I replied, a few more tears falling as I realized what he meant. I couldn't help grinning. “Can you say that a little louder?”

He looked up silently, his eyes wide and pleading. It was absolutely the most adorable thing I had ever seen and it tugged at my heartstrings. “Oh god, Tay... I'm yours, too.”

Taylor stared at me wordlessly, a few more tears falling. He looked so incredibly scared, and I just wanted to make it better, but I didn't know how. I grabbed him and held him tight, hoping that I could somehow take away some of his pain.

He shivered. “Zac...”

“Yes?”

“Are you... sure?”

He still had to ask? I just didn't know how much clearer I could make this. “Yes... absolutely.”

Taylor took a deep breath. “Tell me.”

I didn't need to ask what he wanted me to say. I knew what he wanted and I knew I had to say it. “I love you, Taylor.”

 

**Taylor**

Nothing could have prepared me for the surge of emotion that crashed over me at those words. A sob ripped its way out of me as I buried my face in Zac's shoulder, holding him tightly. I felt him gently rubbing my back, soothing me as I shook.

"I think we may need a signal for when these are sad tears or happy tears," he chuckled, and I pulled back, sniffling.

"What if they're both?" I asked weakly, smiling a tiny bit.

"As long as they're not 'I hate you, Zac, get away from me' tears, then I'm good." We both laughed, holding each other.

"No. No, they're not." I pulled back, looking into Zac's eyes; they glistened with his own tears, as he fought to contain them. I touched his cheek, brushing my thumb against the smooth skin, and sighed.

"I love you, Zac," I breathed. The words felt so strange, and yet they resonated with truth. He let out a deep breath, and I understood how he felt. "But... how are we... I mean, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "I guess you were right. That we could never really be together..." Zac's words sliced into me, and I had to choke back another sob. How could my emotions go so high, then fall so low, all in a matter of seconds?

"Zac..."

"I mean, I'll never get to tell anyone that you're my... my..." He began to lose his battle, his voice getting lost in the struggle to keep his own tears at bay.

"Oh, God," I breathed, pulling him close. I needed to feel him in my arms, even if it would only be for a short while. _Especially_ if it would only be for a short while.

"God, it's crazy of me to think you'd even _want_ to be my... my boyfriend," he mumbled into my shoulder. I immediately pulled back, my eyes on his.

"Why would you say that?" I hissed, more hurt than angry. After what we'd just admitted, how could he think I would want anything else?

"Because... we're brothers? And you... you could do so much... better." 

"Better?" I gasped. "Better _how_?"

"Less married, in the closet, sharing the same DNA, would be a good start, I'd imagine," he chuckled, but I wouldn't let him play this off.

"Zac, I... I don't _want_ better."

"But..."

"But...?" I shot back.

"You mean... you want to be... with me?" The disbelief in his voice both hurt me, and touched me in the most endearing way, and I felt myself blush yet again.

"If... if you still want me." I wasn't sure if he would; even with what he said, I couldn't bring myself to believe it. I wasn't anything special, worth wanting. 

"Oh god, of course I do." I let out a sigh of relief, feeling silly for doubting him.

"So...?" I asked, letting myself smile finally.

"So what?" he replied, smiling weakly and wiping his eyes. I felt like my cheeks would never cool off; I looked away shyly for a moment, then looked back at Zac, drawing strength and courage from the love I saw.

"Would you want to be... my boyfriend?" I asked quietly, holding my breath. Zac giggled, his nose scrunching in the most adorable way.

"I thought you'd never ask." He pounced on me suddenly, knocking us both back onto the floor. "Of course I do," he breathed, kissing my burning cheek. I held him tightly, laughing and sighing happily. I reached up, stroking his hair again, drawing another purr from him.

"That really is adorable, you know," I said softly.

"Is there any part of me you _don't_ find adorable?" he asked, grinning smugly. I giggled, kissing the tip of his nose.

"Nope. Well, actually..."

"Yeah?"

"There is one part that I wouldn't exactly describe as 'adorable'," I said, smirking.

"Oh? What part?" He smiled down at me, his innocent smile almost convincing. I smirked a bit more, rolling my hips up against his; he moaned softly, his eyes rolling back.

"God, Tay, I've been hard forever..."

"Yeah? Since when?" The lust in my voice was obvious, surprising me a bit.

"Um," he started, turning red. "Since we were fighting... and I had you pinned."

"Oh," I said softly, blushing harder. But then the details of that part of our fight came back to me, my face scrunching in confusion. "But... you still thought..."

"Yeah," Zac said, shrugging. "It just happened. Mind of it's own, I guess."

"I guess..." I stared up at him, struck again by how beautiful he was. I leaned up, planting a gentle kiss on the side of his neck; he moaned quietly, spurring me on. I rested my hands on his hips, nibbling at his skin.

"Oh god, Tay, you already know everything I like," he moaned. I blushed, nodding a bit; it was beyond strange, knowing my brother's turn-ons, but I tried to remind myself, this was Sam. Sam, who I'd gotten off with countless times. Sam, who I was in love with.

"That might be kind of embarrassing if it didn't feel so damn good," Zac breathed, chuckling a bit.

"Do you want me to stop?" I doubted it, but I wanted, _needed_ to be sure.

"No, not at all." I looked up at Zac, searching his eyes. "You know this is my first time, though. Besides... what we did online."

"I know," I said softly, caressing Zac's cheek. I opened my mouth to speak, but heard footsteps approaching the door to the office. "Shit!" Zac and I scrambled to our feet, doing our best to look as normal as possible. I straightened my shirt, throwing myself into my chair just as one of our interns stepped into the room. I looked up nervously, but he barely gave me a nod as he continued into one of the side rooms, closing the door behind him.

"So, that was close," Zac laughed nervously. I nodded, running a shaking hand through my hair.

"Maybe we should... go somewhere," I suggested. 

"Good idea," Zac nodded, standing. 

"Right. Okay." I stood on mostly steady legs, packing up my laptop.

"So, where should we go?" Zac asked, packing his own things. I wracked my brain; I didn't feel like it was right to go back to my house, where my family was... The thought of my wife and children chilled me, and I immediately pushed it to the recesses of my mind.

"Um, I'd say a motel, but that sounds so..."

"Sleazy?" Zac finished, smirking. I laughed nervously, nodding.

"Yeah..."

"Well what about my garage? My little art studio, you know... I've got a couch out there." I smiled a bit, as I remembered 'Sam' telling me about his little hideout. It was perfectly poetic, that that would be where we talked about everything.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"Okay." Zac nodded once, and I followed him out of the studio. My nerves were shot and my heart was exhausted, but it was far too late to even consider turning back. Not that I would want to, if given the choice.


	13. Chapter 13

**Taylor**

A short while later, I followed Zac into his garage, through a door I'd forgotten existed, and up a small flight of stairs. There was another door there, which Zac unlocked, his hands fumbling with the keys a bit. He looked about as nervous as I felt, which was strangely comforting.

"So, here it is," he said as he finally got the door open, stepping inside. I looked around; it was bigger than it looked from the outside. There wasn't much furniture, other than a worn couch and a scratched up coffee table, and a mini-fridge in one corner. There were a couple of easels set up, and paintings of various levels of completion strewn across the floor and walls. There was a small bathroom through a door on the far wall, and a large window directly across from the door. It felt homey, and comfortable, and undeniably Zac.

"This is really nice."

"It's kind of a mess," Zac said apologetically, but I shook my head, laughing lightly.

"I've seen worse."

"I guess," Zac shrugged, sitting on the edge of the couch nervously. "I've been spending... a lot of time out here." I smirked, sitting next to him, a somewhat comfortable distance between us.

"Mostly at night?" I teased.

"It's when I'm most creative," he chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I laughed, blushing a bit, as my eyes traveled from one unfinished painting to the next.

"Wow. You really have been creative."

"I guess... You know I'm always a bit ADD with the paintings, though."

"Yeah," I said quietly, standing and walking over to one of the easels. The image was a dull, grey landscape, with an old computer in the middle; through the monitor was the same landscape, but different, full of color and life. The meaning was obvious, and my breath caught in my throat.

"This is..." I couldn't bring myself to ask, even though I knew the answer.

"Yeah," Zac pouted, looking down. "It's not that good." I turned to look at him fully.

"It's beautiful," I corrected him. 

"If you say so," he mumbled. I sat next to him, a bit closer, knowing that now I had to hear him say it.

"Zac, was that... for..."

"Yeah," he admitted, nodding slowly. "It was for you." I bit my lip hard, feeling my eyes water again. I reached out, touching his cheek.

"I love it," I breathed. Zac smiled a bit, leaning into my touch.

"I'm glad." 

"That's... how it felt, wasn't it?" I whispered. " _Isn't_ it?" I knew it was how it felt for me; over the time I'd gotten to know 'Sam', I'd felt more alive talking to him, sitting on my computer at two in the morning, than I felt in broad daylight.

"Yeah," he said quietly, nodding. "Tay?" he asked, moving a bit closer. I smiled at him softly, running my fingers through his hair again. I didn't think I'd ever get tired of that feeling; the realization made me blush again, and I heard Zac laugh lightly.

"All that blushing is killing me, Tay," he quietly laughed, and I smiled, biting my lip. He brushed his fingers against my cheek, then over my lips; I kept my eyes trained on his as I gently kissed the calloused tips. He smiled, moving his hand behind my neck and pulling me into a kiss, both of us whimpering. My hands wound in his hair, making him moan; he flicked his tongue out, deepening the kiss as I nipped at his lips.

"God, Zac," I breathed, leaning my forehead against his, gasping for air. "I..."

"Yeah?" he replied softly, just as breathless. 

"I... I want..."I swallowed hard, grasping for the courage to admit what I was feeling.

"Tay, what is it?" His eyes burned into mine. I let out a shaky breath, whispering against his lips the words that I finally allowed myself to accept.

"I want you."

 

**Zac**

Hearing those words come out of his mouth made me shiver. I had never known I wanted to hear him say that, but now that I had, I was quite certain it was the best combination of words ever to come from his mouth. “God... I want you, too.”

He kissed my neck gently. I could see and feel his hesitance, and I wanted him to know it was okay. Not knowing what to say, I just moaned and ran my hands up and down his back in what I hoped was an encouraging manner. Taylor pressed his teeth against my skin, not quite breaking it but definitely biting. I couldn't help responding to that. “Tay... fuck...”

He laughed against my neck, the vibration sending a chill through my body, and bit down on my shoulder. I couldn't help whimpering. His lips moved against my skin as he said, “Zac.. this is...”

“Yeah?”

Taylor looked up sheepishly. “This feels... strange.”

I frowned. Was he trying to back out? If either of us had any sense of decency or morals left, then surely we would stop. But I don't think I could have lived with myself if I let him end it. I needed this, needed him.

“But,” he continued, “not bad.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied, feeling a little bit of relief. I could still see the doubt and confusion on Taylor's face.

“It's just, you imagine something so much, and then when it really happens...”

That did little to soothe my worries. Had I disappointed him already? Aside from the shocking revelation of who I was, I hadn't really had a chance to screw things up, yet. But maybe that was enough.

He leaned in and kissed me, smoothing my frown away. “...it's so much better than you ever dreamed.”

“Yeah... yeah it is,” I said with a sigh. Still, I could see his brows furrowing. He wasn't done with this train of thought, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he still wanted this.

“It's just, knowing that you're... you. I guess I'm still adjusting.”

I nodded. I could understand that, I supposed. After all, I too had to deal with the fact that the man I loved was actually my brother. It was almost impossible to believe that the man behind all those wonderful words was really Taylor, but at the same time, it made a strange sort of sense.

“I had it in my head for so long that there was you, Zac, and then there was Sam. So, trying to put the two together...” He tilted his head to the side, his eyes narrowing a bit. “It's just weird, you know? Isn't it weird for you?”

“Of course it is,” I replied. It was weird beyond belief, in fact. Everything seemed to be happening so fast – I had only barely come to terms with my sexuality, only just fallen in love, and now here it all was in front of me, in the form of my brother. “I mean, I've never even kissed another guy before. God, I don't even know what I'm doing. Not really.”

Taylor tilted his head further, smiling. “That's what's weird about this?”

“Well, that's part of it.” And it was, at the moment, the scariest part. Whatever I felt for Jordan, for Taylor, whatever, it was too late to pretend that wasn't real. It was too late to pretend I didn't want it. But I had never even done it offline.

Taylor nodded, seeming to understand all that I had left unsaid. “But, I'm sure you pictured doing this with... with Jordan.”

“Yeah...” I replied, waiting for him to continue.

“And even though I'm Jordan, I'm also Tay, your brother. Who you've known your whole life. So it's just... it still feels like two people, you know?”

He bit his lip as he waited for me to reply. I wasn't sure what to say. It did, in a way, feel like two people. But I was sure that in time, it wouldn't. It would be okay. It would make sense. It just had to. Finally, I replied, “Yeah, in a way.”

“I guess this is just going to take some getting used to. I mean, I never thought of you, the real you, like that. You have to believe me, Zac.”

“You mean, sexually?” I asked, blushing. I was pretty sure I knew that was what he meant, but I just had to ask. I needed all of this spelled out for me, to make it make sense.

Taylor blushed as well. “Yeah.”

“Well, I did notice how flustered you got when I tried to talk to you earlier,” I replied, laughing softly. Things had changed so much that it seemed that conversation was days ago, rather than hours. I realized Taylor was still staring at me, waiting for me to say something else. “You know I never thought about you like that, either.”

“I guess that's why this is so...” he began, then trailed off. He began again, seeming to take a different approach. “I mean, mentally I want to. And physically, too. But it's just... I look at you, and I remember what you looked like as a kid, and it's just so strange to want you like that. You're still my little brother.”

“I guess,” I replied. I knew he was right, but I didn't want to hear it. “Not that little anymore, though.”

Taylor smirked. “No, not from what you've told me.”

I glanced down, blushing, and mumbled, “Well... that wasn't a lie, either.”

“Really?”

I looked up slowly. “Really.”

Taylor looked down shyly. “I wasn't lying, either.”

I couldn't help looking down. It was a natural reaction. My eyes traveled up and down the length of Taylor's body, seeing him in an entirely new light. It wasn't as though I hadn't ever noticed that my brother was insanely good looking. It was just another one of the ways in which I didn't measure up. Now, though, maybe it didn't matter.

He laughed nervously and cleared his throat. “So, umm...”

“Yeah?” I asked, finally managing to tear my eyes off his body.

“Would it be weird if I... if I thought of you... as Sam? Just... just this once.” He didn't meet my eyes until he managed to stutter out each word.

“Umm,” I said, absolutely stunned. It wasn't weird, but it definitely wasn't okay. Didn't he want me? Why was he here with me, if some imaginary person was what he really wanted? But if I told him no, he couldn't call me Sam, I feared he might walk out. I couldn't bear the thought of that. I needed him, and I knew that I would do whatever he asked, if it meant I could have him. “Yeah, I guess that's okay.”

“It'll make it a little easier,” he said, swallowing hard.

“Okay,” I replied, my voice sounding small and weak. I was sure he saw through me.

He looked into my eyes. “I don't want you to think I don't want you.”

So he did see through me. I nodded. “I know...”

“I just...” he said, laughing nervously. “I've started to feel more myself as Jordan than I do as Taylor.”

“Yeah... I know what you mean.”

“I've been so honest with you, online. Well, except the name,” he said, laughing again.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Thank you,” he replied. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then opened them again. His entire demeanor seemed to change; he was even smiling.

I returned his smile hesitantly. He didn't seem to notice that, though. He brushed his hand over my cheek and I stared into his eyes, waiting for his next move. I'm sure he noticed that I was shaking a little, but he cupped my face in his hands anyway, and barely brushed his lips against mine.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you, too,” I replied.

Taylor whimpered, then took a shaky breath. “Can you... say...”

His eyes were pleading with me, but I didn't know what he wanted. “What?”

He closed his eyes and mumbled. “Name...”

My stomach turned. I had agreed to it, though, so I had to do it. It was what he wanted. “Oh... Jordan.”

Taylor moaned, his lips finding mine again and kissing me more deeply than before. I didn't really understand why that name had such an effect on him, but I wasn't going to ask. Instead, I moaned into his mouth, wrapping my arms around him. It wasn't enough, though. I needed more of him, and soon I was clutching fistfuls of his shirt in my hands.

He gripped my hair in one hand and the back of my shirt in the other. I couldn't help moaning again, and that seemed to spur him on more. His mouth moved down to my neck, kissing and biting at my flesh. “Sam...”

I moaned again, somewhat in spite of myself. “Jordan...”

He leaned me back against the couch, laying between my legs. I bit my lip in anticipation, willing to let him guide me along. He pulled at the neck of my shirt, kissing and nipping at the small patch of my shoulder revealed to him. A purr escaped my mouth and my hips rolled up against him all on their own. Taylor stared down at me, his eyes so full of emotion that it scared me a little. He touched my face gently, but it was enough to make me whimper.

Taylor's hands continued on, running under my shirt and pushing it off. I could see that he was shaking and I was as well. I knew, rationally, that Taylor had seen me shirtless before and wasn't going to run away scared. But I still felt so exposed and unattractive. I fought the urge to frown. “Please...”

He ran his hands up and down my sides, staring into my eyes. If he was disgusted with what he saw, I couldn't tell. “Please what?”

“Just... please don't stop.” It wasn't what I intended to say, but it seemed appropriate. It seemed to do the trick, too, because Taylor just smiled and kissed me on the mouth again, then trailed his lips down my chest. He was moving ridiculously slow and I didn't know if I could stand such torture.

“You are such a tease,” I said, growling.

“That...” Taylor said, eyes wide and blushing. “Umm, wow.”

I couldn't help giggling at the way he kept blushing. “How come I'm the virgin, yet you're doing all the blushing?”

Taylor stared at me for a second, then burst out into laughter. His head fell against my chest as his body heaved with laughter. I stroked his hair gently, my own laughs a little softer. He sighed and smiled up at me, purring softly.

“Why was I not aware you did that, too?”

He tilted his head for a second, then shrugged and smiled sheepishly. “I didn't know, either, until just now.”

“Well, you're right. It is hot.”

Taylor turned even brighter red, averting his eyes from me and kissing my chest again. His lips trailed down even further, brushing against my stomach. Finally he looked back up at me. “So's that growl.”

“What, this one?” I asked, then growled. I didn't think it was that special, but he shivered and his eyes fluttered shut so I guess he disagreed.

“Yes... that one.”

“Just making sure,” I replied with a grin.

Taylor smirked up at me, then bit down on my side, sinking his teeth into the flesh over my ribs. I hissed out a curse at the feel of it. Taylor stared up at me, licking the spot. “Anyone ever tell you you're sexy when you swear?”

“Umm, no, I don't think so.”

“Well, you are.”

I giggled. It was a strange observation to make, but I wasn't going to complain if Taylor found something attractive about me. “If you say so.”

“You're cute when you giggle, too,” he replied, sliding back up my body and kissing the tip of my nose.

Leave it to Taylor to be so sappy and emotional right then. That stuff had a time and place, but right then I would have preferred a little more action. I smiled sweetly at Taylor and asked, “What about when I do this?” I rolled my hips up against his as I said it.

“Fuck!” He cried out, arching his back and gripping my hair.

“Hmm... interesting,” I replied with a smirk.

He glared down at me, then leaned down and bit my neck – hard. I growled again, running my hands down his sides and hooking my fingers into his belt loops. I rolled my hips up again. Taylor moaned out, “Fuck... Sam.”

I tried to ignore his words and only focus on his actions. Taylor's hand crept down my side, finally coming to rest on my thigh. I could feel it shaking as he looked up at me nervously. I stared into his eyes, pleading with him, but it didn't seem to have an effect. Finally, I said, “Please, Jordan.”

That did the trick. He closed his eyes and bit his lip as he moved his hand across my leg until it came to rest on my dick. His eyes popped wide open and he looked at me in surprise.

“I said I wasn't lying...” I gasped out, the words punctuated with a moan.

“You weren't,” he replied, his voice breathy. Hesitantly, he gripped my dick.

His touch was gentle but it was enough to make me whimper. No other touch – not my own, not Kate's, not my imagined version of this very moment – measured up to the real thing. I wanted to tell him that, but I could only manage to say, “Oh God.”

He began rubbing me slowly, his lips finding mine again and kissing me impossibly gently. I moaned against his lips and thrust up into his hands, trying to encourage him. He gripped me harder, moaning, and leaned his forehead against mine. Staring into my eyes, he said, “Please... I need...”

“What? Tell me.”

He stopped moving his hand and grabbed mine, placing it on his leg. “Please, Sam.”

“Of course,” I replied. While I still didn't care for the name, I found his shyness kind of sexy. I slid my hand between his legs, finding his erection and cupping it in my hands. “You weren't lying either.”

Taylor shook his head, his hips bucking against my hand. I gripped him tighter and stroked him slowly. I was dying for him to touch me again. The way he shook as his head fell against my chest only turned me on more. Finally he began to stroke me again, and I struggled to keep up my pace. The sensation was almost too much for me to handle, and we had barely started. “God... Jordan...”

He moved his hand down my leg, around to the back of my knee, up my thigh, and finally came to rest on my ass. He squeezed my ass lightly. “Sam...”

I whimpered. “Yeah?”

Taylor leaned down and kissed me, then whispered, “I want your mouth on me.”

“O-okay,” I replied.

He stared into my eyes. “Are you sure? We don't have to...”

“No, I'm sure,” I replied, though I was sure my blushing and stuttering said otherwise. “It's just.. umm... what if I'm not any good?”

Taylor stared down at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes. He crushed his lips against mine. After a moment, he broke the kiss and said, “I love you so much. Nothing you do could ever be anything but amazing.”

“Okay, if you say so,” I replied, smiling at the way he rubbed his nose reassuringly against mine. “I really do want to...”

Taylor smiled and kissed my nose. I couldn't help giggling, but his face was still full of concern. “Okay, just... if you want to stop, it's okay.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

He touched my face and kissed me gently. The loving look in his eyes told me it really was okay. Even if I hadn't done any of this before, at least outside of my very vivid imagination, it would be okay. Taylor loved me and he would love whatever I did. Knowing that gave me the confidence to wrap my arms around him, kiss him back, and gently push him backward. He took the hint and rolled onto his back, one hand in my hair and the other on my hip. I continued kissing him, running my hands under his shirt and only breaking the kiss to pull his shirt over his head.

He shivered at my touch and tangled his hands in my hair as soon as his shirt was off. I couldn't help purring as I kissed my way down the side of his face and neck, then hesitantly kissed his chest. Softly, he said, “Umm... sorry, about the umm... hair.”

I laughed a little. He was worried that would be a problem for me? Was he so deep into this Jordan and Sam roleplaying that he had forgotten that I had seen his chest a million times before, especially with the way he liked to wear his shirts half unbuttoned? If the sight of his hairy chest was going to bother me, it would have done so long ago. I glanced down at my own bare chest. “It's okay. At least you've got some.”

He smirked and ran a hand up and down my chest, making me shiver. “I don't mind, though.”

“And I don't mind, either,” I replied, running my hand through his chest hair and kissing my way down his side.

He giggled. “If you say so.”

I paused at his hip, placing a small kiss on it before I glanced back up at him. “I do. You're beautiful.”

Taylor turned bright red, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “No... no, I'm not. You are.”

I blinked. That wasn't at all the response I was expected. I knew Taylor wasn't as confident as he appeared, but I couldn't believe he would completely disagree with me. And he thought I was the beautiful one? It was almost too much to believe. “If you say so. But you are so beautiful.”

He shook his head, his eyes beginning to water a little.

“Jordan?”

He looked away, chewing on his lip. I bit down on his hip lightly. “Jordan.”

“S-Sam,” He said, sucking in a breath and rolling his hips lightly, finally meeting my eyes. “I'm not. I'm just me.”

“Yes. You are. You're gorgeous.” I couldn't believe we were actually arguing over this.

He laughed, a tear falling. “God, you're stubborn.”

I nipped at his hip again. “Yeah, and you love it.”

His eyes rolled back and his hips bucked up again. He nodded, looking at me again more seriously. “Yes. I do.”

I smiled. My confidence boosted a little by that, I slide my hands toward his waistband, willing them to stop shaking. They didn't, but I still managed to unbutton and unzip his pants.

He must have noticed my nervousness, because he placed one of his hands over mine. “You don't have to do this... if you're not ready.”

“No, I'm ready,” I replied, my voice a little shaky but determined. I wasn't going to come this far and not see it through. Absolutely not. Taylor stared at me for a moment, then nodded and returned his hand to my hair.

“Okay.”

I took a deep breath, then pushed Taylor's jeans down a little, just enough to reveal his erection to me. It was every bit as large as I expected, and kind of... beautiful. That was a strange word, I thought, to describe a dick, but I couldn't think of anything else more appropriate. I glanced up at him for reassurance, but he was blushing and looking away. Not knowing quite what else to do, I leaned down and tentatively licked the head.

“Fuck!” He threw his head back and gripped my hair hard. I couldn't help growling at the feeling of it and his body jumped underneath me. “Fuck, Sam.”

That seemed like a pretty good reaction, I thought. Still staring up at him, I licked the head again. His hips bucked up and he tugged at my hair. He looked absolutely gorgeous, and it turned me on so much to know I was causing all those reactions.

“Please... don't stop.”

I had absolutely no intention of stopping, not when he looked so amazingly erotic like that. I licked him from base to tip, then swirled my tongue around the tip. I only knew what felt good for me, but I hoped the same would work on him. His whole body began to tremble, so I knew I was doing something right. I watched the way he trembled and shook as I slowly closed my lips around him, taking a few inches at a time into my mouth.

Taylor groaned, and I could see his knuckles turning white as he gripped the edge of the couch. He still held my hair tightly and I couldn't help moaning around his cock as I swallowed more of it. It wasn't easy, exactly, but it felt way better than I could have imagined. Taylor mumbled incoherently beneath me, spurring me on. I wanted to see how far I could go. Finally, I felt him hit the back of my throat. I pulled back for a second, just to catch my breath, then dove back down onto him.

Taylor screamed out loud, his upper body lifting partway off the couch. It scared me a little, but I didn't think it was a bad reaction. And I certainly wasn't going to stop, not now that I had had a taste of him. I sucked his cock greedily. I wanted more. His hand slid up to rub up and down my back, then grasp my hip. I stared up at him, my head bobbing up and down as hard and fast as I could.

He slid his hand down to my ass and squeezed. “Sam... so good...”

I moaned around his cock again, vaguely aware that the vibrations probably felt really good. He squeezed my ass harder, his hips bucking upward and pushing his cock even further down my throat. I pulled back to catch my breath, panting hard. “God, Jordan.”

“Yeah, Sam?” He asked, breathless. “You like it?”

He had to ask? “Umm... yeah.”

“And you thought you wouldn't be good,” he replied, smirking as he gave my ass another squeeze.

I moaned, and in spite of myself, called out his name. “Jordan...”

He smirked and squeeze my ass again, slower and harder this time. “Do you like that?”

“Yeah...” I gasped out.

His hand traveled back a bit further, slipping between my legs and pressing gently. Even through my jeans and underwear, I could feel his fingers pressing against me. My eyes fluttered shut and I whimpered at the feel of it. It felt good, but it wasn't enough. “Jordan...”

“Yes, Sam?” he asked, pressing a bit harder against me.

I moaned. “God... please touch me.”

His eyes widened. “Are... are you sure?”

“Yes,” I replied, but I could still see his hesitance. Even though it pained me to do it, I knew how to get him to agree to it. “Please, Jordan.”

His eyes fell closed and he pulled me down for another kiss. He kissed me deeply, pulling back only as he began to unbutton and unzip my jeans. “Sam... god, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I replied.

He pushed my jeans and boxer briefs down over my hips, stopping when he could reach no further. I sat up and wiggled the rest of the way out of them, and he took the opportunity to kick his off as well. As soon as we were both naked, he grasped my shoulders and pulled me back down onto him, kissing me again. The feeling of our bodies pressed together, flesh against flesh, made me moan. It seemed every new feeling was so intense that I didn't know how I could ever cope with what was still left to come. I started to tremble. “Jordan... please...”

“Shh, it's okay, baby,” he murmured, rubbing my back. After a moment, he held two fingers up to my lips.

It took me a second to realize what he wanted. I darted my tongue out hesitantly, licking the tips of his fingers. Like everything else, it just wasn't enough. I sucked them into my mouth eagerly, swirling my tongue around them. Taylor moaned and rolled his hips up against me, our erections pressing together in the most wonderful way. “Fuck, Sam...”

I swirled my tongue around his fingers again, making sure they were completely coated, then pulled back. “Jordan...”

Taylor pressed his lips to mine before I had a chance to finish begging him again, but he already knew what I wanted. He reached his hand down, sliding it between my legs, just barely brushing up against my entrance. It was only the slightest touch, but it still made me whimper into his mouth.

He pulled back and stared at me intently, pressing his fingers up against me. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

I moaned at the slight pressure, then shook my head. “No. Please don't stop.”

“Okay, baby,” he replied with a nod. He pressed his fingers against me again, the tip of one just barely sliding into me. “God, Sam...”

I whimpered pathetically. It did hurt a little, but that feeling was quickly consumed by a wave of pleasure. “Fuck... Jordan...”

“Are you okay?” He asked, brushing my cheek with his other hand.

“Yes... please...” I couldn't manage any other words. There simply weren't any words that could adequately describe the need I felt, the wonderful ache building inside me.

He pushed more of his finger in, painfully slowly, until I felt his knuckles brushing against me. “Fuck, baby. So tight.”

“Oh god...” I gasped out.

Taylor leaned his forehead against mine. “You alright?”

“Fuck yes,” I replied.

He laughed lightly. “Good, huh?”

“So good,” I said. Even the times I had done this to myself couldn't have prepared me for this. It was better than anything I could have imagined.

He slid his finger almost all the way out, making me whimper, then pushed it back in quickly. He began to pump it in and out, building a delicious rhythm. A white hot heat was coursing through my body, and I couldn't focus on anything but that rhythm. “God... feels so good...”

Taylor ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my neck. The combination of sensations did nothing to quench my desire. I moaned loudly. “Jordan... more...”

He pulled back and looked into my eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” I reassured him.

Taylor bit his lip hard, and I knew he was afraid he would hurt me. But I didn't care if it did hurt. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything else. Slowly, he added a second finger, shaking nearly as hard as I was. “Oh fuck, Zac...”

I growled loudly at the sound of my name. _My_ name. Not some pretend person Taylor wished I was. No, that was my real name that had just left his lips along with the most delicious moan I had ever heard. It was the same name I had heard him say as million times before, but never like that. It seemed to echo through my body, only serving to intensify all the other new feelings happening to me.


	14. Chapter 14

**Taylor**

My eyes went wide as I realized what I'd said. My brother's name. My _brother's_. I heard Zac's growl as I slowed my hand, but my mind was buzzing, making it impossible to think, let alone move. My brother's name. I'd moaned my brother's name.

"Fuck... Please, don't stop," Zac begged. I looked into his eyes, seeing nothing but lust, and love. No shame.

"O-okay," I stammered, starting to thrust my fingers into him again, slowly. He pressed his face into my neck, trembling and moaning, the sound resonating through me. My eyes fluttered closed, as I let myself go, regaining my earlier pace.

"Z-Zac..." The name felt foreign to my tongue; I'd said it millions of times before, but never in this context, never with such unveiled need. The comforting veil of fantasy I'd wrapped myself in was being torn away, with every push of my hand, every roll of his hips. This wasn't Sam, some unknown stranger. This was Zac. My brother.

"God... Taylor," he whispered, and I moaned unexpectedly. The way my name rolled off his tongue, dripping with desire, was easily the most erotic thing I'd ever heard; my eyes rolled back as I moaned again, rolling my hips against his, aching for him.

"Do you want another?" I whispered in his ear, and he nodded eagerly.

"Oh God," he whimpered, "Yes." I nodded, pushing a third finger into him slowly; the heat and tightness were almost too much to bear, and I groaned in pleasure into his neck.

"Fuck! Taylor," he growled, his whole body shaking. I held still, letting him adjust, until I felt him squirming beneath me, his hips rocking against my hand. I picked up my pace, and he cried out, clawing at the couch beneath us. I lifted his face, locking eyes with his; I had to be sure this was okay, but his expression told me it was beyond that.

I crushed our mouths together, kissing him deeply, hungrily; I needed to taste every part of him, but it felt like I could never get enough. I thrust my fingers into him harder, our moans harmonizing in a beautifully erratic song. My body was shaking almost as badly as his as I closed my eyes, feeling on the edge of sensory overload.

"Fuck, Zac... I want to make love to you." The words tumbled from my lips before I could stop them, but Zac's breathy reply came before I had a chance to regret.

"Oh God, please... Yes. I want you, Tay." I could hardly believe what I'd heard, but the look in Zac's eyes was deadly serious. I moved to my side, switching our positions so that he was laying on his back, and I was kneeling between his legs. He stared up at me, with wide, fearful eyes, and doubt crept in.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," he answered quickly. I nodded once, lining myself up, lowering my face to his, brushing our lips together.

"I love you, Zac," I whispered, finally accepting the full truth of those words, 

"I love you, Taylor," he gasped, as I slid inside him. A loud moan escaped me as I pushed further, until our hips were pressed firmly together.

"Taylor... Oh, fuck, Tay," he cried out; both of us shook, my arms threatening to give out. I hadn't felt anything so good since... truthfully, I couldn't remember _ever_ feeling anything so good. It was so overwhelming, both physically and emotionally; I could only imagine how it felt for Zac, as he dug his nails into my back.

"You're so... so big... God, feels so good..." His breathless words made me blush harder, laughing nervously, somehow managing to ease some of the tension. I stared down at him, overcome with love, as I brushed my trembling fingers against his cheek.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered. "How did I never see it?"

"I don't know," he replied softly, blushing. "The same way I never noticed how beautiful you are, I guess." I turned away, smiling but embarrassed; no matter how many times people called me that, I could never seem to believe it.

"Hey," he said, drawing my attention. "A little late to be shy, don't you think?" He punctuated his words with a roll of his hips, and I groaned as pleasure shot through me like lightning. I sneered playfully down at him, beginning to slowly thrust into him. 

"That's... kinda hot," he laughed lightly in between moans. I smirked, gripping his hips tightly and increasing my pace. I let out a low growl, and he rolled his head back, whimpering and cursing under his breath. His hands clutched the sofa, and an idea struck me, something we'd tried in our chats. Slowly, my eyes trained on his, I wrapped my hands around his wrists, pinning them above his head.

"Is this... okay?"

 

**Zac**

“Yes,” I gasped out. “Fuck, it's more than okay.”

Taylor smirked and squeezed my wrists a bit, finally starting to thrust again. I moaned loudly, my eyes fluttering shut on their own. I wanted to look at Taylor, but it was all too intense. It felt incredible, amazing, wonderful – the English language simply didn't contain one single adjective that appropriately captured the feeling of Taylor's cock inside me.

He gripped my wrists harder, thrusting even faster into me. I could do nothing more than whimper, feeling impossibly full and stretched almost to my breaking point. Taylor shifted around a bit, wrapping one hand entirely around both wrists. His other hand traveled back to my hair, yanking my head roughly to the side and exposing my neck. He sank his teeth into my flesh and I screamed aloud. “Tay! Oh god, Tay...”

“Zac... fuck, Zac,” he cried out, and my name sounded every bit as wonderful on his lips as it had the first time. He pulled my head the other direction, sinking his teeth into that side of my neck, as he continued to drill into me. 

I could do nothing more than whimper his name over and over. I knew I sounded pathetic, but that was the least of my concerns. I only wanted this to go on forever, this pain and pleasure at Taylor's every thrust. He finally released my aching wrists, his hand falling down to stroke me with the same rhythm he was thrusting into me. He covered my neck and face with feather soft kisses, in sharp contrast to the rest of his motions. I growled loudly.

Taylor pressed his lips to mine, tears falling from his eyes onto my face. “Zac... oh god, Zac... I love you so fucking much, Zac.”

The words were so simple, barely strung together coherently considering how much he was panting, but they were beautiful. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, never wanting to let him go, and gasped out, “Taylor... I love you, too... so much.”

He gripped my hip tightly, thrusting into me even faster and pumping my dick at the same impossible pace. I could see him struggling to hold back his tears. “So close, baby.”

“Fuck, me too,” I replied, rolling my hips upward to match Taylor's pace. Our hips crashed together so hard that it almost hurt, but I didn't care. I was shaking all over, but I tried to hold on and keep up my part of the rhythm.

Taylor leaned his forehead against mine, his mouth hanging open and a tiny whimper falling out. I fought to keep my eyes open, needing to see Taylor's face. I had to watch. I moaned loudly, my eyes never leaving his. “Tay, I'm...”

“Come for me,” he whispered. “Come for me, my love.”

That was all it took to push me over the edge. I screamed aloud, my body shaking violently as I came all over both of our stomachs. I gasped and panted, “Taylor... fuck... I love you, Tay.”

Taylor slammed into me harder than ever before, and I could feel him shooting his own load into me, a stream of white hot heat that made me shake all over again. “I love you, Zac... fuck, I love you.”

He collapsed onto my chest, sobbing so hard his whole body was shaking. I was shaking, too, but his reaction still scared me a little. I ran my hand across his back, hoping it didn't scare him or bother him. “Taylor...”

He tangled his hands in my hair and buried his face in my neck, still crying. His lips vibrated against my skin as he mumbled, “Zac... I love you... so much it hurts... don't deserve you.”

The words came out all in a jumble, but I still understood what he meant and it made my heart ache. How could he even say that? If there was one of us who didn't deserve the other one, it definitely wasn't him. I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping to calm his tears a little. “Tay, don't say that. Please. You deserve better than me.”

“Zac, no,” he said, looking up at me and gently touching my face. He paused for a second, swallowing hard. “Remember what I said? I don't want better. I just want you.”

Even though his tears had slowed almost to a stop, that was enough to make me tear up. I tried to hide it, replying softly, “Tay... I just want you, too.”

Taylor laughed softly, a small smile finally forming on his face. He leaned up and kissed me gently. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He leaned his forehead against mine. “What are you thinking?”

“That I can't believe this is real,” I admitted, a few tears breaking free and falling down my face.

Taylor wiped the tears away, which did nothing to ease my trembling. “I know. But it is real, Zac.”

“I know,” I replied, whimpering as Taylor licked a tear from my cheek. “It's just... you, all of this – it's so much better than I imagined.”

Taylor blushed and looked away.

“I mean, not that I imagined you. You know what I mean. It's just... wow.”

He smiled, rolling to his side and leaning back against the couch. “I know. This was... a big step. For you, and for us. I want to know where your head is at.”

I stuttered a bit, trying to find the right way to begin describing all of the feelings in my head. There were just too many of them, and most I didn't even have the experience to give a name. Instead of trying to describe all of that, I fell back on my sense of humor, letting out a chuckle. “Well, there's a big part of me that really wants to just get up and do a happy dance right now.”

Taylor laughed, wrapping my arms tightly around me and rubbing my back.

“That was...” I began, the thought trailing off into another laugh. “That was amazing, Tay. Really.”

He blushed and looked away for a second, finally bringing his eyes back to me as he said, “Yeah, you were.”

It was my turn to blush then. “That's not what I meant.” 

He brushed a piece of hair from my eyes, his face turning serious. “Talk to me, Zac. I want to know everything.” He kissed my nose. “I always want to know what you're thinking from now on, okay?”

“I'll try,” I replied, nodding slightly. It had become so easy to discuss my feelings with him online, but I knew that wouldn't carry over into real life easily. Not when I could see him reacting to my words. I never talked about my feelings to anyone. But for him, I would try.

Taylor smiled and stroked my hair. “No more secrets. From either of us.”

“Okay,” I replied.

That seemed to satisfy him. He kissed me gently, then laid his head back down against my chest. During that moment of silence, I thought back over everything that had happened that afternoon. The fear of coming out to him was still fresh in my memory, as was the anger and humiliation I had felt when I realized Jordan was Taylor. But all of those feelings were dulled by the recollection of all that had happened since then. Despite my exhaustion, my spine still tingled a little when I replayed it in my mind. I could still feel each and every touch, every new sensation at Taylor's hands. 

I laughed softly, trying to will my libido into submission. “So... yeah, I'm definitely gay.”

“You think?” Taylor replied, laughing loudly.

“I think it's a safe assumption, don't you?” 

Taylor nodded, still giggling. “I'd say so.”

“God, I spent so long just ignoring those feelings,” I said, my laughter falling away into a sigh.

“I know, baby,” Taylor replied, rubbing my back soothingly. “But it's okay. It'll be okay.”

“It feels so good to finally let myself admit it and act on it. I couldn't have even imagined,” I said, laughing softly as I once again let myself get a little lost in the memory of just how good sex with Taylor had felt. “It's like... this huge weight off my shoulders.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I know how you feel, Zac.”

I looked up at him. How had I forgotten that I wasn't alone in this? Of course Taylor knew how I felt. He was going through nearly the same thing, wasn't he? Sheepishly, I replied, “Yeah... I guess you do.”

He tilted his head to the side for a second, obviously lost in thought. I knew better than to even try to guess where his mind had gone. “Zac... that friend. The one you said you used to think about....”

I blushed. Despite his stuttering, I knew exactly what he was referring to and I did not want to talk about it. Especially not right then. “Yeah?”

Taylor giggled. “You gonna tell me who?”

“Umm,” I replied, looking away from him. I had hoped he would let it go, but obviously I wasn't that lucky. Under my breath, just barely loud enough for him to hear, I finally said, “Carrick.”

I hadn't admitted that to anyone, and I could feel my cheeks burning as soon as his name left my mouth. Carrick and I had met a few years ago at Fools Banquet; he was one of Taylor's random invites after they had met at a party out in California. I think we were best friends by the end of that first day. The second night, we were paired up to write a song and somehow, this insanely sexual song – worse than anything I had ever written before – was the result. Even more embarrassing than the lyrics themselves was the effect Carrick had on me. When I fell into bed in the pool house that night, I jerked myself off harder than I had since I was a teenager, and the whole time all I could think of was Carrick. 

It only got worse when he went on tour with us. We smoked up together all the time, and that was the only thing that kept me from going insane. I still stubbornly refused to accept the truth, but I couldn't ignore the fact that it was definitely not normal to fantasize about my best friend every night in my bunk.

“Carrick? Really?”

I looked up at Taylor, not sure what he meant by that. Yes, Carrick. Was that even more unbelievably strange than everything else that had happened today?

“Nothing. I can see why,” he replied, his smile slowly falling. “He's... good looking.”

Taylor looked away from me again. I hated how it seemed he thought he could completely hide his thoughts and feelings just by averting his eyes. “Tay, look at me.”

He turned back with a sigh.

“What's wrong?”

“Do you think he's...” Taylor trailed off, biting his lip. He looked away yet again and mumbled, “hotter than me?”

 _That_ was what had Taylor so worried? Sometimes he was so obvious, and then sometimes he still managed to surprise me. His insecurity was the biggest surprise of all. “No, Tay. You're beautiful.”

Taylor shrugged, closing his eyes. His next words were almost inaudible. “He's also not related to you...”

I knew what he was suggesting, and the thought of it made my stomach turn. Did Taylor think I could really give him up, after everything we had shared, just because he was my brother? I couldn't even bare to think of it. Carrick might have been one of my best friends, but my feelings for Taylor went even deeper than that. Giving that up wasn't an option. Firmly, decisively, I said, “Tay. No.”

“Maybe,” he replied, blinking back a few tears. 

I grasped Taylor's shoulders, trying to force him to look at me. He still wouldn't, so I continued on anyway. “Yeah, okay, he's one of my best friends. But you're so much more than that. I love you.”

A tear fell down Taylor's cheek. “But you could actually be with him. For real.”

“Tay,” I said, my resolution falling to the floor. “This is real, isn't it?”

He sighed. “You know what I mean, Zac. You could tell people. You wouldn't have to be... ashamed.”

“Taylor,” I replied, watching his tears fall. I knew what he meant, and I knew logically he was right, but it didn't matter. None of that changed my feelings for him. “I'm not ashamed of you.”

“You should be,” he replied with a snort. The harshness of his words struck me and for a moment I feared he was trying to stop this before it had really begun. He must have sensed my fear, because he touched my cheek softly and said, “I just want you to be happy, Zac. I want you to be proud.”

“Taylor,” I replied, his name coming out almost as a sigh of relief. “I am so happy. You have no idea.”

His lip quivered. “So am I.”

“You have no idea how much I wish I could tell people and have them understand.”

“I know,” he replied, his eyes falling closed again as he tried to trap the tears, but I had already seen them.

“But just because I can't,” I continued, “it doesn't change how I feel.”

Taylor held me close, his tears falling and mixing with the ones I didn't even realize I was crying, too. I hoped I had convinced him that he was the one I wanted. He hadn't run yet, so I thought I had. I couldn't even believe he would suggest that I try to be with Carrick. There was no way that would ever happen.

“Tay,” I said, chuckling softly. “Carrick doesn't even like guys.”

Taylor's eyes went a bit wide. “He doesn't? I mean, I kinda just assumed.”

“Not that I'm aware of,” I replied, shrugging. Surely that would have come up in a conversation at some point. Carrick seemed so confident and sure of himself, and I didn't think that was just an act. So if he was gay or bisexual or whatever, then surely it wasn't some awful, hidden secret like it had been with me.

“Really?” Taylor asked again, blushing. “Jeez, my gaydar is so far off, apparently.”

“Well, it didn't pick up on me, did it?” I asked, poking Taylor in the side and smiling.

I knew I had hit a ticklish spot when he laughed and squirmed. He liked being tickled only slightly more than I did, and for me it was an unbearable for a torture. I couldn't help giggling, though. “Sorry.”

“It's okay,” he replied, kissing my nose. “I'll get you back!”

At that, he began tickling my sides, not stopping even when I screamed and gasped for air. In fact, he only tickled harder, wrapping his legs around mine so that I couldn't escape. Breathlessly, I cried out, “Tay! Stop it!”

Finally, he relented. His hands fell harmlessly to my sides, rubbing them gently. He kissed my neck gently. “I'm sorry, baby.”

“It's okay,” I replied, still gasping for breath. “I'll just have to get you back. You just wait.”

Taylor blushed and giggled.

I smirked, trying not to giggle as I added, “You'll never know when it's gonna... come.”

Taylor snorted loudly, his head falling back. “Wow, really?” 

“I'm sorry,” I replied, giggling. “Mind the gutter. Always.”

“So it would seem,” Taylor replied. His laughter finally fell away and he sighed happily, playing with my hair.

I glanced back up at him. “So... really, you had no idea I was gay? I mean, I did hide it...”

Taylor shook his head. “Nope. You really didn't ever act like it, at all.”

“Well, I sure as hell tried not to act like it,” I replied, frowning. I knew that sounded terrible. But we were raised to be so religious; even if I couldn't see what was really wrong with those feelings, it was still drilled into my brain that being gay was a sin. It wasn't who or what I wanted to be, or so I thought. I hadn't known then that it would have felt so much better not to deny the truth.

Taylor mirrored my frown. “You shouldn't ever have to hide who you are. I'm so sorry, Zac.”

“I know,” I replied. “Really, I do know that. It's just easier said than done sometimes.”

Taylor nodded. “I know.”

Of course he did. Even though he had always seemed so sure of himself, he was hiding almost the same secret, too. I had always made jokes about Taylor's sexuality, but I had never really meant it. I didn't actually think there was any truth behind all those jokes. “I never knew about you either. Not really.”

 

 

"Not even a clue?" I smirked at him, tilting my head. He had to be joking.

"Well... maybe." He grinned sheepishly, and my grin widened.

"Yeah," I answered slowly. "I'm not exactly the most... _manly_ guy out there." It was something I'd begrudgingly come to terms with over the years.

"You could say that," he giggled. I smirked, gripping his hair tightly.

"Man enough for you," I said quietly, my voice as husky and rough as I could manage. He moaned softly, his eyes rolling back as a shiver ran through him.

"Absolutely," he sighed; I slipped my hand beneath his neck, staring lustily at him, before pulling him up for a deep kiss. Our hips rolled together, and I let out a low moan, before pulling back to look down. Both our stomachs were coated in Zac's come, a sticky mess that made me blush.

"Um, we should probably..." I trailed off, biting my lip shyly; this was the least fun part of sex, but it came with the territory, no pun intended.

"What?" Zac asked, giggling.

"I feel kinda... ew," I laughed, more amused than disgusted.

"Yeah, um..." Zac laughed again, blushing. This was something he'd probably never had to deal with, and his naivety was strangely adorable. 

"Do you have, like, I don't know, a towel or something?" I started looking around the room, searching for something to clean up with. 

"There's some baby wipes and stuff, over there," Zac offered, pointing to a shelf in the corner. "I tend to get kinda... messy in here," he added, giggling. I looked across the room; it wasn't far, but my legs still felt like jelly. I looked down at my brother, pouting.

"Zaccy?" I asked sweetly, giving him my best puppy-dog eyes.

"Yes?"

"I don't want to move," I whined, trying not to laugh. Zac wrinkled his nose, giggling again.

"Yeah, me either. Please Tay?" he pleaded after a moment, wiggling his hips. I laughed, kissing his forehead. I really didn't want to move. But the way Zac was grinding against me had me moaning, my dick already half-hard again.

"Ugh, fine." I groaned as I rolled off of Zac as he laughed triumphantly. I stumbled over to retrieve the box, pulling a few out and handing it to Zac. He blushed shyly as he stood, turning away from me as he wiped himself off. It was cute how shy he was now, in spite of everything we'd just done. I laid down on the couch, holding my arms open for Zac; he crawled into them eagerly, curling into my side as I held him, stroking his hair. I kissed him deeply, trying to pour every once of love I felt for him into the kiss.

"Love you," I whispered, leaning my head back and holding Zac tightly.

"Love you too," he murmured, shivering. I looked down when the trembling continued.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," he answered, still shaking. "Just uh, still in a bit of shock, I guess."

"Zac, talk to me." I stared at him, my brow furrowed in concern. Had I hurt him somehow? Suddenly I started to doubt whether any of this had been a good idea. But he just smiled, laughing softly.

"Tay... Did you forget this was my first time?" 

"...Oh." I felt my cheeks burn as I bit my lip. Of course, how could I have been so stupid? 

"I think a little bit of freaking out is called for right now." Zac's words did nothing to calm my fears, and I gasped, my eyes widening.

"Oh god, baby, I'm sorry."

"No," he said softly, shaking his head. "No, don't be sorry. Freaking out in a good way."

"You sure?" I wasn't fully convinced that I hadn't done something wrong, but again Zac just laughed, nodding. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No... well, maybe a little." Zac winced, squirming a bit, and I bit my lip hard, hating myself for causing him pain.

"Zac, I'm sorry."

"Tay, it's okay."

"No," I insisted, shaking my head. "I should have been more gentle."

"What do you expect with that thing?" Zac's words made me blush, his playful tone easing my fears somewhat. "I'll be fine," he said softly, smiling. "Better than fine."

"If you're sure." I knew I wasn't sure, but I had to trust him.

"I don't... want you to be gentle," Zac said quietly, and my eyes went wide.

"Zac?" 

"I mean, you don't have to be." He looked down, biting his lip; he was obviously embarrassed by his admission, and somehow that turned me on just as much as what he'd admitted.

"That's not what you said. Zac," I said, lifting his chin. "No secrets, remember?" I looked into his eyes, trying to reassure him that whatever he said would be fine with me. He nodded, his cheeks turning a bit pink.

"I... I think I like it a little rough," he whispered. I felt my own cheeks burn, my eyes widening, and I swallowed hard.

"Y-yeah?" I stuttered, my eyes going wider.

"Yeah."

"Okay..." I nodded slowly, my thoughts plummeting into the gutter.

"Is... is that okay?" His voice shook a bit, his eyes nervous, and I let out a laugh.

"God yes. I mean, yeah, I think I can..." I didn't know what to say exactly, but hoped my fumbled words got the message across. It seemed to, as he smiled at me, nodding.

"Good," he said simply. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Sorry, that's just... wow."

"I'm, uh... just as surprised as you are." Zac chuckled nervously.

"That's..." I paused, taking another deep breath; my heart was racing, my mind filled with thoughts of Zac and I seeing just how rough he liked it. "Really... really hot."

"Yeah?" Zac's cheeks were bright red, but he grinned proudly, and I returned the smile.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not usually the dominant type. But for you..."

"I'm not usually the _anything_ type," Zac laughed nervously. I smirked at him, remembering how easily he'd slipped into the sub role.

"I don't know, you seemed pretty... submissive earlier." I leaned down to whisper in his ear, my lips barely brushing his skin. "When I had you pinned by the wrists."

"Fuck, Tay," Zac breathed, shivering, and I chuckled softly.

"But then again, online..." I paused, my tongue grazing his earlobe. "You did a pretty good job of making _me_ submit."

"You're the only person who's ever made me feel that way." Zac shivered again, blushing so hard I could practically feel the heat emanating from him. I nipped at the skin of his neck, just behind his ear, drawing a whimper from him.

"Tay... You're killing me, Tay." He rolled his hips against me, his erection firmly pressed against my thigh, and I had to bite back a moan.

"Yeah?" I breathed, trying to keep my tone even despite the growing need I felt.

"Oh god," Zac moaned as I gripped his hair, pulling his head to the side. I let my teeth just barely touch the taut skin of his neck, loving the way he whimpered, his eyes fluttering shut as he moaned my name. I scraped my teeth against his neck, feeling him tremble in my arms.

"At the risk of sounding like a total chick," Zac started, his voice shaking. "Can we just, um... cuddle for a bit?" I pulled back to look at him, his cheeks pink, his lips curled in a shy smile. I paused for a moment, taking in his words, before laughing hard. Of the two of us, he was the one no one would expect to want to cuddle, but of course it made perfect sense.

"Of course, baby. Anything you want." I rubbed his back soothingly, and felt him relax into my touch almost instantly.

"Okay, good," he sighed, letting out a long, relieved breath. I pulled him back down to my chest, kissing the top of his head as I wrapped my arms around him again.

"I love you, Zac," I whispered, letting my eyes fall closed. I felt so exhausted, after everything I'd been through. The past couple months had been such a roller coaster, with the final drop being the largest. But I'd, no _we'd_ come through it alright, with each other. I was seeing a whole new side of Zac, one I was falling in love with more and more every minute.

"I love you, too, Taylor. So much."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Whispered Words](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13050141) by [HarperJean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarperJean/pseuds/HarperJean)




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